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Original poster

Tinder and ‘getting back out there’

53 replies

CrunchyKnot · 17/07/2021 21:01

In chat so this doesn’t stick around 🙈

Separated 18 months ago. Joined Tinder, more out of curiosity. Has nearly put me off men for life but feel this is a necessary step to move on and considering restrictions etc limiting chance meetings.

What’s the deal with tinder? Have exchanged numbers with a couple of the ‘less bad’ ones but all very keen on sexting. I’m not looking for anything serious and this could be good to help with ‘moving on’, but! It just makes me cringe 🤣

Just looking for some expert advice on it all I guess!

OP posts:
Bbub · 18/07/2021 18:22

No they'd probably love it!! Just test the water and escalate the flirtyness and you've got nothing to lose

Flyinggeese1 · 18/07/2021 18:24

Agree with NiceGerbil.

OP don’t lower your standards just because of how some behave on Tinder. Why would you ‘slip into sexting* someone you’ve never met?!

Try another app less focused on hook ups?

NiceGerbil · 18/07/2021 18:27

I'm fairly sure they'd love it!!!!!

Oh look there's a bear in the woods 🤣🤣🤣

I'm really interested in what's appealing about exchanging explicit messages with random men! Obviously some like it but why?

Interested in this thread?

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General relationships
proopher · 18/07/2021 18:30

I met my DH on Tinder - there was no sexting just nice conversation for a month before we met! I think that is rare, though, considering my other Tinder experiences before I met him.

Dee03 · 18/07/2021 18:31

I joined Facebook dating and got some right weirdos on there....lots of wanting pics, voice clips and setting Confused

I have friends on tinder so joined last wk, matched with a guy..started messaging, normal chat, he rings me, FaceTimes me...we're going on a date this week once I'm out of isolation Wink I'm hopeful about this one but if this doesn't workout I'm probably done with dating apps

Dee03 · 18/07/2021 18:53

'Setting'....sexting

PermanentTemporary · 18/07/2021 20:46

@NiceGerbil it's fun, or it can be. I'm extremely verbal and auditory but I didn't really understand what a difference it could make to my arousal to have men having to express themselves verbally to me, until I started. I like pictures too but both is best. I think at heart I'm genuinely promiscuous in a neutral way, I've always seen sex as an intensely enjoyable pastime rather than purely an expression of emotion.

TeddingtonTrashbag · 18/07/2021 20:56

A friend (yes, really! 😄) is now happily partnered with someone she met on Bumble but had lots of dates prior that went nowhere.

NiceGerbil · 18/07/2021 21:04

Permanent it's more that it's a random.

Unless you've met them you have no idea who they are.

I mean when I was young I had random men say some pretty explicit things to me and I found it, well. Not sexy and fun!

Like I said each to their own! I don't get it though but everyone's different etc.

Original poster
CrunchyKnot · 18/07/2021 21:40

I guess with the right person I can see the appeal… however it also feels a bit reckless. Sharing pics / videos with a complete stranger

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 18/07/2021 23:24

It certainly was reckless. I guess I've never taken drugs, never bungee jumped, never left a job without another one to go to, but yes for a while I enjoyed teasing strange men and then meeting them for sex. I liked the attention and the adrenaline.

Tbh the problem with it is the pull to go back to it is still there, but I know I'm in a different place now and I did it for long enough that I encountered a few problems that took the gilt off it. It does get repetitive.

NiceGerbil · 18/07/2021 23:57

I've done all manner of reckless things!

I just can't find any appeal in doing this with a stranger who you know zero about.

Just how I feel.

PermanentTemporary · 19/07/2021 07:30

Absolutely fair. I wrote a lot about it at the time and I'm expecting to read it back in a year or two and wonder what I was thinking.

icedancerlenny · 19/07/2021 09:58

I had the most success with bumble. I’ve now met someone great (from there) but previously had a 2 year relationship with someone I also met there. The first said he chose it as he felt men held too much power in relationships so it was a way of evening that put and the other said he didn’t want to be approaching women if they weren’t interested and making them uncomfortable. Neither did any sexting and were genuine men.

CluelessWriter · 19/07/2021 10:31

@PermanentTemporary

I get where you're coming from, although I've only met one of my online flings in RL (well 2 but the second was just a coffee date, no naughtiness!)

The thing is people, and tbf particularly men think sexting has to involve photos and video, but if you and the person you're doing it with have great imaginations and communication skills it's not necessary (although fine if you're into that and do it on your own terms).

The first and probably best sexting fling I had was all text and the occasional call. It went on for 2 or 3 months and we've been in a touch a couple of times since...I still have absolutely no idea what he looks like!

Original poster
CrunchyKnot · 20/07/2021 21:06

Ok - sexting with one guy going well.

He’s keen to meet- as am I. But I’m so self conscious. How do I get over this?

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 20/07/2021 22:03

I'll bet he is!

Surprised you're keen to sext but self conscious about meeting!

Personally I'd be careful. He'll assume sex is on the cards, how does that sit with you OP?

PermanentTemporary · 20/07/2021 23:29

If you don't want to meet, don't. That's it. Men will pressure you, guilt you, whine at you, basically if they think you're up for a shag they will try practically anything. Just because you've sexted you are not obliged to do anything else.

If you do want to meet, yes you're going to be nervous because you're taking a risk. For me, it was worth it. Nothing does for me what sex does. I like novelty, I like anonymity, or at least I did then. I looked for any hint of anger in exchanges and backed out if I found it. I kept in mind always that they were damn lucky to have sex with me. I always met in a public place (but usually locked myself in a room with them shortly afterwards). I never drank alcohol so I'd have my wits about me. I took a rape alarm in my bag and hung it on the bed so at least theoretically I could reach it. I had an arrangement with a friend to text when I was on my way home.

Tbh none of this would have made the slightest difference if I'd met someone who intended harm. It's fairly rare so I don't think I was lucky exactly, but nonetheless I took really extreme risks.

MrsToothyBitch · 21/07/2021 00:03

I prefer tinder to bumble. I actually had some really nice dates from tinder, especially my last round of dates. Just pre covid people I know were definitely more positive about tinder.

What helped was going at it like a job hunt, so treating profiles- both my own and those of the men I viewed- as CVs. Mine said firmly I wanted a relationship. I ignored people only interested in getting into my pants unless they were too beautiful not to enjoy as a one off. Had a couple of crap experiences but all in all I really got on with tinder.

Met my ex on bumble which perhaps taints it but overall I mostly found the chat stilted and I felt utterly ignored and hated starting conversations. My most disastrous date ever was a bumble one, too!

WunWun · 21/07/2021 00:24

I used to prefer Tinder to Bumble because I got loads more matches and conversation from Tinder. But now I'm going for quality over quantity. It's taken me a while to realise it, but I'm actually only looking for a proper relationship. I like that on Bumble you can weed out the guys only looking for 'something casual' or who 'don't know yet' (yeah, right) or who don't have what they're looking for on their profile at all. Obviously some guys will still lie or claim some other meaning of 'relationship' but I do think you can sort the wheat from the chaff to some extent. On Tinder the majority are just looking for sex. Obviously there are some exceptions.

Original poster
CrunchyKnot · 21/07/2021 22:35

I kinda do want to meet but it’s been so long. I just don’t know how to get over this. We have lots of chemistry over text… exchanged videos and pics. A video call, but I’ve since said I’m not ok with video calls and he has completely respected that. He’s not pushy at all.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 22/07/2021 00:47

Why don't you meet him for a coffee first and see if you click?

If you do then arrange another date and see what happens...if the chemistry is there the rest will probably follow more easily than you imagine!

NiceGerbil · 22/07/2021 00:49

If you're you've been sexting

(Including pics/ vid I have no idea obv)

I don't understand why meeting him would be so nerve wracking.

My concern is you don't actually know him at all and he WILL be expecting sex.

WunWun · 22/07/2021 12:29

I've sexted people and told them in plain terms that just because it's happened it doesn't mean sex is happening when we meet, and they respected that when we met.

The major reason why I don't sext people now before meeting is that both times I didn't fancy them at all in real life. Even despite video calls, photos, videos, talking on the phone for hours... You just can't tell if you're going to fancy them when you actually meet. It's really really cringey when it's not the same in real life.

Flyinggeese1 · 22/07/2021 14:16

But how do you know you fancy someone before you’ve met them? Surely just sexting without knowing that, you may as well just stop the next person in the street and sext them?