If you live with a depressed person -

[DontBuyANewMumCashmere]

how do you cope with the pessimism, negativity, moods, sulks?

When I met DH he was already depressed but he managed it well. He had good and bad phases but generally was well, he had never been on meds and had one historical therapy session which hadn't been much use and he just coped. He also has social anxiety which we've both learned to live with. I'm a bit of an introvert so not having lots of guests round, or not going out a lot has been fine with me.

Now it's 12 years later and we're married with two DC. He has had a huge blip in the last year, his poor MH has been severely affected by covid (as have numerous others, I know). He's doing therapy and taking meds, so I know he wants to get better and is trying.

He's just such a grump. He's not abusive to me or kids, sometimes a sulk and sometimes a sharp word etc - all totally normal! He's loving and supportive and sometimes surprises me with a lovely laugh and joke.

But mostly he's just a misery guts. Fun vacuum.
If the kids are playing in the garden he's constantly telling them quieten down. If we're all in the living room he doesn't join in with anything we do.
Today he was pretty negative about two or three things in a row and I just thought 'Oh god, is this it now? Is this how he's going to be?'

He is also scared of normal social situations, is too anxious to invite people to our house to socialise and pre covid I would have done this while he was at work but now he's always here and I barely see anyone at our house because he really frets about inviting people over.

I am planning a child's birthday party and I've asked him to take the other one out so he isn't all anxious and fretful.

I also have a significant birthday coming up and he's told me flat out he can't cope with organising anything for me. So I am trying to sort something out that will be fun for me without overwhelming him.

His depression is really beginning to make me sad and feel quite miserable myself.

I hope time and him eventually going back to work might help but that's months away and I'm starting to struggle with his constant low moods and negativity.

I love him and don't want or intend to leave him.
Just looking for practical ways to cope. What do people do? Ignore it? Try to counteract it with joy and levity?! I can't constantly be trying to be a Tigger to his Eeyore.

NB I know this thread is all about me and I accept he is feeling absolutely awful, I have supported him well for the last 18m. I'm not trying to slag him off or have a pity party for my small troubles, just wondering how I can try to cope with it.

I don't. I read a really good forum called Depression Fallout and it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I don't really know what to suggest but I was the kid in this situation and it was miserable. Like a black cloud hanging over the whole house that lifted as soon as he went out. So you all have my sympathy, it isn't nice to live with

How is the therapy going? Meds making any difference? Maybe he needs to speak to somebody about getting more help?

Please do everything you can to make him go to the GP and seek help. Depression is treatable. If he refuses to go, then you have a whole other problem. It's really hard to live with a depressed (or plain misery guts) partner. They bring you down with them and can destroy your own happiness in the process.

Marriage is a partnership. It is NOT unconditional love, and love can be eroded out of existence by constant negativity.

Does he realise how his behaviour affects you and the kids? Does he care about you all enough to do something about it?

Realistically, I think the only things is to try and prioritise your own health, both physical and mental, as it sounds as though your perilously close to setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Eventually any resentment is going to keep bubbling away and then blow up at a minor inopportune moment.

Do you have your own interests and hobbies you can pursue? Being the tigger to his eyore sounds exhausting, so it's either keeping on topping up your own reserves and discharging stress when you can, but it's worrying that there is no plan b - what if you hit a rough patch like bereavement or redundancy? Have you got people you can sound to or would your dh be supportive.

The best way to support him, i think, is to think really carefully about what you need first.

This sounds so like my experience with DH. The hopeful news for you is that we have now reached a much better place, following his counselling controlled by long term meds. I can’t deny it has been a very tough road, and he still has down periods. Where we are at now is that either of us recognise he is struggling, we make sure that he gets time to sort himself out. I take on full responsibility for the kids and encourage him to take time for himself, and to get out of the house. I have had criticism from people for doing this, but I want to be there for him, and if I don’t want our marriage to break down, this is what I feel we have to do.
Don’t feel guilty for feeling your post is all about you. I find depression to be all-consuming for the person suffering, and everything in our life became about DH, but you have to look out for yourself too, and sometimes put yourself first. It’s hard when it feels that nothing in your life is about you anymore.

I think you need some backup OP because it is a lot to cope with and you absolutely have my sympathy here. I wish there was the support for mental health sufferers that they need especially more therapy. It's good that your DH is taking steps to help himself (medication) but if there is any chance of more therapy so he can talk it out with someone else I'd urge him to grab it.

Is there any of his family nearby who could give you a break by visiting him or that he could visit? Does he have any friends that would take him out for a bit?

I’m living with this too OP. I don’t have any advice but I can understand why you are finding it so hard.

Sorry OP, the situation must be difficult for all of you. I get depression and have done since my teens (I’m in my 50’s). All I can say is that having people around me when I’m clinically depressed is unbearable. I’m acutely aware of my mood and how i must be affecting other people (perhaps blowing it out of proportion in my head, but probably not). It just makes the whole thing worse. It part of the reason I live alone.

I can’t really give you any good advice on how to live together through this time apart from give your DH lots of space and try to remember that he is ill, so the anger and moods aren’t about you or the DC’s. He may well be battling suicidal thoughts, which (if he is) will be taking up a lot of his mental and emotional energy. When I’m not well I’m literally willing myself to just get through the the next minute or hour.

You mention that he’s had depression for years. I fought it massively for the first 20 years. Each new bout was like a smack in the face, it engulfs you. I felt that I was incredibly weak for not being able to stop getting depression. It was only when I stopped fighting it, coupled with a few months of psychodynamic therapy, that I started to accept it as a disability that I would have to learn to live with and manage. Your DH might be feeling the way I used to?

I can’t emphasise enough how helpful medication has been to me though. It just gives me that headspace to see through the fog and breathe and start to slowly move forward and reconnect with the world. It’s not a quick fix though. If by some miracle you can persuade your DH to talk to his GP and try medication he would need to see it through (6 months minimum for medication to be really effective)

I was only thinking the other day that I wouldn’t be able to live with someone (else) with depression. I’d find it incredibly hard work. I hope you both find a way through this

I have a family member with depression. You have my sympathy. It is awful trying to support when there is no let up. It has gone on for a long time

Argh had massive post individually replying to the first 6 replies and my battery died so it's gone. Gah.

Basically, thanks for all the replies.

He does know it affects us, this is what pushed him to get help in the first place, but short of saying 'Cheer up DH, your constant low mood is really bumming me out' I don't know what more I can ask of him. He's doing his best. I can't expect him to change, I'm wondering how I can best accept/adapt to cope with it.

His family has room for him to stay but they aren't nearby plus they drive him absolutely mad (har har) so he won't improve there. He doesn't want us to leave him alone, I have offered this but it seems he wants us around.

He was very resistant to the meds for a long time but started them after he felt suicidal. I suffered 4 MCs between our two DC caused by a hormonal thing - I took meds for this (in fact still do) and I kept reminding him that he didn't call me a failure or criticise my need for medication then so why should we now? He obviously accepted that as he is on meds now, for about 2 months now. He's open to continuing them.

Thanks for all your support and suggestions. I guess I just keep going and wait for things to get better.

@teaandjam What do you do about the negativity? Respond positively? Ignore? Sidestep?

His life could be transformed by psychoanalytic psychotherapy but he would have to want to make the investment and put in the work.

Does he want to get better or is he happy with things are they are?

Does he accept that he has some agency or does he think fatalistically about it?

@bumpsadaisie
Yes he wants to get better but tbph I do think he's a little lazy and I think he would struggle if it was a hard process. For example for his current therapy, the first homework, set two weeks ago, was to fill out a form every time he had problems with concentration. He has resisted doing this until about two hours before his second appt this morning, which is absolutely typical for him. He struggles to do anything unless he has a deadline.

He is not happy how things are. He wants to engage with his current therapy which is CBT based I believe. The doctor/therapist? Is going to focus on his problems with concentration and perfectionism which sounds good.

"Does he accept that he has some agency or does he think fatalistically about it?"
I'm not even sure what this means entirely. And I have a psychology degree!

He knows that most of his problems come down to perfectionism. He wants to do the best job first time around. If he hasn't got the tools or knowledge to do a job he'll buy everything, buy reference books, read articles, watch YouTube videos...
But doesn't actually often start and see out the project, or does it over several weeks.
Then he feels he's lazy and can't do anything...
I don't know if he thinks he'll always be like this. His last counsellor tried to make him get used to a mantra - 'not perfect, but good enough'. He has used this a few times but I think he still strives to be the best and do a perfect job every time.
I'm much more of a wing it/'fuck it, that'll do' type person...

DH had two nasty bouts of depression.
First one he had medication and CBT.

Second one he had a year of psychotherapy. He didn't take any medication.

He remembers the 2nd bout as being much better, I remember it as much worse .
I'm not sure I could cope with another one without medication.

DH described the CBT as a sticking plaster and the psychotherapy as an actual cure.
That said he does lots of physical maintenance and we both keep an eye out in case the depression returns.

Our dc has been diagnosed with ADHD and it seems likely that DH actually has this as well.
It is worth considering if there are any possible co morbidities.

Honestly OP, leave him.

My sibling died last year and a lot has come out about their spouse with depression and their poor behaviour as a result. It was hidden from us, but looking back now there were so many signs we missed. I just wish that they had told us, we could have helped them leave and they would have known some kind of happiness before they died.

You and your DC deserve better than this.

You need to live your life and accept that your partner may join you or not. You need to have your own interests/friends and support network. My hubby will never get better and in his case there is no treatment other than a lifetime of anti depressants. None of how he feels is your fault or yours to fix. He will behave in ways that are good for a relationship and you need to work together on how to navigate them.

@Skullycup
I often wonder on threads like these why your type of answer pops up. Leave the person you love and tear your family apart because they’re ill? A man leaving his chronically ill wife would be slated on here.

In answer OP-
As PP said, give him distance when he needs it while engaging with him and making sure he’s on track with meds etc
And don’t hesitate to t him when he’s ruining the atmosphere in the houSse, when I’m in that fog I don’t always know, being told helps

Two months on medication is a relatively short period of time, so I wouldn't give up hope that they'll have a positive effect long term.

I suffer from anxiety, the other side of depression really, and of course it affects my DH at times. As PP's have said, I encourage him to live his best life and do what he wants to do, even if I'm having a rough time. I don't hold him back from socializing if I'm feeling anxious (although I'm not as socially anxious as your DH) but I do encourage him to go out with his friends rather than try to entertain at home if I'm going through a bad patch. I've also learnt to seek professional help before I get overwhelmed, e.g., if I can feel my anxiety increasing, I'll call my doctor or counselor before it gets too bad.

This sounds harsh, but perhaps you need to raise your expectations of your DH? Mine is sympathetic, but he does expect me to get help when I need it and he won't tolerate being constantly brought down by my fears. Anxiety/depression can be selfish illnesses and I now realize that I have to think of his feelings as well as my own. Yes, I have an illness, but I'm an adult and I need to take responsibility for its effect on my family. It's bloody hard at times, but we battle on! Good luck, OP.

This website is useful:
www.storiedmind.com/
There is a forum for carers and loved ones of those with depression here (Anne Sheffield who started the board also wrote some books about living with a partner and adult children with depression)
www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/

I think you need to decide where your red lines are and communicate these to your DH. For example, if current meds aren't working - your DH has to commit to going back to the GP.
That rather than shout or get irritated at the DC if your DH feels under stress that he removes himself from the situation - even if that means that he stays a lot in your bedroom or has to go out for a drive/walk.

You have recognised that his depression could also engulf you, so you need to put your your own MH first, your DC rely on you so you cannot "go under."

You sound incredibly loving, caring and empathetic to your DH's condition but you need to show the same love and care to yourself. A book I read (Should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft) advised treating yourself as you would a best friend who was coming to stay for respite - what bedding would you have, toiletries, food, books, boxsets to watch, exercise etc. I know a luxury bubble bath won't solve things but being a bit "selfish" and carving out some time for yourself does help. For me, my H tended to sleep late so I got up before everyone else and had time for just me - sometimes I'd do some Tai chi, sometimes watch an episode or two of a programme lying on the sofa with a cosy throw, make a really nice hot chocolate, just enjoy the silence. I also started to go to bed early, not feel I had to sit on the sofa and watch programmes with him (I wasn't that into in order to help him) or listen to rants. Do some things you want to do.

Focus on your yourself and DC whilst your DC works on himself. Don't worry about having people round to the house (you seem to have already worked out a solution for that), go out and have some fun with the DC as much as you can manage. Take help if anyone offers (do the DC like their Grandparents, could they help with childcare a bit?)

If my H got too negative/ranty instead of interacting I'd take myself off to the bedroom, or out to the garden with the DC, even just stick my headphones on and start watching something, go to the toilet - just don't engage or give the situation oxygen.

Just sending love as I know exactly how you feel 💕