Boss says I need to be more confident?

[CaffeineAndNicotine]

I am incredibly lucky to have been promoted recently. There was a rocky start that really messed with my head. Now, I have an amazing manager but am failing to get a handle on my confidence. My manager, and the other person at my level are both really supportive. However recently we got a few bad results and we need to "do better". I have learned my lesson from these results and am determined to do this. My boss says she knows my confidence is an issue and will support me but I need to get a handle on my flapping sooner rather than later, and fast.
How do I overcome this lack of confidence? Any tips? I really want to change.

Honestly I would say fake or till you make it. I'm serious!

What are your responsibilities and what do you need to do better for improved results? Advice will depend if its making a sales pitch/managing staff/cutting a deal?

Flapping? Was that her word or yours? Reason I ask is that flapping implies a sort of panic response, which is different (imo) to a lack of confidence.

What exactly was her wording?

Tbf the results weren't confidence related as such. It was just what lead into the conversation. The results we can change, with process so that's all covered. I think it was more i felll apart a bit when the people who were auditing us walked in, iyswim? Plus we need to get the team to work better, and if I am not confident in what I am doing then I cannot lead effectively? I need to stop stressing and see the bigger picture.

The word was "flappability" and yes, there was some panic in the situation

Well tell them you want some training.

It’s not massively helpful or good leadership to tell someone struggling with confidence to ‘be more confident’. What the fuck are you supposed to do with that instruction?

How are they prepared to support you in doing that?

This isn’t really something MN can fix cos it will be very situation related and it probably wasn’t that bad. However, if it was bad you need to ask for a bit of leadership coaching.

Like we missed some things, all of us missed different bits, nothing life changing or close the business, all small things but i was stressed I was going to go to disciplinary and lose my job. I didnt, obviously. But that is where my head immediately went.

I did the months long company training. I can do the process stuff. I just think maybe, why me, am I really good enough to be here, struggle with the staff who seem to be a totally different breed to my last team, where I had no confidence issues at all! (Which is why I was offered the promotion in the first place!)

I agree with 'fake it until you make it'. You wouldn't have the job unless you deserved it. Have a little faith in yourself. I'd personally rather make a mistake and learn from it than never take the chance of proving myself. You've got this.

I agree with the 'fake it til you make it'. I allow myself to flap in my head if I need to but I don't talk to anyone else about a situation u til I've settled on a solution/way forward - I work in a very fast paced environment so this is only a matter of minutes for my team. I also have a stock of 'holding phrases' so I don't even need to think about what to say to people while I'm inwardly panicking eg I'm just reviewing the documents, I'll let you know when I've read them.
I also have a couple of people at work whom I admire professionally and often think 'what would x do'
I also use x after the event (I have a great relationship with her) and ask if she agreed with my actions. Not all the time, but those situations where I was on the edge between 2 possible actions. She does the same to me too.
Know your real areas of strength and apply them to each situation
Next time you meet an auditor, remember that they are just human too

Slow down. Calm down. Smile less and say less. From your posts you come across as chatty, fun and self deprecating (incredibly lucky to have been promoted 🤦🏻‍♀️😣)

Give yourself headspace and you’ll have time and energy to focus on the job.

@Etinox

Slow down. Calm down. Smile less and say less. From your posts you come across as chatty, fun and self deprecating (incredibly lucky to have been promoted 🤦🏻‍♀️😣)

Give yourself headspace and you’ll have time and energy to focus on the job.

Don't smile less. There's nothing worse than someone who gets a promotion and suddenly becomes less approachable. More responsibility doesnt have to mean less pleasant.

That is the kind of feedback that I find really unhelpful as it's not specific enough. The best feedback I was given by a manager, who thought I was not confident enough, was to make sure I spoke up at least twice in each meeting. That really helped me focus on something I could do and measure and now I speak up lots in meetings. That's just one example but your boss needs to tell you more precisely what it is they expect you to do.

Sounds like some training on imposter syndrome might be a good start in improving your confidence in your abilities.

Do they offer it at your workplace?

I think you might have a bit of imposter syndrome going on. I was like this when I got promoted. Why me and not my colleague - especially as he'd chosen not to go for the job. In all honestly it has taken me about 3yrs to get over this. So if all else fails then time might be an answer. Hopefully there's something more proactive you could do which someone might suggest, or look it up online.

For what it's worth, three yrs later I recognise that this job would have drowned my colleague, he'd have dived into the detail and never come up again... I'm more about the big picture and bringing in changes to improve things.

Congratulations on the promotion!

I've had the same feedback before and have been really working on it. I've found lots of books and blogs useful, but off the top of my head I'd recommend 12 Thoughts of Successful Women, and How Women Rise. Both very interesting reads in my opinion. Maybe Google them/have a look at the page previews on Amazon and see if you they might be useful? I found the five traits/different reasons for (can't remember quite how it was phrased) imposter syndrome in the first book really useful, as I related to 2 or 3 and could then start to identify where I needed to think about a problem differently.

My previous manager used to say the same thing but offered no real suggestions or anything to help me with my confidence - instead pointed out all my faults & mistakes and put me on performance review.

I became much more confident when I handed my notice in and went to a better manager 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fake it til you make it is among the best advice I've found, by the way! That looks different for everyone I suppose, but for me it means concentrating on saying less, not launching into large explanations or justifications when feeling under pressure, and not adding things like 'what do you think?' after all of my suggestions.

@girlmom21

I agree with 'fake it until you make it'. You wouldn't have the job unless you deserved it. Have a little faith in yourself. I'd personally rather make a mistake and learn from it than never take the chance of proving myself. You've got this.

Ime that hasn't been case on more than one occasion. Loads of unless people are promoted to jobs they aren't very good at. I'm sure most people have worked for a not very good supervisor/manager

We can't know if that's happened here but I think it needs to be taken seriously and nipped in the bud with some proper training. Yes, we can fake till we make it but we can't magically make it without being properly trained

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair she's said she's had lots of training and there are no competency issues she's let's help her based on the information we have

[quote girlmom21]@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair she's said she's had lots of training and there are no competency issues she's let's help her based on the information we have [/quote]
You can be trained in improving confidence and soft skills. It doesn't have to be training on how to do the job. Surely that's the obvious answer

Some great tips here. Slow down. Stock responses. These are two that resonate, definitely! I also need to stop apologising as someone else said. Apparently I say sorry everytime I enter the management office and someone is in there. I had no idea I even did this

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair actually my big boss (bosses boss) was the one who promoted me and said the same thing. He actually gave me a book to read about imposter syndrome. I think I may need to reread it! My lack.of confidence affects their confidence in me and we all know I can do the job, now I just need to show the confidence as well. My boss trusts me and knows I always try my best.