Am lying in bed terrified of going back to uni

[tofindthisoverpowering]

I dropped out of uni in Feb 2019 due to crippling anxiety and agoraphobia . Since been told I have complex PTSD with underlying OCD and depression . I’ve been told I can get long term support for the cptsd with eg mental health nursing support and stuff, OCD and depression is medicated with anti depressants and beta blocker .

I went back to uni - online only - in January . No problems at all online . In fact I got the best grades I’ve ever had . Did huge online presentations and virtual placement and no problems at all .

Now that things are easing uni have said they expect full attendance for all classes of less than 50 in 5 weeks time; masks etc but apart from that back to normal .

Uni is 250 miles from home and my mum . My dad lives 20 miles from uni in one direction, two aunts live closer .

I’m terrified of going back . I still have panic attacks . I haven’t really been out alone in ages . I have a constant fear that I’m going to drop dead, and am terrified of heights, which MH team said is intrusive thoughts and teaching me about radical acceptance and self soothing .

I keep thinking I want to go back, desperately, and then I panic again - I’m leaving behind a complex situation at home (mum has +++ needs and is heavily dependent on me/Parentification- hence PTSD on my part) I know I need my freedom and I so desperately want my degree but I’m scared .

I feel so stupid, I’m THIRTY next week and whilst I know some of this is because of my upbringing and stuff I feel like a big baby crying over moving home and feeling too scared to go to lectures alone .

Uni have said they’ll support me, even said they’d fund taxis for me to and from uni or get someone to meet me and walk with me to and from classes . I desperately want this to work but scared I’m setting myself up to fail - therapist, GP, friends keep saying I can do it, but what if I can’t?

My GP said if I go back and I can’t do it there’s no harm in coming back home and doing something different but I’m not sure anyone would forgive me for doing that . I’d never forgive myself either, I’m good at my subject, and it would be my dream job, but I’m so bloody scared .

Your anxiety is a liar. It has been lying to you from the beginning, and will continue to as long as you listen to it. It's hard, but you need to stop listening. All of these people in your life, who know and love you, believe you can do this, yet you still believe your anxiety and not them. Please try to stop this. Believe in yourself. Everyone else does.

Does the Open University offer the modules of your course? Perhaps you could do this next year with them, and see how it goes then either go back to your current uni or finish your course with the OU.

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

Does the Open University offer the modules of your course? Perhaps you could do this next year with them, and see how it goes then either go back to your current uni or finish your course with the OU.

I don't agree with this. You shouldn't retreat so easily.

Absolutely you need to know you are in control and can walk away anytime you need to but imo you should give it a shot. Stop thinking about it for now, this isn't a now problem it's a future problem. Just plan to go back to class but don't think about it until it's time.

When you go back to uni just do the absolute minimum. You probably don't need to attend every lecture. Hopefully they record the lectures and you can watch them and study from your room and just attend a few lectures and hopefully work up to attending more as it gets more comfortable for you to do so.

Oh dear I do hope this doesn’t turn into a for and against OU debate.

My first thought reading your OP is the open university. You can transfer across any credits you’ve already accrued towards a qualifying degree and just pick up from there.

Dd switched to OU half way through her degree and found it much better, as they are geared up for remote learning the course materials flowed really well and she is in a much better head space than when trying to do regular uni (even though academically she was still succeeding very well)

I felt like this once, I remember the crippling fear I felt at going back. I went. It was not easy, I had several crises but my friends stood by me & so did the uni. They were fantastic. It sounds as if your uni are supportive which means a lot. Please go, you have every reason to. You will be SO glad you did.

Step by step. You can do this. I'm sending you loads of strength.

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

Does the Open University offer the modules of your course? Perhaps you could do this next year with them, and see how it goes then either go back to your current uni or finish your course with the OU.

They don’t unfortunately, I’m training in speech and language therapy so all very hands on, placements etc . It was OK online when everyone else was doing the same but I’m 99% sure they won’t allow that again, I can’t see how it would be feasible because need to do group discussions, practice clinical examination skills etc .

I think if I have to do something I’ll do it but I remember previously I could barely leave my house, getting to Tesco was a nightmare, I’m still barely doing anything well certainly not alone and I’m just frightened .

My counsellor has said we start building up to alone now, wants me to go shopping on Saturday but walk into one or two shops alone, I have to try .

OP - I'll PM you - just as someone in pretty much exactly the same situation and doing the same course.