Mums who have studied/worked etc - how do you do it?

[SpeciminA]

I want to throw myself back into my job. I’m a writer so I can work flexible hours and I can work from home.

But I can’t seem to ‘find time’ and my brain is just not functioning. I have one DS 9mp. Nap time is spent tidying, washing, organising food, bla bla bla. DH is about at the moment but working long hours and will soon be going abroad and no family around. I’m also bloody knackered all the time (He’s not the best sleeper yet, getting better though!) and find when I do get five minutes I want to rest.

When I hear about single parents of multiple children getting pHds and still keeping a home I am partly in awe and partly bewildered - how do you do it? Is it down to help and support, or are you beyond exhausted from only getting a few hours sleep? Do I need to just decide to get on with it?

Thanks. X

Exhausted, the house work is not a priority, help from family with childcare and also deadlines help. When the deadline looms, there's no choice but to get on with it.
Hope all goes well.

Childcare. My kids were in nursery from 9m. I don't think you can look after a baby full time and work too.

I never worried about housework too much. I worked part time, fifteen hours a week over two days at first, then eighteen hours, gradually increased. Later I studied as well as working.

My husband and I worked as a team but we did have help from grandparents on both sides and employed a fortnightly cleaner.

Went back to work k when my eldest was 9 months she was up about 4 times a night at least had colic and more. I've erased that part of my life from my memory! I had to go back to work you just get on with it. Cry it out on the stairs or in the shower, pick yourself up and carry on.

If you don't NEED to work k financially then hold out until you feel more upto it, however after parenting for 5 years now I don't feel any more rested tbh!

Two full-time jobs in our house, so we have full-time childcare.

When that wasn't available during the first lockdown it was a nightmare, we had a two year old and had to alternate days of working and childcare.

Basically, you won't be able to work with a nine month old around and it will only get harder. Fire off the odd email, sure, but if you need to concentrate for more than five minutes you'll need childcare. I guess since your hours are flexible you could work before and after your DH is at work, but like you say that's not sustainable.

You need childcare. It's not possible to work more than a few hours a week with small children at home. If you only need to work a few hours then your best bet would be to agree with your DH certain periods when he is on duty eg a couple of evenings and/or one day of the weekend.

We both worked full time from when my daughter was just 3 months old to when her brother was born when she was 17m old, while only having her in nursery 9am - 1pm. We shared out the afternoons between us and both worked every evening. It was tough! Couldn't have done with without DH doing his share and the morning childcare.

@AAAY thanks for the honesty! Financially I don’t really need to, we could get by on DHs wages, but I really miss my work, it’s not just a job to me if that makes sense. I love it and feel a bit lost without it. I feel like I’ve stopped being ‘SpeciminA’ (and before anyone comments that this writer Doesn’t know how to spell it’s a deliberate mistake!) and I’m just DSmum. Which I love, but I really loved that little part of me too!

We were both full time, DDs were in nursery from 6 months. We dropped housework standards and shared what needed to be done. Both had weekday office jobs though, not one of us working away often. That didn't start happening until DDs were a little bit older.

I don't think you can work effectively with a little one at home sucking up your attention.

I had a very flexible job when my dcs were young and put them into childcare. DH did the drop off and I did the pick up. I worked three times a week. All my earnings went on childcare pretty much. It was stressful, no time for myself and I was tired. Once my youngest went to school I began working two days a week during school hours, it was really nice. I had a good work- life balance but did feel a bit bored. now I am working and studying. It's a juggle. I am super busy but you get by a and you get on with it.

You make it sound like working with kids is an unusual choice. Did you not have a plan for going back to work? Did you imagine you would be able to fit writing in around your baby? You need a childminder /nanny /then nursery. Even more so if dh is going to be around less.

Childcare. Very expensive childcare.

I felt exactly the same. I'd look into childcare - a couple of mornings a week if you don't want to do it full-time. But looking after a baby is a job. You can't work and do it at the same time.

I had a very supportive dh who took up more than the slack. Then there were evenings after the kids were in bed.
Tough but worth it in the end.
I did a degree and then a Pgce in my mid to late 30's with 3dc.
Didn't need any childcare but my dh lucky he can choose his times and work.

At my busiest time in life - child under 1 and working full time, my industry put a new qualification in place. Everybody in a management roll had to pass 3 exams. My day was just about completed when the 9:00 news came on. Every night for a year I sat down at 9:00pm for 40 minutes to study and passed. Many people didn’t and had to re-take as they left studying too late. Interestingly, those of us who were the busiest all passed.

As I only had this one time-slot available, I couldn’t put it off and “faff”.

Was very glad when it was done though!

I feel exactly the same, as does DH, hence the jobs and childcare.

You'll find a way around it OP. Start by figuring out how much and how often you want to work, and take it from there.

@aramox

You make it sound like working with kids is an unusual choice. Did you not have a plan for going back to work? Did you imagine you would be able to fit writing in around your baby? You need a childminder /nanny /then nursery. Even more so if dh is going to be around less.

Nope @aramox I had no plan as I quit my job and wasn’t going to return till DS was 3+, but didn’t realise how much I’d miss working and would like to explore the option again.

Also dont know why you’re being so rude, the whole world of babies is entirely new to me and I am in awe of people who have children and study and work etc on such little sleep. I don’t think it’s wrong to be, I think more people should be in awe of that, it’s amazing.

You have to have childcare in place. You can't realistically be working with a child at home and trying to squeeze things in between naptimes.

We do a bit of sorting the house in the mornings before everyone is off to nursery/school/work and in later afternoon when we all get home. We both work all day. Then dinner/bath/bedtime. When I used to work longer hours (6am-7/8pm a few days a week), dh would have an easy to cook dinner that didn't involve like an hour of prep to cook from scratch. Then we work in the evenings from 8-10pm after kids are in bed. Usually do another bit of tidying/hang up washing/etc. just before we go up to bed at 10.

I did actually do a PhD when my first one was small. Again it was plenty of childcare, so I wasn't balancing a toddler and work at the same time. And coffee.

At 9 months though, yours is still little and you may find that it takes you awhile to adjust to coping with less sleep. You do get used to it. With both of mine, I was up and out to work at 5:30am from 11 ish months, even if I was up with them multiple times (dh was too, though 2nd was bf so not much he could do). They also do start to sleep better in time but it's closer to 2-3 for most.

Also, if you don't have to work in the evenings (in my industry, I do, we don't do just 40 hour weeks), I'd just go to bed as soon as baby does if you are there on your own. There's only so much mess a baby and a grown up can make and sleep is important.

I worked full time whilst doing a fulltime degree (degree was 30% work based and my job let me consolidate hours as uni was one day a week).

I was a sp, but i had a lot of family support. My dm and dnan looked after my dc 3 evenings a week and I did assignments whilst dc were at their clubs and on weekends. It was hard, but I find it harder only working full time and now with a husband.

A mix of family child care, lots of paid child care, and studying when DC were asleep.
Also, having a supportive husband helps enormously - he earns more than I do but still takes on his half of the "mental load"/taking days off when DC are sick.

I work part time with 2 children, one who is just turned a year old

We have some help from parents and otherwise I manage by being not 100% focused on anything

I feel guilty that work isn’t my top priority as i was always so ambitious and pushed to do my best. I still have that mindset but not the time or energy to do so.

I feel guilty that I don’t spend enough time with the eldest child who has had a year which has changed their life massively with a new sibling, new school, and in and out of hospital with a chronic illness they will most likely have to live with

I feel guilty that I don’t spend enough time or effort with my DH.
I was pregnant after only 10 months of us getting together so I feel like we are still in the new relationship phase but without the time or energy to put into it.
I genuinely want to rip his clothes off every time he comes home but by the time kids are in bed and we have had some dinner we are both exhausted

I feel guilty that I don’t see more of my parents or siblings. They have all had tough year for different reasons. I want to see them more. But I rarely get the time

I feel guilty that I don’t spend enough time with friends, that I don’t message back quickly enough, that I don’t put enough effort into organising things. But any spare time I get has to be balanced out between DH, parents, siblings and friends.

I also feel guilty that this is just the people I am close to, and that DH feels just the same as me but with his family and friends but he never complains and I’ve realised that he prioritises my free time over his to allow me to see more of my friends

I also feel guilty that I put so much effort into my first born with lovely fresh food when weaning and that new baby just got fed pouches or siblings leftovers because of lack of time.

Lastly I feel guilty that I don’t have any room to prioritise me at the end of all that so i trim my own hair when it gets to the point it’s desperate for it to save time on booking appointments to hairdressers, the same goes with clothes. I’m still wearing the same clothes I bought 4 years ago before first child was born as no real time to do shopping.
I’ve attempted it on my days off but with two young children it never works out.

I started to exercise for myself back in January whilst I was still on maternity leave and loved it. I’d make sure I went for a run or did a HIIT workout 3-4 times a week.
Now I’m back working in lucky if I get to do that twice.

Housework and general jobs just get rushed through in bits. Mostly by DH.

Sorry for crazy long reply

My best friend is a SAHM and is so organised, has everything timetabled and is so stressed. Me, on the other hand, a full time working mum who just fitted everything in. The saying “ if you want something done give it to someone who is busy” is so true. You get things done in any available pocket of time.
I am now very part time and no longer run a business, also DS is in late teens so can pretty much look after himself. I have never got less done.
Childcare is your answer, you then have no excuse to procrastinate. You are paying for the free time so you use it efficiently. When DS was a baby I worked 2.5 days a week but DS was in nursery for 3 full days. My half day free was for shopping and sorting out jobs that were difficult with DS around, or catching up on paperwork. If I needed more time for paperwork I would go into work at the weekends and DH would look after DS. Out of work hours I was a full time mum.