Feeling so empty. I want more dc, but I don't think it can happen 😕

[Parisiandreams]

Hi,

Just to give you a bit of background, I had my dc (only child) quite young - early 20's and that relationship broke down about 10 years ago. Been with dp for 8 years and are both mid 30's. Well, I'm 37 now, so mid- late.

I struggled being a young mum for the first couple of years, but looking back, I think it was more about being in a very unhappy relationship.

Anyway, am married now and settled and am desperate for a bigger family, but we can't have one. It's not just the longing for baby. I could be facing the empty nest before I'm 40 and honestly, every time I think of that I could easily cry.

It's getting to the point where I'm avoiding friends and family who have lots of young dc. I always feel terrible afterwards and it's not fair on dp who is much more accepting of our situation. They just think we should be thankful for what we have and also for the earlier "freedom".

I just don't know what to do to move forward/fill this void.

How do I accept this? I can't see how I can.

TIA

Why don't you think it can happen? X

Why can't you have one hun? Xx

37 is still young enough for it to happen (unless you know for sure medically)

But I can imagine the pain of the uncertainty.

Sorry @H8theW8, I should have been a bit clearer in my OP. Without going too much into details, we would require a sperm donor and dp can't get their head around that, which I understand.

It sounds like something else is missing and you think having a kid will fill that void.

Sorry pp but I agree with your friends and family. Why not start actually living and enjoying your life? Go on some adventures. Make some fun memories. Dont lay your lifes value on some currently non existent beings that may or may not happen in future.

Besides, you're only 37..for a you know you could still have a kid at 45! But broodiness, which I'm sorry but, that's what this is, should not be making your life miserable. Thats obsession/needing therapy territory.

I guess adoption isn't an option either? I know a few people who have found it so rewarding.

To come to terms or acceptance you may benefit from counselling and CBT knowledge to help you break the negative thinking spirals.

Sending lots of love and MN hugs xxx

@Umberellatheweatha, you could be right. It does sometimes feel like an obsession. It runs through everything, everyday. As I said though, it's not like a yearning to be pregnant or to have a baby, it's that crazy, hectic, big family life that I want more and more. I can honestly say, I am so jealous of those who have it and I feel bad for saying that , as it sounds as though I'm not grateful for what I already have. Dc is amazing and of course, I do feel very lucky to have them and I also know some people can't have any dc. I really am mindful of that.

I used to look forward to those future adult only mini breaks away once dc has flown the nest, whereas now, I feel empty and depressed at the thought. I feel like, what is the point of a holiday without having your dc around? I know that always happens eventually, but I just don't feel ready.

I'm sure lots of people feel that way! But you should take it as an opportunity to find yourself again. You has kids so young that being a mum has become a huge part of your identity and now you perhaps have lost touch with the rest of who you are. Having another kid would just be a temporary plaster for that. And youd find yourself I the same situation years down the line but perhaps too old to have some of the adventures you could have had now.

Maybe look at a different kind if holiday. Take up some hobbies ect...

Theres more to you than just being "mum".
And if you dont feel that way then it's time to make some changes. Not to reset and do the same thing over again. Look to try something new!

That being said, you dont need to give your partner any more time than you are comfortable with to get his head round you having a baby via a sperm doner. 6 months would have been the longest I would have allowed. IF more kids are really so important to you. But bare in mind that that may mean picking that over him and going it alone as a single parent. But it should feel like a decision you make one way or another. Rather than waiting in the hope he will make the choice you want 'someday'

Did you know he couldn’t have children when you married him?

You’re in the same boat a lot of people end up in, you’re incompatible and it’s the marriage you’re in that means another child is off the table.

I can see why he wouldn’t want to use a sperm donor, it’s a hugely complicated area. He’s taken on being a step dad and that seems to be enough for him.

That leaves you with a clear choice between staying together and knowing you’ll have one child or leaving and having one by yourself or with someone else.

It’s unfair on both of you to stay together if you’re overwhelmed by longing for another and resentment it won’t happen.

I’d have loved hands full of children and have one of my own and two step children. For a bunch of reasons I’ll only have one and that occasionally makes me a bit sad or regretful but I’m still knee deep in the toddler years at around your age so a completely different stage.

I feel for you but you need to either make a big change and have a baby or embrace what you have with a child you love and a husband you’re committed to.

Worked in hospital years ago and the great big smile on the face of the woman who had a baby girl after 2 boys who were in their 20s

@AnneLovesGilbert

Did you know he couldn’t have children when you married him?

You’re in the same boat a lot of people end up in, you’re incompatible and it’s the marriage you’re in that means another child is off the table.

I can see why he wouldn’t want to use a sperm donor, it’s a hugely complicated area. He’s taken on being a step dad and that seems to be enough for him.

That leaves you with a clear choice between staying together and knowing you’ll have one child or leaving and having one by yourself or with someone else.

It’s unfair on both of you to stay together if you’re overwhelmed by longing for another and resentment it won’t happen.

I’d have loved hands full of children and have one of my own and two step children. For a bunch of reasons I’ll only have one and that occasionally makes me a bit sad or regretful but I’m still knee deep in the toddler years at around your age so a completely different stage.

I feel for you but you need to either make a big change and have a baby or embrace what you have with a child you love and a husband you’re committed to.

I could be wrong but I read it as though OP is now in a same sex relationship.

@Umberellatheweatha, I think I probably do need to find myself, but for the first time. I don't think I've ever really found myself tbh.

I have just been mum for the past 15 years and in all honesty, I've probably only started properly enjoying it for the past 4 or 5. I suppose that was when I started to actually feel ready iyswim. I wish I could have my dc again now, when I wasn't an early 20's depressed, scared mess. I did my best, although I am only just starting to be a bit kinder to myself and realising this.