Controlling overbearing toxic mother

[Findingahappyplace]

Im feeling so sad today and just need to vent for a minute.
I feel so isolated and so trapped.
I’m not sure where to begin with everything but to keep it as brief as possible.
My mum is controlling and manipulative and has ruined my life 😞
For a little background, I grew up in an abusive home with an abusive step dad. My mum knew all about the abuse but ignored it for many years, until she finally left him and dived straight into another toxic relationship. So I already hold resentment for her over that.
She has forced me to do things in my life I didn’t want to do and tries to control me and manipulate me all the time into doing everything she wants me to do - from important things like trying to control who I’m friends with and my career path down to little things like what I wear and how I want to decorate my lounge.
She has also isolated me from my dad so we have little to no contact now.
And she got rid of all of my friends and forced me to split up with my boyfriend who I loved in order for me to be with the guy she wanted me to be with - my now husband.
I have no brothers and sisters and no other family apart from my mum and step dad.
Now my problem is I can’t escape.
I have no friends to turn to. I have no family.
I’m lay here in bed tonight feeling anxious. My chest is tight and I just want to cry. I have this terrible feeling of impending doom and foreboding - all triggered by her visit today.
I feel so sad because I wish with all my heart that we could just have a good, healthy, normal relationship. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of my mum, even though she’s still alive. I feel we grow further apart every single day and I’m powerless to do anything about it or stop it. I just want her to be normal, as horrible as that may sound.
And I’m not sure why I’m writing all this, because there’s not much anyone can do to help me. But I just feel so alone.

Do you love your dh? Does he support you? What would happen if you told her no?

@Cherrysoup I don’t know tbh. The last time I felt real true crazy love was with the boyfriend I was forced to leave. I truly truly believe he was my soulmate 😞 I never felt anything like that again, never felt that with my DH. We have nothing in common, we are exact opposites. He is relatively supportive in most things. He agrees that my mum is unstable.
It depends I suppose what I was saying no to. For instance today’s argument was that she wanted me to paint my lounge mauve and I said, politely, we were thinking of a navy blue wall. So I could see her get angry, she starts to try to argue it, and I tried to change subject - but she won’t change subject and won’t back down. She starts gritting her teeth and getting aggressive and raising her voice while telling me all the reasons we have to have a mauve lounge and how we apparently can’t have anything else. When I didn’t say anything she lost it and grabbed her bag to leave shouting “fine! Fine! Have it your way! Fine!” And storms out and she is absolutely seething with anger. Very hostile.
If it is something like when she told me to leave my boyfriend, she would spend weeks, day after day, spending hours and hours wearing me down, and when I still said I didn’t want to after weeks of her trying to persuade me otherwise, she got angry and threatened me, told me if I didn’t do it she would never speak to me again, she would disown me. She told me the new guy she’d picked for me was the best I would ever get (DH) and I would be stupid to throw it away. So basically threatened and scared me into it.
It just depends, but she always gets crazy angry.
I’m so fed up of it all.

@Cherrysoup I am so sorry that was so long! I had no idea - to sum up and save you reading that, she gets insanely angry if you say no. Will shout, grit her teeth, start threatening, be cruel etc. Just be a bully basically.

You need to detach yourself from her. There is is long running thread on mumsnet called stately homes, with people who have been in your position which might be useful.

Do you live close to her? Could you get some counselling and start going low contact?

How old are you? It's probably time you accept she will never change and start looking forward to what you want.

Paint your room blue if that's what you want!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

If you can, please start looking into going NC. I don’t say this lightly - I’m NC with my mother, and although there was a period of grieving similar to what you’re saying, wishing she was ‘normal’ and loving etc, my life is so, so, so much better without her.

It’s hard to lose a parent particularly when they are still alive, but right now it’s the emotional and psychological equivalent of having someone punching you over and over and over again, keeping you from having the life you should have. You’ll only be able to have the mental space to rebuild friendships or a social life when that abusive figure is removed from your life.

There are loads of great people on MN who can support you and offer you good advice. You’re not alone.

I’m sorry OP, it sounds like you’ve been through a really hard time. Your mother’s behaviour is completely out of order. Her reaction over your preference for paint colour shows how overbearing and controlling she is being - it’s simply none of her business.

Your mother sounds awful and has not been a good parent to you. Remember that - what genuinely loving parent behaves like this?.

As @BloomingTrees suggests, re-post this under the
"June 2021 - Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread in Relationships. There are lots of knowledgeable helpful people there to support you. Do read the introductory post and some of the suggested reading about toxic parents.

In my view you need to cut off all contact but if that sounds too severe and scary you can start with very low contact. Others on the Stately Homes thread can advise how to do that.

You need to start imagining a life without her in it. With no insane anger, no cruel comments, controlling your life choices, no bossing you around, no feeling bad about yourself because of what she has said.

It's highly unlikely she will disown you or never speak to you again. She needs you in her life as she gets some sort of weird pleasure from treating from you this way. If anything you cutting contact will make her step up efforts to see and control you.

It won't be easy but reducing or stopping contact will improve your life. Get help and do it.

OP I am sorry to read your post but you do know that the only person who can save you is YOU? You owe it to you now and your future self to make a decision and follow it through.You do not need to live like this you do not owe anyone anything.You do owe yourself peace,calm,respect and happiness and I guess your family are not equipt to supply these basic needs, Be kind to yourself and rid your life of anything or anyone who adds nothing to it.We get one chance in life to live then its game over,Be brave and have faith in you..you can live a wonderful life if you get rid of what you do not need, For those who say its not easy it is you just decide to choose you and the relief you feel will be worth more than anything,

You need to ditch your Mum permanently.

She will go crazy and you may need a restraining order but your freedom will be worth it.

Can you afford to get a therapist to help you through this?