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Original poster

The dreaded 'No one is playing with me at school'.....

22 replies

gorginabambina · 11/07/2021 23:08

DD 8 started a new school last September. She blended in really well and she was loving it. The school said she had done amazing.

She came from a school where there was only one other girl in the class so she enjoyed flitting from one group to another and meeting new friends.

She became friends with another girl who was lovely at first but became upset if my dd wanted to play with another child/group to the point her mother contacted me saying that my dd was leaving her dd out. I told dd not to leave her out and to always include her.

Roll on to a month or so ago and dd and this girl had a minor fall out in school. Her mother contacted me and wanted dd to apologise, her dd had hit my dd and my dd shouted in her face. six of one half a dozen of the other. My dd didn't seem that phased though.

I told dd to play with other children from now on.

We are now at a point were my dd is saying no one is speaking to her - been like this for two weeks - and doesn't want to go to school tomorrow as she has a head ache, sore throat, blocked nose etc..

She says the other girl whispers to the girls she wants to play with or takes them off for 'private talk'. If dd goes to the toilet with another girl the other girl follows to see what they are talking about.

The protective mother in me want to think this girl has turned the class against my dd.

The realist mother in me realises that its not likely the whole class has turned against her and maybe its something DD is doing - maybe.

I dont know what to do to help her. I've told her to take a book in to school this week to read at break times.

I feel shit as at my last school I was really active within the school setting and dd had a large group of friends she knew in and out of school, at this one, ive been so busy with work and at home I havnt built those friendships up.

Any suggestions

OP posts:

DownWhichOfLate · 11/07/2021 23:14

Speak to the school. This need to be sorted ASAP.

Babynames2 · 11/07/2021 23:16

Speak to the class teacher and find out what’s going on. If the girls is turning people against her it’s bullying and the teacher needs to be made aware.

Original poster

gorginabambina · 11/07/2021 23:18

Thanks for replying. We break up this week. Is it worth speaking to the school about at this point?

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Saidtoomuch · 11/07/2021 23:19

You need to speak to the school, the teacher should help to integrate her with other girls. The other mum needs to keep her nose out - both mother and daughter sound manipulative.

Original poster

gorginabambina · 11/07/2021 23:21

@Saidtoomuch

You need to speak to the school, the teacher should help to integrate her with other girls. The other mum needs to keep her nose out - both mother and daughter sound manipulative.

Yes, I the mother really surprised me. I was a bit taken back tbh.

OP posts:

Saidtoomuch · 11/07/2021 23:21

And if you've only got a week left its more important that its dealt with quickly. Don't leave your DD to worry about going back to school for the full 6 weeks. See if you can swap numbers with a couple of other mums to try to build stronger friendships over the summer.

Yellowbowlbanana · 11/07/2021 23:22

You need to speak to the school. As you have said yourself it's likely to not be that simple. We had this with my dd at primary. One child said all the others excluded her when actually it came down to the fact that they just didn't want to play what she told them to play so she would stomp off. To be fair the school were great at sorting it out.

sleepingdragon · 11/07/2021 23:24

Yes definitely worth mentioning itnto the school. They might not be able to do anything this week, but can keep it in mind in their planning for September (e.g. where your DD will sit) if they aren't already aware.

Are you able to arrange some playdates with some of the other kids in the class over summer? The long holiday is a good opportunity for your DD to build some relationships without the other girl.

EverythingWillFallInLine · 11/07/2021 23:26

Yes do speak to the school. They can nip any exclusionary behaviour in the bud.

In the meantime try not to fear the worst. It is very unlikely that no one at all is talking to her, more that she's noticing the people who aren't. If you can gently tease out any recollection from her about a positive interaction she's had - and there will be some, honestly - then hopefully it will trigger a little shift in her focus away from the negative.

Don't just leave it because it's near end of term. A day of being miserable is too much. Let her end the year knowing that problems can be alleviated.

Original poster

gorginabambina · 11/07/2021 23:26

@Saidtoomuch

I was planning on doing this but yes I will speak to the school also. They are very good and hopefully they can make sure dd has a 'buddy' or something for the last day at least so dd isn't worrying over the summer.

This is the first time ever she hasn't wanted to go school.

OP posts:

stickygotstuck · 11/07/2021 23:29

Another one saying that it's worth talking to school. Don't leave it to fester.

Original poster

gorginabambina · 11/07/2021 23:29

Right, I'm going to speak yo the school.

Dd isn't my only dc, Ive a few and ive never had this. I'm a bit 'if it doesn't make you bleed your alright

But she was really sad last week and tonight she was crying. Not fake crying real sad tears and it made me way to keep her off [sad[

I'll get it sorted!

OP posts:

EverythingWillFallInLine · 11/07/2021 23:31

Nice one. Hope you get it sorted.

RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat · 11/07/2021 23:40

Block the other mum!

CrouchEndTiger12 · 11/07/2021 23:44

Her dd hit yours and you think they were both to blame?!

I would shout in someone's face if they hit me in mine!

Talk to the school, your child is being hit and now excluded by them.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 11/07/2021 23:47

Definitely speak to the school ASAP - if only because if there is the option to re-sort them into different classes next year you could ask for that (DD’s school is 2-form entry and they mix all the classes up again each year).

8 seems a particularly bad age for this kind of stuff - DD has also had trouble this year with a mean/manipulative “frenemy” who likes to play favourites with other girls, choose a new “bestie” every few weeks and then exclude other girls as a power move. Some girls get a bit over-keen on that kind of playground politics at that age. It’s really hard, but remind your DD to rise above it. Sounds like the other girl’s mum has a streak of it too!

EverythingWillFallInLine · 12/07/2021 00:00

Boys do it too ime. They'll use an excuse like "he's not as good at football so that's why we're not playing with him any more" but it is the same behaviour and the same motivation ie jostling for power.

Zilla1 · 12/07/2021 00:06

Agree about speaking to the class/form teacher this week to understand the picture and to use the Summer to build some 1 on 1 or close friendships with friendly faces so you'll need some names from your DD and some 'phone numbers before the school year ends.

Good luck.

Zilla1 · 12/07/2021 00:09

And I'd even ask the school about what they did about the punch by the other girl. Might muddy the waters but I'm not sure about the 6 of 1 for a punch compared with shouting.

Finally, is there an activity (brownies or sports) that your DD would want to do that some friendly faces in her class already do over the Summer - I know many stop outside term time but it feels like some time invested now might be better than a repeat in September that affects your DDs confidence and becomes a self-fulfilling?

Original poster

gorginabambina · 12/07/2021 07:54

@Zilla1

And I'd even ask the school about what they did about the punch by the other girl. Might muddy the waters but I'm not sure about the 6 of 1 for a punch compared with shouting.

When dd told me about the other girl hitting her I wasn't pleased and asked dd how she felt about it. She said it annoyed her but it was ok and they will make up. The other girls mum was actually really controlling in the situation despite it my dd being hit and I stepped back from them both.There are a few bits and bobs that I can't disclose as it really outing. I wanted to follow dds lead and let her deal with it but maybe I should have made more of a point about it. I did speak to her teacher at the time but I didn't press for intervention.

Brownies is a great idea and dd has mentioned it in the past. Ive found the other class mums on the class watsap so I'll reach out to them to set up play dates.

I asked something the other day on the class watsap and it was like tumble weed It is a cliquey bunch and I do need to invest time myself, which I find really odd as im in my 40s trying to make friends for my kid. I'd muted the group as its very active and im stressed with work etc but obviously I need to be a bit more present.

OP posts:

Divineswirls · 12/07/2021 11:26

Everything will change after the holidays.

Try and set up as many play dates with other dc from that class during the holidays and try and get her to go to holiday clubs where other dc from her class might be going

Once they return organise lots of play dates with class mates

Divineswirls · 12/07/2021 11:27

And stay away from that DD and her DM

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