Struggling with partner on the spectrum

[Jattyi]

(Accidentally posted in relationships but not sure how to move)

I’ve been with DP quite a while. When we first met I found him very reserved and quiet, and unusual in a lot of ways. He liked order and routine (as do I) but it was very formal and regimented, almost like he was a bit panicked or deeply confused if things were changed. It was mild and I didn’t think it was anything to do with being on the spectrum, I just thought it was different to other people. I fell in love with him quite fast.

As time went on he opened up about things and said as a child he was assessed and he is on the spectrum. He is very high functioning and self aware, in many cases he is no different to anyone else.

But I am finding some things quite hard. We’ve been trying to book a weekend away for a long time. He constantly says he can’t commit as he has a rota at work which he won’t know until the week. I’ve asked him to book a day off and he says he can’t do that at the moment, work is busy etc. I would be ok with this it it wasn’t months later sad on the flip side, I know he is eager to go away with me and sometimes ( after a drink mostly) he gets upset and says he really does want to do these things together he just struggles with finding the time. I just don’t know what to do.

I have to email him about potential plans as he just freezes if I say anything to him and he is put on the spot. This system has worked well as he responds after a few days and has clearly considered what I have said in detail...but it is frustrating for me. Sometimes I just want to have a quick chat about where we will eat or where we might visit at the weekend and it seems like this mammoth task that he’s incapable of discussing there and then. He also goes on about not wanting to let me down by changing plans last minute...I’ve repeatedly said I’m fine with that, I just don’t want to never make plans at all!!

We have talked about living together and he’s really keen on the idea, as am I. Then last night, he finds out that he might be relocated with work and tells me he’s not sure how we can live together confused despite me having worked from home since 2014! Obviously I can be remote wherever and he knows this. It has thrown me and I don’t know if it is part of his struggles on the spectrum or whether he’s actually telling me he doesn’t want to take that step.

He can be very physically affectionate and makes me feel very loved but I rarely get texts of affection (unless he’s had a drink), it’s usually just very practical contact and absolutely no flirting whatsoever. In fact I don’t think he’s ever flirted with me. I mention this as I often find it hard to remember how he feels when we are apart.

I really do love the man and want to be with him. I’m just struggling with these behaviours and wondered if anyone else had similar situation and how they can help their partner/the relationship.

We have talked about living together and he’s really keen on the idea, as am I. Then last night, he finds out that he might be relocated with work and tells me he’s not sure how we can live together confused despite me having worked from home since 2014! Obviously I can be remote wherever and he knows this. It has thrown me and I don’t know if it is part of his struggles on the spectrum or whether he’s actually telling me he doesn’t want to take that step.

It’s just rigidity of thinking. ((“Just”! Ha!)

I’m in the spectrum, and I have male relatives on the spectrum and it does present differently. The rigid thinking thing tends to be stronger in aspie men, I think.

If you want to communicate effectively with him, you have to very upfront about your thought process and break it down for him. Don’t assume that he will be able to infer the emotional implications of his very fact-driven responses. So just tell him/ ask him what you’re wondering and deal with it that way.

So literally say “I can’t work out whether you’re just commenting on what you see as the facts, or whether this means you are less keen to move in. Do you still want to live in? If you do, we can problem solved the logistics together.”

Maybe also spell out for him just how flexible your “remote working” can be. Maybe he hasn’t fully grasped that if he has a previous idea in his head about how “remote working” means popping to the office or something?

@RickiTarr thanks for the response. I’m finding it so hard to remember he wants us to be together. Last time I lost my temper and said you know it seems like you’re not arsed... he burst into tears and it was obvious he does care. I felt awful.

I just am struggling with this moving in situation as it is perfectly obvious to me that his location doesn’t mean we need to not move in. He was happy about it before. Maybe I need to be very direct and spell out how it would work. It makes me feel like I’m forcing it though, when I have to do that!

Direct and spelling it out are definitely the way to go.

However, if you’re going to be with him long term, you have to accept that this is the way he’s made and so hinting and implying and expecting him to cotton on won’t work. He can learn strategies for clearer communication, but he won’t suddenly become good at picking up on hints.

Can you arrange a trial of living together in your place or his before you get into the business of joint tenancies, or joint mortgages, joint finance and relocations?

@RickiTarr yeah I don’t intend for us to sell my house or anything, we’d just move wherever he is based and keep finances separate. To be honest we earn similar amounts so I am quite happy with a separate finance arrangement. I don’t want anything heavy like buying somewhere, but was excited to progress to moving into rented together. It’s hard not to feel hurt by what I see as hesitance? If that makes sense. But then someone who cries like he did when we nearly broke up... obviously he does care. I just want to do my best by him as he is the best person I’ve ever met. I don’t want to lose us.

He sounds lovely actually and so do you. Hopefully, it’s an initial hump of misunderstanding you can get over?