TLDR version: I’m unhappily childless and finding it very difficult to be around friends with children. Will this ever get any easier?
Last year I reconnected with an old university friend. We were good friends back in the day but then we graduated and naturally we drifted apart although we did still keep in touch occasionally. He’s now divorced with two children. I have no children; pregnancy for me is not impossible but with a combination of several health issues it would be very unwise to attempt it so I have made the decision not to.
Recently we’ve been spending more time together as I’m instructing his children in an activity; I’m doing this privately as his friend but I am professionally qualified to teach this activity. This started out okay but as the weeks have gone on I’ve started to develop some uncomfortable feelings, not for him individually but towards the three of them as a unit. They clearly have such a close bond and from what I see of him he’s just built to be a father. I wonder if this is my body trying to tell me that my childbearing years are running out, because although I know I can’t have children there’s no way to tell my body that!
I will say that I do teach other children and don’t have this problem, it only seems to be this bad when I see friends with their children. I think it’s particularly this friend because he was so keen to be a dad when we were at uni and now he is he doesn’t need much encouragement to wax lyrical about it. Conversely, his sadness at only seeing the children 50% of the time seems to tap right in to my feelings about having children 0% of the time. So whether he’s talking about the positives or the negatives, the effect seems to be the same.
I don’t have many friends but the small group we were both part of at uni was always such a positive space for me, it’d be nice to feel that again as they meet up regularly and he's invited me to the next one. Only problem is that all but one of them now have children. What can I even say to him, sorry I find it too difficult hearing about how happy you are?!
My options seem to be a) withdrawing from them completely, b) finding some way of coping with the discomfort internally or c) somehow finding an in to talk about my situation so that he might tone it down a bit. This may end up with him withdrawing from me though, which isn’t my preferred option. I’m also autistic so the chances of that conversation going as I want it to seem to be quite low.
Does anyone have any thoughts on any of this? Is there any hope for things to get better that I can’t see?