Finding it tough to handle conflict/people disagreeing with me at work publicly

[TrunkyElep]

My job is in scientific research. One thing I struggle with is how I'll draft a presentation and send it to others for review and people will generally say it's all fine but when it comes to the actual day when I'm presenting in front of an audience, these people who said it was all perfect etc. the day before will disagree with certain things (even the main message sometimes) in front of everyone (especially for things that have no right answer)

I find this kind of thing really upsetting and stressful and feel people do this in meetings with an audience watching to impress/score points with their boss, etc. (sometimes they'll even be looking
at them whilst disagreeing with my point for example). I know a lot of people will be cool and calm in such situations but I immediately
start sweating and get upset and even a little trembly/teary. It often ends up ruining my day and making me feel low self worth and fragile.

Have you been in situations like this before? If so, how do you handle this? What kind of things do you tell yourself to make you feel better?

The people who do this are often nice, friendly people in general (but not all of them). I'm totally fine with constructive critcism in private but the nitpicking and publicly disagreeing (when it was all fine the day before to them) very uncomfortable and destroys my self esteem.

Bump

When you send it round for review could you ask on the email that they send you any amendments they feel it needs by x time go give you chance to make any edits? We do a Black review then a gold review at my work for all presentations or client facing info.

Could you say I wish you had said that when you read it yesterday.

Worded better of course but some way of putting it that draws attention to the fact they said it was fine initially

This annoys me too. One tactic I sometimes try is to meet with a few people beforehand to talk them through what I’m planning to present. I generally pick those who I know will be the main detractors so I can get any negative feedback beforehand, and either make changes or come up with a clearer rationale for my thinking. I also try to pick a few people who I know will be allies and line them up to actively support me in the meeting. It’s all politics really isn’t it, helps to learn how to play the game though.

Im not very good at giving feedback so quick. I need time to reflect, sometimes things pop into my head later. Your presentation might make me think of something that I didnt think of while reading.

I also try to anticipate any things that might draw criticism so I can say ‘I have considered that, but…’

Ultimately though, it’s okay for people to disagree with you. An important part of collaboration is challenging each other’s thinking, and can lead to better outcomes if you can all find constructive ways of dealing with it.

Well there are some separate issues to address here. One is tackling why it is happening in the first place and put a stop to it. The other is helping you be more assertive in the moment so you don't get teary etc.

Have you talked these people afterwards about why they raised issues publicly after having previously not had any concerns? I mean you know why but they need to be made to explain themselves.

I'd put them on the spot about this and do it in person. I'd try my "disappointed in you and feeling let down" face and tone, saying how it makes you feel and then follow it up in an email afterwards repeating that 'in future I'd really appreciate if you can give me constructive feedback in advance of any presentation. As I said, it can feel quite undermining to have issues or disagreements being raised at the presentation when and there was an opportunity to tell me this in advance and you led me to believe you had no major concerns". Be prepared for any possible excuses (I changed my mind, I thought about it in more detail, had not time to let your know etc) and be ready to reiterate that even in those circumstances they should take you aside asap to talk about it. Not spring it on you at the big meeting. Be ready to be blunt, "well actually John, that's not good enough and I feel if you intend to change your opinion and disagree with me in a big meeting like that you should do me the courtesy of letting me know" AND big guns "I feel you do this mainly because the bigwigs are in the room and you want to make an impression on them. That's not fair on me".

Have you discussed it with your line manager or anyone else more senior? Or are these some of the people doing it? You need to ask them for advice if possible, to find ways to stop it happening and how to cope better in the meantime.

Have you ever had some assertiveness training and if not can you ask for some?

Lastly, if I was you then I'd be opening the next presentation by saying something like " as you all know, I have circulated this for comment i advance. Thank you to X, Y, Z for getting back to me with comments about (give some examples) But I was very pleased everyone agrees broadly with the idea/main message/approach to this". You've now made it MUCH harder for them to challenge you.

Then if X, Y or Z do raise a disagreement they did not feed back earlier I'd be responding, in mock surprise "Oh thank you Fred, but it would have been good to have had that point in your feedback so I could consider it before today, but I will certainly take it into consideration now you have raised it". OR say to the bigwigs, "it's clear I need to talk to my colleagues further about the points they have raised today as I was unfortunately not aware of these concerns".

In essence dump them in it. With a smile on your face and a positive, professional tone in your voice. Fake it until you make it.

They’re your stakeholders and you need to manage them

Are you circulating your info prior to the meeting, and taking time to meet them beforehand to give you time to respond to any feedback? I never go into an important meeting having not had a quick one on one to confirm no surprises on either side. If their opinion is important enough to sway the outcome you need to be doing that and you deserve that time with them.

Can you not say"thanks for your contribution John but strange you didn't bring it up when I emailed you the presentation two days ago"?

So, I'd struggle with this but am doing a
Lot of work on myself. And i know i project a lot about myself onto these kind of work situations. And why i create a lot of rules to protect myself. Try something gentle and private like journalling to probe what us really happening and why the situation is so triggering for you.
Firstly, why does it matter whether they agree with you or not? Why do you need their approval? Why does the feedback have to be given in advance? Why is their approval so important and why does not having it ahead of time privately make you feel so triggered? Professionally we don't all agree. What is the objective of the meeting? Why does them wanting to impress their boss upset you so much or feel so wrong?
Is the objective being met as a result of a healthy discussion that you are facilitating with your presentation to stimulate discussion?

Also be firm when you open. Lie and pretend some people did respond in advance. 'Thanks to all of you who read the materials in advance and fed your ideas in. You'll notice those have been taken onboard' then crack on. Fake it till you make it. firm
And decisive. 'If you have any further feedback from todays session feel free to drop me a line after the session as we have a packed agenda today'. Or if someone starts cut them off 'you make some valid points there jeff-ill follow up with you straight after/tomorrow thankyou'. Have strategies to keep the presentation moving
Positive and upbeat. Can you have someone chair and do this for you?

By the way, I agree tjat as @Mansplainee said, normal debate and challenge about ideas is healthy and the OP should be open to that. It's just how this is done is important and the current approach sounds ore like undermining and not very collegiate.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale I agree that can happen but it would rarely make people take a totally opposite position? Also a healthy debate leading to changing one's mind is usually more recognisable and involves lots of questions being asked rather than opinions stated. The OP might be able to distinguish that from sucking up to the boss.

I used to be a member of a large senior management team. Drove me bonkers that a couple of colleagues did this sudden change of tack after loads of opportunities to give their opinion, usually when they picked up the MD was on the fence or possibly swinging in the other direction. It stopped when I tried the tactics above, along with some of the described by Mainsplainee.

What a great post by Gerwurtz.

Send the draft round earlier.

Pull them up on it, if warranted.

It sounds like either or both of; they've been mulling it over since seeing it and responded 'fine' in haste and, they're doing it for status and attention.

I get this all the time. Send out stuff, ask for questions, get nothing and then get bamboozled.

If it's a query, then sometimes I tell them I'll get back to them, especially as they have had ample opportunity to submit questions beforehand. I'm not going to answer a question, just because someone demands it at the time.

If it's a disagreement, politely say thank you for their view and open it out to the rest of the room. What does everyone else think? If they make a good point, acknowledge it. Part of being a good leader or colleague is listening skills. This is part of it.

People will challenge you to make themselves look good basically. It's a point scoring exercise. If they are competitive, don't give them the material too far in advance to give them time to pick holes in. it. Also go through it with someone trusted if you have the

But in science, aren't these meetings supposed to spark critical discussion? Doesn't that happen to everyone else when they present? By bringing up those issues in a group, the discussion can benefit from more perspectives, and a more general theme that everyone learns from. This critical discussion method is the best way to refine your thinking. Do you not find it helpful? Don't take it personally.

I really wouldn’t do any arsey responses like those suggested here. You would make yourself look brittle at best and pretty rude/unprofessional/childish at worst. Challenging ideas and being open to challenge is part of all of your jobs, by the sounds of it, and that process doesn’t begin and end with an email. You would do better to work on your own self confidence so that you can robustly defend your ideas in meetings, and incorporate challenging feedback where appropriate. It isn’t ‘conflict’ which sounds quite personal, it’s professional challenge and they’re right to be showing their bosses that they can think ideas through and challenge them. You have the opportunity to do the same. And you don’t have to agree with what they say, you can say ‘actually, I did it like this because x’ or ‘the unintended consequence of what you’re suggesting might be y’.

It's not the feedback itself though that's the issue - it's the delivery. In public, in opposition to previous feedback (the 1 to 1s where people say yes looks good), and aggressively/not constructive. One or the other might be manageable but all 3 factors together is creating an unnecessarily hostile work environment.

This type of nasty public shaming is par for the course in some universities and is one of the reasons I left academia.

In my current workplace there are a couple of colleagues who will be nice as pie in a 1 to 1 and then throw me under the bus in front of anyone senior. Feedback goes from "this looks great thank you for doing this" to "well I raised my concerns and you did nothing" which is actual gaslighting.

You can learn from experience which people behave in this way and then at least you know to expect it from them. It's easier to cope with when it's not unexpected.

Isn't that the vibe in the research area? For you to be challenged on your topic and you to defend it? They really just want to see you defend it I'd imagine. I doubt there's anything wrong with your presentation. Try to preempt the challenge points

Some people just love a debate. It isn't about you or your competency, they just like throwing abound ideas. Don't take it personally. The purpose of research is to further understanding, after all.

Thanks so much for your helpful responses. I read every one of them.

Maybe when they say they disagree with xyz, ask them pointedly, why they didn't say this when I sent you the work to review on .... (date).

Repeat this half a dozen rimes to the twats who are undermining you, and they will all get the message.

Even have a sheaf of emails from the various people who reviewed the work, which you shuffle through and read their positive comments from?