Visiting someone before major op - feeling sad

[pippitypopop]

Tomorrow I'm visiting my relative who is due to have major surgery. I don't know how I will feel whilst I'm there. Since the news I have been crying a lot as I know the op carries a lot of risks.

Can anyone offer any suggestions on how I can keep it together so I don't make them feel more worried or upset.

Sorry for the vagueness.

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I hope you have someone a little more removed from the situation who you can speak freely to and share your feelings and fears. You are absolutely right in your determination to try to keep it together in front of your relative. I’ve been there and it’s really really hard. You have to tell yourself clearly over and over again that you are there to offer support and strength. Promise yourself you can cry as soon as you have driven round the corner. Be strong, try to focus all your attention and energy on your relative and any personal feelings that may arise need to be pushed onto the “deal with later” pile. Having lived through a fucking awful couple of years where I have lost two dearly loved parents I have learned that there is a reservoir of strength in all of us that is there when we need it. Try to focus on the practicalities- what can you do to help? Give your relative a chance to voice their feelings and fears. Be very clear with yourself that this is about them, not you. That is all the advice I can give I’m afraid. I wish you and your relative all the very best- be strong xxx

If you won't be able to be calm for them then don't go. It's scary enough going into major surgery without other people freaking out when you need them to support you with your fear.

Lean your distress outwards so you can be strong for them and lean their distress on you if they need it.

If you don't have anyone you can lean on who's not directly involved you can offload here or you could phone Samaritans. They won't mind you crying and talking about your fears.

You don't have to be suicidal to call them - it's for anyone in distress - and it's confidential so you can be more open than you can here.

Thank you so much @IDidNotSignUpForThis for your kind words. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your loved ones.

I’m sorry you are going through this op. It is so hard, but from somewhere you will find strength you never knew you had, no matter how fleeting

I just have such a horrible feeling that it could be the last time I see them. I'm so scared that they won't make it. I can't not see them, but I can't stop crying either.
I know I need to pull it together I just don't know how.

Completely understandable op. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
If you cry, you cry. It is because they mean so much to you. Go easy on your self.

Thank you @IHateCoronavirus.

Im visiting them this morning. My dd has a naughts and crosses game from Easter. We used to play that a lot when I was younger just on pen and paper, so I'm taking that up so we can play it again.

I'm trying so hard to tell myself to be calm and enjoy the time with them today. They need me to be calm and to bring some escapism ( if possible) from this situation.

@pippitypopop

Thank you *@IHateCoronavirus*.

Im visiting them this morning. My dd has a naughts and crosses game from Easter. We used to play that a lot when I was younger just on pen and paper, so I'm taking that up so we can play it again.

I'm trying so hard to tell myself to be calm and enjoy the time with them today. They need me to be calm and to bring some escapism ( if possible) from this situation.

How did it go op?

Thank you for asking @IHateCoronavirus.
I was calm until I entered the hospital building, then I had a panic attack. Once I'd calmed myself down, I went to see my relative. They seemed like their normal self and for a moment it was just like I was visiting them at home.
We didn't talk about the operation.
We managed to have a laugh and joke. It was nice.
I reminded myself it wasn't about me and that helped.

I left and sobbed in the car. Still crying on and off all day. I don't know how I didn't cry when I saw them.

Praying I will see them again.

Ah op it sounds like you held it together beautifully for your loved one despite your worries. Well done you. It may not feel like it, but being able to have a good cry is a perfectly healthy way to be dealing with the upset and uncertainty.
Do you have anyone in real life to offload on?
When is the op? I will keep thinking of you x

I have been thinking of you and your relative, OP. How are things going? I am not sure if the operation has taken place yet- I hope all has gone well xx

Thank you all for your kind words.

The operation hasn't taken place yet. I spoke to them on the phone yesterday and they sounded sad and told me they are getting increasingly anxious waiting for the operation.

I am not sleeping well due to the heat and stress of this which has made me feel worse.

I haven't spoken to anyone in rl about it as we all feel rubbish at the moment and I wouldn't want to add to their worries.

I’m sorry to hear you are still waiting, OP- it must be a worrying time for you and your relative. No wonder you are having trouble sleeping. I’m sorry you haven’t felt able to confide in anyone in real life - it’s a heavy burden to carry on your own. Be kind to yourself and honour your feelings- it’s natural to be stressed/ worried/ scared. Remember to try and look after yourself as best you can- drink water, try to eat well even if you Don’t necessarily fancy it. If you can’t sleep, try lying down for a rest with a guided meditation or sleep story- they do some great sleep stories on YouTube. That can help quieten the noise in your head and help you to escape for a bit. Anything that will keep you gently occupied/ busy is also your friend at this time. Distracting yourself from the situation, even if it’s just for a very short time, can provide a bit of respite. However hard it is right now I promise you will get through this. Much love xx

Is it a Whipples surgery by chance?
I remember feeling terribly anxious when my brother had his. There was that insurmountable fear that comes with knowing he mightn’t leave the table (he did!). But it’s an 8 hour, high risk surgery and it’s just awful waiting through it… it was unbearable at the time. I have no advice, just hugs and great hope for a really good outcome.