All I do is nag and moan at my kids

[FeelingAwfulll]

I’m feeling truly awful, all I do is nag and moan at my kids.

I kid you not, since 10am this morning I don’t think there has been even a 30min period where I’ve not snapped at them.

It can be over anything, if I ask DC8 to brush teeth it gets done but on her time. If I ask her to sit down and eat rather than walk around the house dropping crumbs everywhere, again it gets done after I’ve nagged and nagged. Little things are building up and I’m about to explode. DC2 is just as testing but is a toddler, looks like I have doormat stamped across my forehead and can’t get these children to listen to me, or am I expecting too much and are my standards too high? This is the flip flop battle I’m having in my head.

One min I’m feeling like they take the utter p*ss out of me and next min I’m thinking maybe I’m just not a chilled out mum, maybe I’m just horrid and constantly moan at them for things other parents don’t flinch at.

These are my top issues for battling with DC8:
Brushing teeth
Getting dressed
Too much messing around at meal times
A lot of answering back/back chat

DC8 constantly tells me I’m snappy and dramatic and no fun anymore. Says I’m always stressed too.

Why am I becoming this hideous monster? I love my kids but I hate being a parent.

Please be honest with me, should I chill out more and let the house get messy and let the kids have fun at meal times and take ages to eat, should I spend more time with them rather than against them?

Someone must have some advice for me…

I hear you. It’s so tough isn’t it. I’m not sure I have much advice, other than to say that I’ve been there and I look back now and wish that I’d cut them more slack. They will eventually pick up on what needs doing but in the meantime it’s not worth damaging your relationship with them.

Toothbrushing was one thing I never let slide though - has to be done morning and night without fail. You just have to practically do it for them, don’t ask them to do it, literally hand them the toothbrush with toothpaste on.

Perhaps try a day where you promise to yourself to let things slide a bit? I know it’s hard but I find it helps to ask myself ‘so what?’ and try to laugh at myself if I find myself getting riled. Good luck!

I was like this too. They're all grown up now and it's easy to say in hindsight but I wish I'd just stopped and enjoyed them more.

Thanks you two - so I think I should try a new approach from tomorrow and just let things slide a bit as nobody died from a few crumbs and a bunch of hyper kids?

Yep I would, maybe even start straightaway if they’re still up . Sometimes you just need to reset things a bit and create a more positive vibe generally if you find things are getting fraught a lot of the time.

Hi , I could have written this, about 6 months ago i decide to lower my standards and our lives are much nicer. Not things like teeth brushing or fighting, but other stuff I just go with the flow.

Interestingly my husband hasn't followed suit and all the telling off he does feels excessive and i just cringe that my poor kids were getting it from both of us. Its actually really opened my eyes to how unnecessary about 80 percent of what he tells them off for is, and has little to no impact.

I’m not a parent but have a step kid who lives with us. Something I’ve found really useful is having a rule that if I have three nagging/telling off interactions I have to have five positive things to say. It sounds really trite but I think it saves my sanity. DSS is a teen and most likely has ADHD (waiting on assessment) so there is LOTS to pick up on so focussing on positives really helps. It’s kind of trained me to only notice the ‘bad’ behaviour that really annoys me. And finding an excuse for positive reinforcement is always good!

I feel like this. Its the constant repeating myself then snapping when I've had enough of being ignored! Other then let them run riot and have no rules or responsibilities, I don't know what the answer is

I hate this feeling, it's certainly a familiar acquaintance for me! I do find that it tends to almost self-perpetuate once it gets started, and then it's harder to take a step back.

For me, what helps is identifying why I'm so upset. Often, it's because I'm secretly feeling quite hurt that they're not listening to me and I'm being put in the role of nagger and that makes me frustrated and resentful. I want to be the fun, happy mum! Sometimes, if I spot this, I'll explain that to them about a particular thing "when you didn't go to brush your teeth after I asked you several times, it actually hurt my feelings" and they tend to respond with surprise and compassion. Sometimes, I have to take a step back and observe them - they're in their own little world and maybe that's a healthy, fine thing for them. Sometimes, I have to remember my mum telling me that I'm not raising little robots, and part of it is accepting who they are. And sometimes, I have to acknowledge that I was once a self-absorbed, away-with-the-fairies little idiot and I didn't mean any harm and turned out relatively ok in the end!

Good luck breaking the cycle, taking a step back and healing deep breath, maybe making a cup of tea - and hopefully enjoying life with your children a bit more. They'll only get this one summer of being this age and our job is not only to keep them as intact as possible but to give them a happy childhood!

Top tip from watching a childminder work her magic on my then two-year-old son who was stubborn and brain-meltingly frustrating about getting dressed - she had it done in a flash by making a little game with him. I was gobsmacked at how simple it could be.

Kids LOVE games and at your children's ages, they're still likely to believe you if you tell them it's fun. Time their teeth brushing, or sing a stupid song while they do it. I'm not very imaginative but there are good ideas online for making 'boring' (to us) activities fun for them.

I feel like this too and its definitely worse on hot days. I read a lot about lowering your standards with regards to the house being a mess but mine are already pretty low! The worst for me is the constant arguing/fighting/winding each other up. I hate being grumpy mum too, so I don't have much advice, but you're not alone!

Also...! Sorry, music is my saviour. I find it harder to be cross if I have good music on. A few minutes taken from the schedule to have a little dance or sing with them will be a time investment when they do their jobs happily afterwards knowing that their mum isn't cross!

“I’m not a parent but have a step kid who lives with us. Something I’ve found really useful is having a rule that if I have three nagging/telling off interactions“

I’ve heard this before, so I gave it a go, and found it embarrassingly hard! Like, I really only noticed the bad stuff and just nag constantly
They don’t listen to a word I say. Look up Jackie Hall - she talks about triggers and it made a lot of sense to me. I feel like a useless idiot when they ignore me and so I over-react. I wish I could tell you I’ve turned it all around, I haven’t, but I am more aware of what sets me off.

Thank you all for each and every response. I read word for word and intend to absorb it and start fresh tomorrow.

I partly blame the heat and partly blame myself. I seem to get carried away so if the day starts off bad it usually sets the tone for the day ahead and it remains bad. I need to remind myself that a bad moment does not necessarily need to mean a bad day and that I can turn it around.

Making silly dances/songs/games would work as I’ve done it before and my DC8 giggles a lot and I can see she’s happy to see me happy and relaxed.

I just want to be a happy mum with happy kids, not a monster with kids that’s don’t even listen anyway. I’ll use this thread to vent my emotions tomorrow because I really need some support to carry this on x

How did it go today? Hope you’ve been able to stay ‘happy mum’ :-).

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1848123094/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_SNBW5HYKSFVWQ613JGBN?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Read this. I got it when my step kids were younger and now use some of the strategies with my toddler. There are different versions for little ones and teens.

I leant it to a friend who was having daily tantrums with his six year old over teeth brushing and he had it solved in a couple of days. She didn’t like that it meant it was nearly bedtime so kicked off massively about it but he didn’t realise that’s what was causing it so they agreed she’d do it half an hour before bed then they’d read stories, she could play with something and it’s never been an issue since.

I’m not saying it’s always that simple or that any book will stop your kids being annoying or you being grumpy but you could probably open it on any page and find something useful to try.

I had a thing with my SS who would want something in every shop we went into and was driving me insane. It was about to escalate when he wanted a stupidly expensive soft toy in a shop on holiday once and instead of just saying no or telling him to stop being a brat, which is that I wanted to do as I was tired and we were on bloody holiday, I used a thing from the book where I said I’d write a note that he wanted it on a bit of paper in my bag and if we won the lottery we’d go back and get it. We don’t actually play the lottery but it diffused the potential strop, he felt heard, I felt inspired and we then had half an hour on what we’d do with a million quid.

Much nicer than me grumping and him causing a scene.

It’s really good. Worth a go.

Yes that book is magic, I really recommend it too.

@ColonelPine thank you for checking in on me. I done really well up until 11pm when my DC2 was refusing to sleep and was having a major meltdown. I struggled to remain calm or to make a song/dance and play happy families. I actually wanted to scream or cry!

I’ll continue to try and improve tomorrow as I said before, it’s a bad moment not a bad day. Other parts of the day I managed to control myself and not get easily triggered or stressed over minor things and did let them slide.

I just don’t enjoy being a parent during the challenging times. I live my kids but I find being a parent is overwhelming and consumes me and sometimes even suffocates me.