If you don't want to get married but...

[lemonsandgingerbeer]

... you are in a committed relationship that you intend to stay in for life, have you done anything to mark the commitment?

DP and I aren't interested in getting married (for multiple reasons both emotional and financial that I'm not interested in debating here), and we don't want kids (he has a son from a past relationship).

We're both clear that 'this is it' for us, and if we were going to get married, we'd be doing it now.

We were chatting the other night and saying it feels a shame that we don't have some kind of symbol or ritual to mark our commitment (beyond the day to day of our relationship, which is ultimately what it's all about). I think if I'm honest, I also feel to some extent that I'm missing out on some of the normal 'milestones' of my 30s, and it would be nice to have something that felt like a special and significant moment while all my mates don their white dresses and take newborn photos.

And I wondered: if you're in a similar position, did you do anything to mark / celebrate your relationship? A non-official ceremony just for the two of you, or a piece of jewellery, or something else?

Not sure we'd go to huge amounts of trouble for this, but was fun to think about.

Have you discounted a civil partnership for the same reasons as deciding against a wedding? If not, that might be an option.

I know a couple of people who have had 'hand fasting' ceremonies. In their cases they followed on from a legal marriage as well, but they don't need to.

Handfasting

Have you looked into Humanist ceremonies? Non legal and I’ve always rather liked the sentiment despite being C of E myself and having married in a C of E church.

Sorry - just looked at they’re not legal in England but they are in other parts of the UK so depends where you live.

A friend of mine doesn't want to get married, but did want to share a special "occasion" with her partner, so they had a private blessing in a place that they love; and then we had a meal with them to celebrate.

They choose whether or not to acknowledge the "anniversary" each year - sometimes they do, sometimes they're not fussed - but they didn't swap rings or anything, and they seem happy that it wasn't the wedding that they didn't want, but they did get the occasion and to celebrate them.

If it's the public declaration you want then do a non legally binding marriage ceremony and have a party.

If it's just the commitment between the two of you that you want then maybe get eternity/promise rings.

I live with my long term partner
We just celebrate the day we met and have no intentions of any celebration-it’s just between us
I do like the idea of hand fastening tho-he’d never do it

If I felt like that - I'd look into getting some jewellery made - if you both wear jewellery. Or a painting commissioned of a special place to you both.

Possibly a photo shoot if you are into that kind of thing - somewhere special to you.

What we actually did was get married in a very non stuffy way and threw a big party.

Would you consider marriage if you both agreed to keep your finances separate?

Handfasting would appeal to me too.

One of my friends is a celebrant and does some lovely ceremonies like this, not legal, just for family and friends :) might be worth looking at?

Devil’s advocate, I’m sure - but does something which essentially carries no obligation of commitment actually demonstrate commitment? I mean, you can stand in front of all your friends and say some nice and meaningful-sounding things to each other, but ultimately it’s not really any different to telling your BFF when you were 14 that you’ll be together forever. I know a couple of friends who’ve had Humanist-style “promise ceremonies” where they do just that, and they were lovely and heartwarming to attend, though. If it’s the feel good factor and doing it in public that’s important, I’d suggest looking into that.

I’m not coming at this from the angle of suggesting marriage btw - I’ve also struggled with the idea of marriage: financially, I’d lose out in the event of divorce, and I’m not romantic enough to believe there’s no chance of my own relationship ever ending!

We bought wedding rings. I also changed my name because we did want kids and I wanted us all to have the same name.

Eventually I would like to get married (very small event) and would like to do it on the anniversary of my name change.

@HollowTalk

Would you consider marriage if you both agreed to keep your finances separate?

I don't think that's really an option though is it? Especially if he already has a child.

What about just having a wedding and asking one of your friends to officiate it? Not legal. Just nice. You might even get a toaster.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Devil’s advocate, I’m sure - but does something which essentially carries no obligation of commitment actually demonstrate commitment? I mean, you can stand in front of all your friends and say some nice and meaningful-sounding things to each other, but ultimately it’s not really any different to telling your BFF when you were 14 that you’ll be together forever. I know a couple of friends who’ve had Humanist-style “promise ceremonies” where they do just that, and they were lovely and heartwarming to attend, though. If it’s the feel good factor and doing it in public that’s important, I’d suggest looking into that.

I’m not coming at this from the angle of suggesting marriage btw - I’ve also struggled with the idea of marriage: financially, I’d lose out in the event of divorce, and I’m not romantic enough to believe there’s no chance of my own relationship ever ending!

Meh. DH and I could divorce tomorrow and there would be no issues (we've got no money). IN other countries quicky divorces are easy to obtain and I can imagine that will be the case in the UK at some point in the near future.

Lots of people get married multiple times. There's no taboo in divorce anymore.

@Ronnii

We bought wedding rings. I also changed my name because we did want kids and I wanted us all to have the same name.

Eventually I would like to get married (very small event) and would like to do it on the anniversary of my name change.

@Ronnii in your circumstances - I'd get married. Unless you've got your wills written, all your finances sorted and your powers of attorney sorted - just get married.

Have a hand fasting ceremony?