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Original poster

Genuinely feeling like god or a higher being is out to hurt me after this?

23 replies

Anthetas · 20/07/2021 10:20

I had an early miscarriage last year. My relationship ended a week later. It was awful. I attempted suicide twice.

By last autumn I was back to a better place but feeling utterly distraught that I was alone age 36. Since autumn:

Four people from work in my direct team of only 10 are pregnant
My sister and sister in law announced pregnancies in December
My three best friends of all time, the ones I speak to almost daily, each announced pregnancies within a month each of the other
My neighbour announced a pregnancy in March
And yesterday my cousin announced a pregnancy

I am a professional woman and I have always considered myself to generally be reasonable and rational.

I honestly feel like life is trying to beat me to death. I know rationally that it’s the age people have kids but all of these people, in the space of 8 months have divulged this, one by one. I’ve had to say congratulations while feeling so sad and sick about my own circumstances. I know that makes me sound awful but fucking hell all of these people non stop? All the people closest to me. It feels so cruel that I honestly find myself believing that I am being beaten and bruised emotionally. I was struggling to cope before all this but now not one person close to me in my life ISNT having a child. I feel like there is no escape from it all.

OP posts:

MotionActivatedDog · 20/07/2021 10:24

Ahhh OP! I am so sorry. That is a really high number of pregnancies in your social group! That must be so hard for you. I have no advice as I’ve not been in your shoes but please do look after yourself, don’t be afraid to take yourself out of the loop to get some space from it all. Prioritise yourself.

Original poster

Anthetas · 20/07/2021 10:27

@MotionActivatedDog I am really struggling to stay positive. If I step back I lose the people closest to me or I am lonely. I can’t win.

It’s like everyone near me is a constant reminder of what I don’t have. And I have tried to be happy for them, sent gifts and money and support. But it’s fucking hard and I feel like life is so cruel.

OP posts:

DoorAjar · 20/07/2021 10:29

I think you should take the pressure off and stop forcing yourself to show happiness for them. It’s an appalling strain for you. Tell them you wish them well and take a step back for now? And get some counselling so you can express your grief and anger to someone whose sole focus is you?

TheSockMonster · 20/07/2021 10:30

That’s a lot of people and I’m not surprised you feel so low.

I have no advice, but I hope things get easier for you

MotionActivatedDog · 20/07/2021 10:30

I’m sure you are struggling! It does seem so cruel. Do you have any friends or family who aren’t connected to any of the women who are pregnant?

Original poster

Anthetas · 20/07/2021 10:30

@DoorAjar if I step back I have no friends or family though. Even my colleagues I am close to.

I can’t escape it unless I want to be almost completely isolated. I feel like someone wants me to just crawl away and die.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anthetas · 20/07/2021 10:31

@MotionActivatedDog

I’m sure you are struggling! It does seem so cruel. Do you have any friends or family who aren’t connected to any of the women who are pregnant?

@MotionActivatedDog I have one friend who is in a similar situation. I am seeing her next week. It’s just hard as I am constantly reminded of what I do have and am struggling with. Even the announcements and the discussions of symptoms etc make me feel sick with grief

OP posts:

Noterook · 20/07/2021 10:33

@DoorAjar

Yes I agree with this. You need to look after yourself and if part of that is taking a step back, then so be it. Talking to someone probably would help, it's a heartbreaking and really challenging situation to be in, but it's even harder whilst you are in the mindset that this is to do with you, as in the universe lashing out at you (I know you can't help how you feel so don't take that as a criticism, just that rationally that's not the case, and if you can have some support to see that then it'll do the world of good).

Original poster

Anthetas · 20/07/2021 10:35

@Noterook do you really think that’s not the case? I feel like I am going crazy :( I genuinely believe someone or something is trying to hurt me

OP posts:

DoorAjar · 20/07/2021 10:38

[quote Anthetas]@DoorAjar if I step back I have no friends or family though. Even my colleagues I am close to.

I can’t escape it unless I want to be almost completely isolated. I feel like someone wants me to just crawl away and die.[/quote]
I get that, OP, but be honest with yourself, how much pleasure and enjoyment are those relationships bringing you right now? Wouldn’t it be arguably easier to take a break from everyone for a bit and concentrate on your own needs solely?

5475878237NC · 20/07/2021 10:41

What's your plan to address the real cause of the upset? It's not your friends announcements is it, it's that you don't have any current prospect of having a baby. So...would you look into going it alone? Are you dating? Have you got MH support?

I had years and years of fertility problems so I get it but there's still time.

SpringSparrow · 20/07/2021 10:47

I’m sorry that you are feeling this way, it sucks. But early thirties to forties does seem to be the time that people these days start to have babies so it’s not surprising that everyone you know is doing so. I had a baby at 31, miscarriage at 32 and another baby at 33.
Also I expect other people are struggling to conceive, or with miscarriage or ivf, but they just aren’t talking about it.

Vitallyli · 20/07/2021 11:20

I'm so sorry you go through this. I find many people did get pregnant in lockdown due to various reasons. I'd get counseling to help you find tools to deal with these emotions. I had it when I had fertility issues.

OoglyMoogly · 20/07/2021 11:31

You are not going crazy. Its difficult enough for you without the extra stress because of your friends’ news.

You do need to make time and take time for yourself to allow you to grieve and start to heal.

I truly know what you're going through. It's shitty and it hurts. So you've got to find a way to get through this. I can recommend grief counselling, the right counsellor will help you to start to heal emotionally. It's not a quick fix but it will help you.

I hope you can find the help that you need.

worktrip · 20/07/2021 11:38

Can you financially go it alone? I think sometimes it's easier to be a single parent.

Original poster

Anthetas · 20/07/2021 11:52

I just feel stuck as I don’t want to not have any friends, I would miss them. But I find the conversations painful. I can’t bear it sometimes.

I spent months avoiding families in shops etc. When I started to get over that then all this happened. Literally every few weeks I was hit again by it.

OP posts:

drainrat · 20/07/2021 12:11

Lots of love to you, OP.

I have been where you are, and it’s a desolate place.

Please hold on, because eventually everything will change. It always does. You will definitely be happy again.

EssentialHummus · 20/07/2021 12:23

I honestly felt like my miscarriage increased the fertility of everyone in the surrounding area tenfold.

It's fine to step back from such close contact, doesn't have to be forever. Also fine to tell close friends what you've been through (if you haven't) and that too much baby chat is overwhelming.

I'd also point out though, gently, that none of these women are having your baby - there isn't a finite supply, and when you're ready and feeling well in yourself you can look to meet someone or otherwise consider having a baby .

BestZebbie · 20/07/2021 12:27

In 6 months time it sounds as if everyone significant to you is going to simultaneously become super busy for at least a year.
This is a very very good time to take up a new hobby where you can meet some people that aren't pregnant, so you still have someone to chat to during that intensive period...

EducatingArti · 20/07/2021 12:32

www.amazon.co.uk/Out-Sorts-Making-Peace-Evolving/dp/0232532397/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=out+of+sorts+sarah+bessey&sprefix=out+of+so&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1626780617&sr=8-1
I'm wondering if you might find this book helpful. Sarah Bessey hade, I think, 4 miscarriages and this is her story of how she worked through what it all meant to her in terms of God and faith.

greyinganddecaying · 20/07/2021 12:40

OP - I get it. I had a period of just over a year where I had three miscarriages and a still birth. Shortly after the stillbirth 7 of my closest friends became pregnant. It was very hard for me and I did struggle to spend time with them.

Take plenty of time to heal, to do things you enjoy and which are removed from baby/pregnancy related things.

And also consider future options for having a family as a single parent - I have friends who have done this (both through pregnancy and adoption) and they have a strong support network of those in similar situations.

Original poster

Anthetas · 20/07/2021 12:45

Thank you all so much.

Sorry I haven’t replied to each message. I have read them all.

It is such a lonely place and often I feel physically sick for the life I don’t have. It feels so cruel. I also forgot that also two ex boyfriends announced parenthood in the mix as well. It’s been awful.

OP posts:

WhiskeyNeverStartsToTasteNice · 20/07/2021 14:55

I've been in this situation to a much lesser extent. Within a few months of me having a miscarriage many years ago, my best friend and a couple of colleagues became pregnant and I remember feeling almost physically in pain every time I saw a colleague's scan photo as their screensaver. Do you any of your friends or relatives understand how you feel and are they able to be sympathetic and understanding? I agree with pp that grief counselling could be a great help. But also remembering that however awful you are feeling now, it will pass. Things may not always seem so bleak. But for now you need to be kind to yourself so if that means avoiding some/all of these people who are pregnant them you should do so for now. I'm sure they would understand. Very sorry for your loss 💐

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