To forgive or forget?

[Imicola]

Inspired by the thread on things people have done that changed your opinion of them...i wonder how normal it is to not be able to forgive or forget when someone has slighted you. Can you forgive easily, or do you hold resentment? Any tricks for letting go?

Ive thought quite a lot about this as DHs sister did something earlier this year which really upset me. She did apologise, but I can no longer pretend to like her. Should I forgive and move on? Should I try and forget it happened? Or is my issue that I never really liked her and this is just an excuse to continue not liking her?

Sorry, slightly random thread, I'm just wondering if it is unusual to hold on to these things and not forgive?

I am the type that forgives and forgets easily, a few times. Nobody is perfect and life is short. But if there is a pattern, then no, I just go cold and that’s it. Done with that person forever

My mother really holds on to all the sights. It has made her a very unhappy person in the long term. She divorced my dad over 20 years ago but still hasn’t forgiven him.

It really depends what it is.
Some things I forgive but some things it's just not within me.
I don't think anyone can forgive anything no matter what it was.

Depends what it is.
Everyone makes mistakes and says things they regret. So I can forgive those. But I probably won’t forget in case it keeps happening then I cut them dead.

I totally agree with you. My ex husband’s excuse for his final affair was that I didn’t really forgive him for his previous affairs. You get to a point we’re your use by date has been reached.

I hold a grudge. Badly. My dm was a shocking example to me of all relationships.. She binned friends faster than an empty packet...

I often don't realise when people are making a jibe and I don't care if a friend is on poor form. I'm quite sunny and oblivious. But if someone really wrongs me I don't forget or forgive.

I don’t forgive or forget either.

As far as I’m concerned if a person behaves badly towards me, they’re showing me who they are and I’m under no obligation to hang around being their target.

That said I don’t remain angry or upset, the person means nothing to me and I tend to give them a wide berth.

Forgiveness is over rated.

I don’t easily forgive and I don’t forget. If someone keeps treating me badly and hurting me it’s not worth continuing to forgive them. A one off event for which they are truly sorry is another matter.

“ My ex husband’s excuse for his final affair was that I didn’t really forgive him for his previous affairs. ”

What an absolute raging moron! If it wasn’t so horrendous it’d be hilarious. I hope you have successfully erased him from your life and are a happier person for it.

I’m terrible from bearing grudges and have a low threshold for cutting people off (friends, not family). It’s not a good thing really but it’s the way I am.

I never forgive or forget. It's not deliberate, as it only hurts me really to hang on to the negative feelings, but I just can't. The best I hope for is that it dulls over time and if its someone who stays in my life, that the good stuff balances it out. That said, I'm very easy going and tolerant, so it takes a fair bit to upset me in the first place.

It just totally depends. If it was a mistake and somebody apologised I would forgive. If it was a repeated pattern/was really upsetting me I would just end the relationship and not see the person. I don’t forget though, even if I forgive. Good and bad experiences with people help you build a full and rounded picture of that person and see them as they really are.

You can't forget. Forgiveness is a very personal thing. Being kind is healthier, but some things are impossible to fathom or unretractable. You can never get certain things back.

I tend to forgive the first time someone let's me down but the second time no. I keep it to myself but the hurt is always there and I never quite trust them again.

If you asked them they would probably say they don't know why but I just gradually distance myself from them. I see threads on here all the time about people being cross when friends drop or ghost them and I often wonder is there more to the story ?

I don't share my life with people who deliberately hurt me, so forgiving and forgetting just isn't going to happen. As for your SIL, good riddance. You'll be happier without her in your life.

I am still waiting for someone to give me a definition of what forgiveness actually is, that doesn't involve a religious element.

So I reason that if it is too complex or complicated for any therapist, let alone lay person, to explain, it is unlikely to be something I can get my head around.

And I definitely don't forget. I use these are good life lessons that people can be very shitty, and are best kept at arms length in the future unless there were seriously mitigating circumstances around their behaviour.

Like others, I am fairly easy going, so it's rare for something to really get under my skin. I think although it's the first time she's stepped over the line, the event itself wasn't the deal breaker, but something she said during her outburst made me reflect on the previous year and realise what's she's like more generally. Which is inherently selfish but with a constant narrative of her being selfless and helping others... which had also made me realise why I've never really liked her. It was such a ridiculous event DH can't understand why i can't forgive, but i think the issue is probably broader than that! Anyway, i am glad im not alone in not being able to forgive. In the grand scheme of things it wasn't the worst thing that she did, but there you go.

Interesting about the definition of forgiveness. To me it's an emotion that you just know you're feeling, or not. I think its when you no longer feel any anger, bitterness or resentment towards the other person, although you may still feel upset.

I think im also quite fortunate that not many people end up in the situation where i might need to try and forgive them! I don't have a huge number of friends, so perhaps that is why.

I never forgive. I do though forget. People are cut from my life and I move on.

I don’t harbour any grudges I just don’t think about that person again.
So when people say if you don’t forgive it will eat you up I don’t understand why it would.

On the definition i agree it's about how you feel about the event or person, and I think bitterness, or lack of, sums it up quite well.

I forgive, feels horrible holding on to things. Plus I fuck up too, and appreciate those who can forgive me! Not saying that I wouldn't have a go at someone who had done something that upset me though.

I think the fact that your SiL apologised is relevant. We probably all do or say things in the moment that we later regret, I know I do. I don't expect to be forgiven because I apologise, but it makes me feel better. Conversely, by forgiving someone when they have wronged me it loosens the hold of that wrong & it is easier to forget about it & move on, I find.

For me it depends on the situation and the person. If it's a one off and something not too severe then of course, draw a line under it.
There are people who are repeat offenders when it comes to abusing trust. I don't have a short memory with that type of thing. I can still forgive but I wouldn't forget. 'Fool me once, shame on you' idea. There needs to be a tolerance for not being walked all over.

I can forgive but this is a choice for me not to feel bitter or angry. I never forget and never trust that person again, I live by the adage: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

I feel like I’ve rarely had this but the one situation where I do is similar to you in that I’d forgiven the person for lots of little things that effected me but then she did something that upset and effected someone close to me and it made me reflect that I’d had a relationship with her out of obligation and she showed no remorse so I haven’t really moved on.