How do I get my stuff back?

[penguinwithasuitcase]

I'm very low-contact with my mother –a couple of e-mails per year. We live in different countries. I keep things light and friendly with her, but don't share much. Grey rock-style.

She doesn't know where I live, and I want to keep it that way.

Thing is, she has the few things that remain from my childhood years.

Silly things, like school reports and photos of me as a kid, artwork, stories I wrote, and some sentimental items.

None of it's specifically important, but I'm an only child and I've blocked out a lot of my childhood memories.

So there's nobody who can corroborate or confirm what I do remember, and I'd really like to have whatever exists to help fill in at least a few gaps. It's all I have of my past.

I want to ask her for it – there's a good chance she's thrown it away or stored it badly so that it's rotten or falling apart –but on the off chance some remains, I'd like to have it.

But I don't want to anger her, and I don't want her to have my address.

Does anyone have any ideas how I could get these things back with minimum drama? Or do I just need to accept I'll have to wait until she passes on and see what's left?

Ask her and give her a PO Box to send it to?

Have you got a friend who you could have it sent to.

Tell her the friend works from home so will always be in, where as you won't?

Have you got children of your own? Could you say they wanted to see it?

Sorry, misread! Yes through a friend or a friend’s business address?

@dancemom

Ask her and give her a PO Box to send it to?

I thought of this first, too, but the attacks likely to arise from something that makes it clear I don't want her to have my address...

I've managed to move a few times and not pass her on my details so it's never been made explicit that I'm keeping it from her.

This feels like it would send a very obvious message, and I'm nervous about the fallout from that.

Not that there's anything she can do to me now –she can't get to me –but...

Could you send it to a work address or would that cause more problems?

Failing that, a friends address would work, use the excuse they are at home more.

Just give her a friends address and let her know at some point in future that you have moved so she doesn’t continue to send stuff there and don’t give her your real address.

Surely if she’s kept things from your childhood it’s because she wants them?
I have a ‘normal’ relationship with DC but I’d be really upset if they wanted to take away all their childhood photos and memorabilia.
I also enjoy looking at photos of former DSC who I never see and remembering the good times.

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe

Surely if she’s kept things from your childhood it’s because she wants them? I have a ‘normal’ relationship with DC but I’d be really upset if they wanted to take away all their childhood photos and memorabilia. I also enjoy looking at photos of former DSC who I never see and remembering the good times.

I suppose this depends on who you think they 'belong' to, right?

I don't think of my childhood belongings as 'hers' – the fact that I happened to be a child at the time I created or earned them doesn't change that for me.

Does the fact that she'd be upset mean that I don't have a right to them?

And does the fact that I'm missing great chunks of my sense of identity not count for something?

I'm not a mother –I don't know. But I can't say this quite sits right for me. If she were interested in / capable of having a healthy relationship with me as who I am today, I might be interested in whether or not she enjoyed looking at photos of me from the past.

But since that's not the case, I'm not sure I have much invested in the idea of her looking at photos from the past and pleasantly reminiscing over what was an incredibly difficult period of my life.