Is there something off about DS1's relationship with this man?

[Cooldryplace]

We recently lost DH.

This has coincided with DS1 (20yo) having his first serious girlfriend. And they do seem to have got very serious very quickly. They've been seeing each other about 2 months. She's 18.

I've only met her briefly once. She seems very pleasant and everything I've heard from DS makes her seem like a very decent sort. No red flags there at all.

Meanwhile DS is spending almost all his time at her parents house (with her obvs) and he seems almost as smitten with her dad as he is with her. It's all I hear, Steve says this, Steve thinks I should do that, Steve will help me with...

I suppose I'm a bit put out that they're spending all there time there rather than here, but I understand it wasn't a great place to be while DH was dying or afterwards. I understand his desire to escape.

There is a large part of me that's pleased her Dad seems to have taken him under his wing, whatever helps atm, but I also feel that he has a little too much influence.

Would you be concerned?

I know I can't do much about it anyway. I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that this is a good man doing a decent thing for DS and my concerns are unfounded

Have you met him? It doesn't sound especially concerning...its his girlfriend's dad so I wouldn't presume anything other than he wants to have a positive relationship with his daughters boyfriend.

I think you would feel better if you knew the dad better.
Sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss op

Have you met him yet? I think that's the only way you'll really be able to get a feel for him. It's easy to get a bit "infatuated" with someone else's family, particularly if your ds is grieving and vulnerable at the moment.

I'd definitely want to be instigating a get together with the new girlfriend and family, could you suggest something informal?

It's impossible to know for sure, but on the balance of probability I'd say he's just a giid bloke who has both his daughters & your sons best interest at heart.

My dad was Steve too and he really took my serious boyfriends/partners 'into the fold' & only wanted the best for both of us.

I'm so sorry you've lost your DH & DS his Dad, it's a hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Is there a way to encourage DS & his GF to hang out at yours a bit more. Would you let her sleep over ? Is there anything you & DS both enjoy doing? (Cards & pizza??).

Or just talk to him? Say you miss him and would like to get to get to know his gf (promise not to interrogate though!!) ask him to be honest with you about why they don't hang out at yours (but if you ask you need to be able to handle the answer or the fact there's no particular reason they just don't).

Try to take care of yourself, spend time with close friends/family. It will get less constantly awful in time xx

I'm really sorry for your loss

I imagine it's more that this man knows your son has just lost his father and is trying to make life a weeny bit better for him. All the men I know would take someone under their wing if they'd just lost a parent, it's a hard thing to go through at any age, but particularly when you're young.
I hope you have some good support too [thank]

I think the main reason they're not here more is that she lives c.5 miles away and doesn't drive, so DS always goes there.

No I haven't met him. I will sort something but it doesn't seem appropriate before the funeral.

Nothing you've said jumps out as concerning, no. I'd consider it pretty normal for your DS to have a sort of platonic crush on his GF's dad in the circumstances you describe, especially if the dad is making an effort to be welcoming and inclusive.

If things seem serious, perhaps you can meet her parents and hopefully that will reassure you.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your DH.