Family giving money / lending money? Which does yours do?

[Cheeseismymiddlename]

Ideally , neither, I know.

But, I was brought up in a family environment that often would give money or buy something for other family members when money was tight. Which it often was.
So for example, my older brother bought my school uniform and shoes one year when my Dad was out of work.
I gave my parents a small lump sum of money when I came into a windfall, a thank you for all the times they lent me money when my earnings were low.
Parents bought me a big gift when I moved into my first home.
Other brother has sent me significant sums of money for the children or paid for big days out ( he is very very well off ) .
Money for trains and flights has changed hands.
Holiday accommodation shared. Deposits for houses saved up ready for children,

Money for emergencies changed hands years ago so I’m going back decades , if someone had the means they helped. It kind of just went around in circles. Some have received more than they have given but nobody cares. We had very little as children but all us siblings have faired well enough financially. No falling out.
DH family did things differently. Money has changed hands between parents and children for emergencies, big purchases, holidays etc but every penny is paid back. No one hassles any one but it all gets paid back. So boiler broke years ago before I met my DH. Parents paid as he was newly divorced and in a new (old) house with no furniture and a broken boiler. Years later, after we met I found myself paying this debt to his parents as jointly we could afford it but I thought it was weird.

Anyhow, another situation has arisen. I have a house in Cornwall ( inherited) , it’s was a bit of a state but we have made cosmetic improvements and put in new furniture and white goods so it could be used by ( his side of the ) family this year for obvious reasons his, (mine have passed away or live abroad) .
Running costs are low and almost the same regardless if someone is in the house or not. I’m happy for family to use it for free as really makes no difference to me. They have to accept the limitations of the plumbing and the kitchen and the wild garden in return for the use of the property. No cleaners either so everyone has to agree to clean before they leave . I’m not even going to suggest they are getting a cheap holiday as the travel to and from and the cost of things in Cornwall will soon stack up.
Now I’ve found out my DH is charging his family to stay there. It’s my house, not his. I’m embarrassed but I’m also furious and we have had a few rows about it. Thing is a few of my friends will also use it and I’m not charging them.
Who, if anyone , is right. He is clearly profiteering from his family. He’s says that’s how they always do things, but this is my house ( an old family members home who left it to me) to gift out as I see fit, not to charge for.
Can either one of be right in this situation. Didn’t post this in AIBU as it’s a bun fight over there. Looking for opinions none the less.

I'd be livid at your husband for charging rent. That is mean.

We give money in our family, to the young adults who need help eg house deposit, new car or whatever. Most families do what they can depending on income.

Op my family is sort of like yours with parents but not siblings at all. Df and I had a merry go round of money like that.

But in this case I don't necessarily think it's such a bad thing only because, one hopes your family and friends will be respectful of the house and maybe dh feels his side isnt, is he even charging them that much?

Like he said its how they have done things?

It’s one thing loaning a family member money and expecting it to be repaid. Trying to profit from family when it’s not even his house and their stay isn’t actually costing you anything is tight and embarrassing. If it were me I’d tell your ILs that it’s your house and you don’t charge friends/family to stay so not to worry about paying DH.

Dh family have been generous but are also hugely tight.. It's not the same situation but I'd be inclined to let my side go free but charge his 🤣🤣.

Maybe he feels irked that they nail down every penny and you want them to have this for free? Caveat unless hi family are not wealthy.

It's a tricky one...in the sense that it's your house, so it's up to you if you charge rent, not him. However, if they are the sort of family who never gives anything away for nothing, and he knows that if the shoe was on the other foot, they'd be charging him, I can see why he did it. Even so, he should have A. Explained and discussed with you, and B. Given you the money!

My family tend to lend for unexpected things like a broken appliance or car, but gift towards set things like wedding, house deposit.

DH family is gift, but MIL makes sure all the children get the same. So if she has to give £500 to one to fix the car she'll give the other children £500 too. Which I see the logic in but I always feel bad for taking money we don't need.

In this case I think you're both being unreasonable, I don't think you should let people stay there for free as they'll take the p**s. But I also don't think you should be profiteering from it.

I'd get a seasonal weekly/biweekly cleaner and gardener. Then charge family and friends the £100 odd a week it costs. That way neither of you have to worry about the cleaning, and they still get a super cheap holiday.

If them visiting isn’t costing then I wouldn’t be charging them anything; if it meant you were missing out on other rental income from it then I’d consider charging a reduced amount but in your circumstances I wouldn’t.
I do find it odd how you ended up jointly paying his parents back as it wasn’t your coat to pay considering you weren’t with him at the time.
In terms of how your family work with money that sounds really nice, mine is a bit more structured in the way of it’s either given with no expectation to be paid back or it’s lent and we set out how long it’ll take and how much each month

It is not his right to make a decision like that as it’s your inheritance.

DH family kept a house that was passed down for 50 years, a nominal charge was made that covered the council tax and heating oil. In the end the expense because people hardly paid a bean over all those years meant that it needed major works. It was owned by a couple of branches of the family which did further complicate matters.

You really should get friends to contribute something even if it’s just covering the utilities while they are there. Your in different territory here op. It’s not like buying someone an individual item. Plus the whole clean the house before you leave. Let’s just say some members of DH family had incredibly poor standards and as it was rural mice everywhere if not cleaned really well. Caused huge issues, I’m glad it was sold a couple of years ago before DH got to be one of the ones that inherited it. Had been in his family for 100 years

It is a cheap holiday, have you seen the price of even modest accommodation in places like Cornwall.

Finances is one of those areas where people’s opinions vary hugely. I personally think that often poorer families are more used to helping each other out.

I wouldn’t personally charge my family in that situation. It’d be different if the house was a holiday let and your income, but by the sounds of it it’s just there empty if family aren’t using it.

He’s cheeky to charge his family without talking to you though, given it’s your house. Is he passing the money to you? Why didn’t he just ask you?

I come from a fairly poor family and we have always helped each other out. I gave my parents £600 when they moved earlier this year and lent them £1,500 for carpets when they couldn’t get finance for them. They’ve helped with our wedding and bought us a table when we moved into our first house.

I’m not even going to suggest they are getting a cheap holiday as the travel to and from and the cost of things in Cornwall will soon stack up.

This is the sentence that jumped out at me. They ARE getting a cheap holiday, as anyone else going to Cornwall will have to pay travel and Cornwall costs as well rental of a house/caravan etc.

Are your DH relatives complaining about paying, or is it just that you feel uneasy them being charged?

I can see both viewpoints, especially it being your house and supposedly your decision, but his relatives.

Maybe accept the money but pay it back to them is some way (into children’s accounts if it’s siblings with DC, or another way).

I think the key questions are, how did you come to find out he was charging and what has he done/planned to do with the money?

In terms of your original question (because I agree with PP I would be questioning where that money was as well) no it would be a problem for me.

We have a wierd set up. My Dp are incredibly generous in actually giving the money and far wealthier than my Dp parents (partner the second time ...parents the first DP). However. Traditionally growing up money was used in my house as a massive control mechanism. It was a part of some really deep rooted psychological control. So because of that I am intense about repaying money to everyone to rid myself of obligation. My DP still have been known to simply transfer me money without being told or me asking (for a variety of reasons I am unable to change my bank account) so often its extremely carefully managed. DP doesn't understand it as they have more than enough to spare but I am well versed in the strings that are always attached.

Dp DM has very little money but genuinely likes to feel as if she is helping. There is a massive backstory there with difficult parenting decisions she made in the past that she feels she needs to make amends for (we don't she does). I don't like taking money off her but DP knows the backstory and the dynamic.

Because of all of this we have a clear rule. Our unit plays by the rules of whoever it is that has the money or the asset. So if I owned a property it is run entirely on my financial rules. Irrelevant of which side of the family is involved because my upbringing has had a big effect on my view of money. We always share money but whoever has it gets to decide about repayments etc.

I would be clear with him its your asset so it runs by your rules. Then I would be swiftly bloody asking why he hadn't told me and where was the money?

In our nuclear family you don't hide money ...ever. You may say its being reserved for something and that is respected as long as its not at the point of struggling to provide for the DC (DP knows I have a war fund after my divorce for example ) but you don't hide it or lie about it. Ever.

This is about communication and expectation with your dh.
See how you feel after people have stayed.
We have a holiday cottage that we bought ourselves and have been shocked at how certain family and friends treated the place. We started to feel resentment.
Now we only let a few people use it. The ones that respect it.
We don't charge but some left us some gift like wine chocs, one gets a cleaner in at the end of their stay etc.
If you are relying on them to clean to your standards think again.
The other answer is that I only give money across or down in the family, never upwards as parents are loaded.

Your DH is horrible not telling you before hand that he wants to charge his family rent for the house you inherited. I would personally stop his family from staying there if you don't agree with his stance.

Generally extended family and friends give you holiday accommodation free if it isn't their income source.

In regards to loans and gifted it depends on what it is for and your age. So for adults money would be gifted to them to buy a primary residence and stuff for it but not repairs of that residence. For kids under 18 all money is a gift but they need to be spent on the thing they got the money for otherwise word gets round. For young adults in education or training between 18 - 25 it depends on what it is for.

It must be costing you something for them to stay there? Electricity/gas, water bills at the very least I would think.

Thanks for your great replies. Some really useful information and perspectives . For anyone wondering what DH intends to do with the money, he intends to put it into the bank account that the bills for the Cornwall house comes out of. He’s told me from the beginning he wants to charge people so it’s an argument that’s been bubbling for a while, we just haven’t been able to come to a middle ground . He hasn’t asked any where the the going rate so to speak but still way more than a weeks worth of bills per family visit.

I don’t want the hassle of a holiday let which is why I wanted any arrangements to be casual . People use it, look after it and share a bit of my good fortune ( hate to say it that way as my dear Aunt has passed away but you know what I mean) its also in a very quiet neighbourhood so I had no plans to charge people who could then feel entitled to behave a certain way or complain if something wasn’t quite right.
In terms of what it will cost us . Not much. The council tax is paid in full ( no discount in Cornwall ) regardless. Can’t imagine much cooking going on , the kitchen is well equipped but basic . Heating won’t be on much. Biggest expense will be water as the shower is like Niagra Falls ! But to date we are massively in credit with the water company anyway. See, no need to charge. I feel he’s spoiled something that was a gift from me to them .

Op, it's your property but it's his family.
I do get where your coming from but.. It's his family and its how he wants to treat his family.

I'd feel like being generous in a similar situation with "some" family of mine.. But not dh immediate family, they have done a things over and over again that are so tight.. Maybe he feels like a this? It would be too painful for him to give this away?

Surely the middle ground is your family and friends visit as you choose and his visit as he chooses?

Dh should have discussed it with you first.

However, I’m surprised you’re not charging a nominal amount to cover utilities, council tax, insurance etc

My family is like your husbands but no way would I charge peoole to stay as he is, That’s beyond appalling. I’d be furious. And to do it without telling you. That’s so bad.

I was brought up in a family environment that often would give money or buy something for other family members when money was tight

That’s not odd.

Money has changed hands between parents and children for emergencies, big purchases, holidays etc but every penny is paid back. No one hassles any one but it all gets paid back

That’s not odd. Just different.

Years later, after we met I found myself paying this debt to his parents as jointly we could afford it

That’s odd. He should be paying that, not you.

I’m not even going to suggest they are getting a cheap holiday as the travel to and from and the cost of things in Cornwall will soon stack up

That’s massively odd! Of course they’re getting a cheap holiday! Anywhere else, they’d have to pay high costs and the accommodation.

Now I’ve found out my DH is charging his family to stay there

That’s odd. How did you find out? But then, you say this…

He’s told me from the beginning he wants to charge people

So, it’s hardly come as a shock to you and should have been sorted BEFORE you agreed to let anyone stay there.

If it was my house and my house alone and I wanted to do different things with it to him, that would have been made crystal clear before anyone stayed in it. It wouldn’t be a ‘bubbling’ argument.

I would be furious - it's not his decision and it's your gift to give. My family is like yours, we give what we can afford and what goes around comes around. I've been given enough to get me out of trouble and I have given when siblings are in trouble. I have an inherited house abroad and don't charge friends to stay there, it's my gift. I would be furious if someone took that decision away from me without getting my agreement first.

@Howshouldibehave

Thanks for the analysis.
I paid for the boiler as I was now living in the house and our finances were joint. DH had put me on the mortgage and the house was jointly owned.

Maybe I phrased it badly but I don’t think 400 pounds plus on trains and eating out in Cornwall is cheap . I do consider they are having a holiday free of charge is not the same thing.

I told my husband not to charge. Arguments had. No resolution but no mention of money either. Then he informs me yesterday he asked for money by text. Completely against my specific wishes. Hope that helps.

And I do t believe I had to agree anything with him before I allowed my friends or his family stay in my house. Our finances are joined but this house and the money it came with isn’t . Not yet anyway.