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Original poster

Would you be offended by this?

22 replies

IrisJoy · 09/07/2021 13:03

I started a new job 3 months ago. Today is one of the team's birthday. They are all going out this eve but I haven't been invited. It seems to be from a group chat that they had prior to me joining so not a deliberate exclusion. I am trying not to feel offended but they have been talking about it today, what they are wearing etc and no one has thought to either invite me, or at least say something about directly to me,or invite me to join the WhatsApp. Argh. Help me not to feel like a left out child!

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 09/07/2021 13:06

I’d be a bit miffed but it sounds slightly thoughtless rather than malicious?
Is it the whole group and just you left out or a smaller group?
Where I work there are four of us who are really good friend and we would do things that didn’t involve the rest of the team.

walkoflifewoohoo · 09/07/2021 13:16

Every single one of them? That's not very nice if so

HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli · 09/07/2021 13:22

It probably hasn't occurred to anyone that you aren't on the group WhatsApp; it is quite easy to forget when something was set up and I think group chats tend to have a name/title than be a list of names so really easy to overlook someone. Can you ask any one of them about joining the group chat? Or is no one approachable enough?

PhilCornwall1 · 09/07/2021 13:27

Offended? No, bloody relieved that I'd not been asked.

GloomySunday · 09/07/2021 13:43

If you've just started working there then I shouldn't worry. It was organised prior to you starting. It's just one of those things.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 09/07/2021 13:46

no

I hate group chats and the idea of going out with work colleagues who are not friends out of courtesy sounds horrendous to me.
I'd be very happy not to be included after just 3m of being there.

after 3 years - different scenario

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 09/07/2021 13:47

That's really harsh. I'm assuming it's not something they had booked in advance? If it's just drinks then it's really horrible of them to not invite you. You've been there 3 months, I'd still think it was horrible if you'd only been there 3 days

TedMullins · 09/07/2021 14:07

That’s mean. If they’re all talking about it in front of you I’d just ask if you can come! “Oh, going out for drinks tonight are you? Mind if I tag along?”

SummerInSun · 09/07/2021 14:08

@HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli

It probably hasn't occurred to anyone that you aren't on the group WhatsApp; it is quite easy to forget when something was set up and I think group chats tend to have a name/title than be a list of names so really easy to overlook someone. Can you ask any one of them about joining the group chat? Or is no one approachable enough?
This
SummerInSun · 09/07/2021 14:09

@TedMullins

That’s mean. If they’re all talking about it in front of you I’d just ask if you can come! “Oh, going out for drinks tonight are you? Mind if I tag along?”
And also this last bit about just casually asking if you can join. If they say no, they are mean to be discussing it in front of you.
BrilliantBetty · 09/07/2021 14:55

Yes I'd be offended tbh. Even if I didn't particularly want to go. It isn't v nice of them to be talking about it in front of you if you're not invited.

Polkadots2021 · 09/07/2021 15:06

They will literally all assume you're on the chat group! They definitely won't have done this deliberately. Think of how parents year group WhatsApp groups are - you'd never bother checking if all parents were on it before posting stuff. It was a silly oversight I think - I'd say hey could I come? I'm not on the group yet! I bet they'll feel bad you're not on it! Plus if it's a WhatsApp group noone will have gotten an independent invitation anyway.

Original poster
IrisJoy · 09/07/2021 15:27

I am not worried about not being on the group chat. There is a main work work one and some off shoots and this is obviously just an off shoot one. I wouldn't expect to be put on it as it started before I arrived.
Our team is 6 Inc me. One other isn't going (and wasn't invited) but I think she isn't someone that would socialise outside work. Plus one member of anither team at work who seems to be on this chat and is going. Tbh I am not fussed about actually going. I just feel a bit sad that they have been talking about it a lot and no one thought to say 'oh iris joy would you like to come?' there's only about 6 going so there is no way there just didn't realise.
They are all love people and
I thought that at least two of them were becoming friends, but maybe not.
This has only been organised in the last couple of weeks, no way before I started here.
I know it's okay really, and it's definitely not malicious. It's just made me feel a bit dad today, like maybe I am not fitting in as well as I thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
IrisJoy · 09/07/2021 15:28

If they didn't want to invite me then that's fine. I just think they should have made some effort not to talk about it in front of me then.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 09/07/2021 15:30

Find a way to say 'Have a lovely time!'. They may suddenly realise and invite you, but dont go- say you have plans but would love to go next time.

LubaLuca · 09/07/2021 15:35

I'd feel a bit upset that none of them had thought that I was the only one not invited. It's thoughtless more than intentionally exclusive I'm sure, but it still smarts, particularly when it's something you would have enjoyed being part of.

Original poster
IrisJoy · 09/07/2021 15:36

I have said to a couple of them 'Oh where are you going' etc. I think one felt bad because she then said 'oh what are you doing this weekend?'. I then mentioned to another, just as she was leaving 'oh who is going this evening?' and she said 'it's a shame you're not coming' and I did say that I wasn't invited. She said that she only knew about it last night (I don't think she is on the group chat). If anything this makes it worse because they have specifically invited her!
I am sure she will mention it this evening tbh. Let's see what happens next time...
I do get it in that they don't know if I'd be interested and we haven't had a night out yet so they don't know what I am like outside work etc. It just makes me feel a bit sad that no one thought to ask.

OP posts:
DocDog · 09/07/2021 15:48

It's up to whoever's birthday it is.

It sounds like it's not just a work thing. Do you get on with the birthday person?

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2021 15:53

Op is it thr tables of six thing? Due to Covid?

Morgan12 · 09/07/2021 16:03

It's really shitty of them.

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2021 16:12

@Morgan12

It's really shitty of them.
Not necessarily. Due to Covid they can only get tables of six. If they invite a seventh they need to split into two tanles making it much more difficult, in fact impossible, to socialise as one group, as tables have to be distanced.. It could be simoly logistics due to Covid and as the op is the newest she has missed out.

They are keeping it to six becayse any more and they need to sit at two seperate tables six feet apart.

Original poster
IrisJoy · 09/07/2021 16:40

Maybe about the table of 6, but then wouldn't you just say that when you were talking about it? Also, when they were discussing it they decided to sit outside.
I agree re birthday person, I thought I got on well with her! But if I was one of the others I would have taken the birthday person to one side and said 'Dobyiu think we should invite Iris Joy?' or at least made an excuse like the table of 5 thing!
I am getting over it. I think I am just being a bit sensitive because I am tired! 😁

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