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How to handle colleague?

17 replies

thinkingaboutitall · 07/07/2021 16:59

I started a job 2 months ago with one other colleague. I’m 23/female and he’s 35/male.

At first he started off as being sociable and friendly - we would say hello to each other, bye, spend breaks together etc. It was all relatively friendly, then something happened.

I have no idea what, but he completely ignores me now. I can’t say that I care, but he makes such a massive atmosphere at work and it’s very tense. I feel excluded at times as he will start a group conversation with literally every other colleague around is and purposely leave me out. Or he’ll walk over to my desk and chat to the person sat opposite me as if I’m invisible. Or he’ll leave and pointedly say goodbye to everyone but me.

How would you navigate this? I think he’s a bit weird so I don’t want to be the best of friends with him, but I don’t want to not come across as a team player at work either. Him purposely leaving me out whilst being sociable with others makes it seem like I’m the antisocial one.

OP posts:
thinkingaboutitall · 07/07/2021 17:01

Sorry I forgot to add, I say morning etc to him but he ignores me or pulls a face! Like I said, weird guy

OP posts:
LtDansleg · 07/07/2021 17:01

Do you feel confident enough to ask him ‘have I done anything to upset you’? Can you ask people if he’s said anything about you? Other people must have noticed.

thinkingaboutitall · 07/07/2021 17:10

Other people have noticed we don’t talk any more! He’s well liked at work so I’m worried that others might take his “side” and I’ll be an outsider if I draw further attention to it. I’ve just been ignoring the tension and still involving him like nothing has changed!

I haven’t done anything to upset him - we were okay one day, then don’t talk the next. I think he fancies me. He would always comment on my looks/outfits/hair and a lot of his conversations revolved around how awful his ex is, how he’s single (hint hint) and dating in general. Even now, he doesn’t talk to me but he certainly always watches me.

OP posts:
Bionicname · 07/07/2021 17:12

Talk to your line manager. Don’t try to resolve this yourself.

thinkingaboutitall · 07/07/2021 17:21

You really think so? It’s hard to substantiate this I guess, I wonder if my manager may think I’m making a big deal over nothing

OP posts:
PearlNextDoor · 07/07/2021 17:23

Id shine a light on it op.

5128gap · 07/07/2021 17:31

I think you need to ask him. Its possible there's been some misunderstanding where he thinks you've done or said something you haven't. Or someone has told him you don't like him talking to you. Who knows? But it's odd and unusual behaviour without any cause. If this doesn't help then speak to your manager, but I definitely wouldn't do that as the first thing. Involving managers tends to escalate things that can sometimes be resolved with less fuss.

PearlNextDoor · 07/07/2021 17:32

If you feel that he's creating an atmosphere that makes it difficult for you to join in, then I would ''shine a light on it'' as they say.

You: Bernard I feel like you're creating a bit of an atmosphere. Is that your intention?''

Chances are he's going to say ''no, no, not my intention!'' and if he does say that you must take him at his word and say ''Im so glad''.

It sounds like a nothing exchange but it puts a potential bully on notice that you might not be as easy to push around and manipulate as they had thought.

If he says something like ''yeh, I can't be arsed saying good morning and good afternoon and you're far too cheerful for the morning''

You could say, ''that's been noted Bernard, I'll meet you half way. I won't single you out for any pleasantries if you could attempt to disguise how you feel about me.''

If he says something churlish like 'do what you like''

Just say ''glad I can count on you to juuuust be professional and civil'

I had an experience at work. A woman cast me in the role of her enemy and I let it slide for months and months until I realised she was love bombing all around us and treating me like a ghost and I was given a strange look if I tried to join in the conversations.

She'd made it a thing that I wasn't included. If I spoke at all she'd say ''oh, could you hear?'' in a shocked voice. Or she'd react to everything I said like it was too risky or inappropriate or too boring or not interesting enough or that I didn't know and hadn't fact checked.

She certainly didn't hold anybody else's contribution to the conversation to such a high account, and all she ever did was simper.

A vacuous article who needed a lot of validation, and yet she did successfully exclude me. So be careful and nip it in the bud.

ChikiTIKI · 07/07/2021 17:51

I would probably mention it to my manager and surely they will notice if they hadn't already, and ask him what his problem is. I wouldn't ask directly. Mention the watching too...

Tiramiwho · 07/07/2021 18:18

It all sounds very schooldaysHmm Boy realises he fancies you, then deals with it by completely ignoring you, sending you to Coventry etc. Is he six?🙄
I would definitely take him to one side and ask him outright. Keep it smiley and breezy maybe? However he responds you will have the measure of him and can take it further with your employer.
He sounds completely infantile to be honest, but needs to stop it for sureFlowers

TSSDNCOP · 07/07/2021 18:19

Seek you managers guidance. That's my code for telling a manager what I intend to do and am going in with the intention of a positive outcome.

You: manager, I've noticed that Roger seems to have taken issue with me, I'm at a loss to know why. I am thinking it would be the professional thing to do to privately ask him if he would like to discuss this. What is your advice?

That way you look professional, measured and reasonable and if Roger kicks off he looks like a dick and your manager's already aware that you were attempting to make good.

FrenchieFromGrease · 07/07/2021 18:59

Don't try to confront him yourself. Speak to your manager about it first of all. Ask for a meeting with you, Knobhead and the manager to sort out what the issue is. (Spoiler alert: the issue is that he's a wanker, but you have to go through the motions of being reasonable). Hopefully once you've brought your manager's attention to it they will keep an eye out and stamp on any more strange behaviour.

I had very similar, even down to the aggressive ignoring. If I had my time again I would smack him down right at the beginning instead of letting it become an entrenched behaviour. My weirdo still ignores me 4 years later. Confused Thankfully I've moved roles so barely see him these days but really, 4 years. Who could be arsed?

Sleepingdogs12 · 07/07/2021 19:00

I would just get on with your work and be friendly to those who are nice to spend time with. You've said he is odd, you don't really want to be too friendly and you think he fancies you and now he is being childish for no apparent reason. I wouldn't complicate things by trying to work it out or resolve it. There is always one or more people at work who are a bit complex or you have to work around, just let him get on with it .

newnortherner111 · 07/07/2021 19:06

Deliberately excluding people can be a form of harassment or bullying, and so speak with your manager.

If he is reacting to your having better taste in men than him, that is very childish.

YesToThis · 07/07/2021 19:22

I had this. It was really bizarre. I did know what triggered it - she was senior to me and ran into me one night when she was drink and was unusually friendly. I just made normal friendly conversation and didn't mention the encounter to anyone, but from that day on she ignored me. Made more awkward by the fact we had the same commute and (mercifully unobservant) work friends in common.

She left a few years later, so that fixed that, but these days I ask people if I've offended them at the first hint of this kind of behaviour, and that's never done any harm.

I really didn't get the mentality so maybe am not the best person to answer the OP though - I was more amazed than upset Hmm Quite liked her and she was perfectly respectable drunk so no idea what bothered her so much.

If his behaviour could damage you professionally I'd put a gentle question in an email so you'll have a record, then go to line manager if that doesn't help. Up to him then to spit out whether there's a problem and to change his approach.

Sleeplessem · 07/07/2021 19:27

What sort of work environment do you have? Reason I ask is, I’ve worked in a bully boy environment where this type of behaviour and worse was very common and in that scenario discussing with a line manager would likely resolve very little as typically they are aware of this sort of mentality and chose to do nothing about it. You could chat to the colleague and ask, but I doubt you’d get a sincere reply and anything would change

However if you work in say a big company where you have a strong emphasis on values and behaviours (ie going the extra mile, helping your colleague) then I’d raise it, gently to your manager. Say you’ve noticed an issue with so and so and you’d like to try and resolve it by asking if you’d done anything to upset them and maybe ask if everything is ok with said colleague. The reason I’d say highlight it to manager is that this individual doesn’t sound particularly nice and he might be the kind to turn around and try and land you in it with your manager, so if you highlight the issue and say you’d like to resolve it you are putting it on your managers radar before he gets the chance too.

EarringsandLipstick · 07/07/2021 19:57

@PearlNextDoor

If you feel that he's creating an atmosphere that makes it difficult for you to join in, then I would ''shine a light on it'' as they say.

You: Bernard I feel like you're creating a bit of an atmosphere. Is that your intention?''

Chances are he's going to say ''no, no, not my intention!'' and if he does say that you must take him at his word and say ''Im so glad''.

It sounds like a nothing exchange but it puts a potential bully on notice that you might not be as easy to push around and manipulate as they had thought.

If he says something like ''yeh, I can't be arsed saying good morning and good afternoon and you're far too cheerful for the morning''

You could say, ''that's been noted Bernard, I'll meet you half way. I won't single you out for any pleasantries if you could attempt to disguise how you feel about me.''

If he says something churlish like 'do what you like''

Just say ''glad I can count on you to juuuust be professional and civil'

I had an experience at work. A woman cast me in the role of her enemy and I let it slide for months and months until I realised she was love bombing all around us and treating me like a ghost and I was given a strange look if I tried to join in the conversations.

She'd made it a thing that I wasn't included. If I spoke at all she'd say ''oh, could you hear?'' in a shocked voice. Or she'd react to everything I said like it was too risky or inappropriate or too boring or not interesting enough or that I didn't know and hadn't fact checked.

She certainly didn't hold anybody else's contribution to the conversation to such a high account, and all she ever did was simper.

A vacuous article who needed a lot of validation, and yet she did successfully exclude me. So be careful and nip it in the bud.

What an excellent post, really good advice (I'll be remembering it for future situations I find myself in!)
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