Finances - is this old-fashioned or abusive?

[kebabmuncher]

This has been preying on my mind quite a bit and would like your collective wisdom.

Disclaimer: I am aware that this is a very first-world problem and that compared to a lot of people I am very fortunate and have nothing to complain about. Apologies if I offend anyone.

Some background/context. Together 25 years, married 20. Two teenagers.
DH brings home more than 5k per month after tax, I bring home 1.7k after tax since going back full time 5 years ago.
I did take time out (3 years) when dc were small and then worked part-time to facilitate family life. Dh had/has 'an important job' which meant long hours.

Dh will get a very good pension, bringing in much more than I earn at present. I will get considerably less as I have obviously paid in much, much less.
We have 5 years left on the mortgage.
Joint current a/c with a very healthy balance and we each have savings and life insurance, both in very safe set-ups as dh is very risk averse.
Dh has never wanted to discuss investments, savings etc with me, is anti stocks and shares, doesn't want to invest in property as he is probably going to inherit, and has more or less decided and continues to decide for both of us in the sense that no discussion is possible.

I will more than likely not inherit anything and as my pension is going to be very small I really want to put things in place. I recently increased my pension contributions to £200 per month but this is not going to come to much.

I feel that I'm not allowed to put anymore aside as most of what goes into the account he has earned, nor question the choices he has made for us. I feel panicky, resentful, stupid and unable to act. Controlled, even.

I told him I'm thinking of making an appointment with the bank to see what I can do (possibly £100 per month into shares, instead of just savings - currently £150 per month goes into savings for each of us, he prefers to keep it on the current account for reasons beyond me) and it went over like a lead ballon. Of course he didn't tell me not to, but he just seemed to exude disapproval.

Is this set up normal?
What would you do?

I wouldn’t say that’s normal.

DH earners 2.5 times what my FT salary would be. Both salaries go into our joint account. He doesn’t discuss his pension decisions with me, I only discuss mine with him as he knows lots about them. All other investment/ savings decisions are made together.

Let him disapprove. He should be supporting the person he loves.

No it’s not normal at all. He sounds really controlling. Why have you tolerated this for so long?

I think you're being very prudent making sure you are set up financially for the future. I wouldn't think you'd need his permission, go ahead and speak to the bank and do what's right for you. It does sound a little controlling but obviously it's hard to tell without knowing you and your relationship.

Either way, go ahead and make sure you have your finances straight, let him know as a courtesy, or don't 🤷‍♀️

Well, I don't know. I don't think it sounds that abnormal. By that I mean your dh has a particular risk averse stance to certain investments. It doesn't sound like you've ever made an effort to invest before. Now you have and want to take a certain approach, which he isn't personally comfortable with and he's let you know. But ultimately, it's your money and as long as he isn't preventing you, it sounds more like a disagreement than financial abuse.

I say this as someone who has a very egalitarian, equal set up in terms of finances. Dh comes up with silly financial ideas sometimes. I roll my eyes at him, but it's his money and he can do what he wants, even if I don't agree. I wouldn't just keep my mouth shut and say I didn't agree though.

That said, it sounds like you are worried that your dh has more money than you. Do you need to make changes to how you share joint expenses? If he is making a lot more than you, he should be paying a lot more, meaning you have something left over to do what you want with. Also, all these things he has because he makes more money - larger pension, property, inheritance - this are all marital assets and they are technically '50%' (ish) yours if you were to split, so you should be hopefully well protected. If your children are older now, have you thought about working more to build up your own savings?

No it’s not normal at all. He sounds really controlling. Why have you tolerated this for so long?

This…he sounds abusive.

My DH has always earned more than me, similar to you I went PT after kids. We have been mortgage free for many years, all our money is shared and, apart from a savings ac of up to 20k, all excess money has gone into investments via individual S&S ISAs and personal pensions.

He was self employed until April, so no final salary pensions, unlike me, however, we both paid the same amount into ISAs, he even paid into my personal pension from his company account.

I am retired, but not yet claiming any pension as he has chosen to continue to work. We have stopped ISA payments but still paying into personal pensions.

You need to set up a personal pension and just pay into it, whatever he says. It is not his decision, you deserve a decent pension as much as he does.

Maybe point out to him that if you decide to separate because of his financial abuse, you will be eligible for part of his pension!

As you say he has the "BIG" job for which it can be argued that you sacrificed your career for in order to be there for the kids etc.

The "BIG" job often comes with "VERY GOOD" pension. Try and find out what his (or the firm's) monthly contributions are. Could you get him to agree that yours should be the same? Or possibly even more to play catch up?

Should my kids end up in good jobs with good pension schemes then I will impress upon them that should they be blessed with their own offspring and their partner ends up as the SAHP, then pension contributions must be made on their behalf, from the family pot.

It sounds like he is begrudging but not forbidding your investment ideas. Plough on!

Check out Vanguard for S&S ISAs. Bank based recommendations may end up with higher charges/more commission.

OP's H "continues to decide for both of us in the sense that no discussion is possible"

I don't care what is normal -- but that above is not healthy.

"Exuding disapproval" on other hand omg, that is fucking normal in marriage. Also not very healthy but it is 'normal'. You have to decide how to take it. Mine "exudes disapproval" because I pay "that's so expensive!" £10/month on PAYG and not £7 on a phone contract. I'm thinking to find a provider for £12/month just to wind him up--

You earn your own money
So you should have some say in what to do with it
If you pay into a work pension, how much does your employer pay in ?
It may be a case of, if you pay in 10%, they do too
So I would start with getting the facts from your current pension. So it may be worth paying more in

Current accounts are all paying less than 1% interest

Have a look on money saving expert website

Look at premium bonds

What will you do with the extra money, once the mortgage is paid ?

Knowledge is power

Thanks for the feedback.
Interesting to see some variation on a theme: that I should go ahead and get things sorted.

I think since hitting perimenopause I have undergone a personality transplant. I find myself think wtf about a lot of things I have gone along with or choices I made.

I will be reading up and making an appointment with the bank.

I bloody love Mumsnet.