Is it PND if it’s not related to the new baby?

[FeelingSadMumOf2]

Please don’t flame me for this, I’m struggling enough as it is

I have a 2yo DS and a new baby DD, 3 weeks old. I’ve been increasingly struggling mentally, feeling really low, crying a lot and losing my temper constantly.

But my feelings are related to my DS, not the new baby. I can’t cope with him at all and I feel myself getting so angry with him all of the time. His behaviour is getting worse, he screams, shouts, clambers all over me (I had a c section so this in particular makes me really angry) and does absolutely nothing he is told. He is also aggressive sometimes with his baby sister which really upsets me. Rationally, I know this is normal toddler behaviour but I feel completely unable to cope with it. I feel like an awful, shouty mum and he deserves better than me.

Everything written around PND focuses on feelings towards the new baby, but DD is a dream. She is so good and I feel really bonded to her, there is no issue there at all.

When I was pregnant I was worried that having another baby would affect my bond with DS, but everyone said this worry was normal and our bond wouldn’t be affected at all. I feel like I was lied to. I would never ever regret having my lovely DD but in a way I regret having another as I feel it’s destroying my bond with my eldest. I feel so sad about this when I think about the lovely bond we used to have and I’m scared he will end up hating me.

Is it possible to have PND but your feelings not be focussed towards the new baby? Has anyone else had these feelings and gotten through it?

Thank you

Does it focus around the baby?

There's way way more factors that add towards the risk of PND than the baby themselves.
Relationship issues, financial issues, housing issues or issues with children, behaviour and coping alone with it.

Have you got much support around you? Family or friends that can help?

Is your partner back at work?

So sorry you're finding things tough. I think it's definitely possible to have pnd on this way. You're struggling and although you feel like it's not your baby causing you to feel depressed and overwhelmed, it is the hormones and changes to you life brought about by the new baby.
I remember feeling that my older child was difficult and (sorry to say) irritating when I had my newborn (many years ago mow). I felt awful as, like you, we had had an amazing bond previously. Glad to say that it all went back to normal after the newborn stage was over. It's a confusing and emotional time.

Post natal depression just means depression that occurs after having a baby.

It doesn't mean "about" the baby, it means "after" (although indirectly your feelings are). The examples you cite are just that, examples of the experiences some have.

It has only been 3 weeks, nothing has been "destroyed" , you're all - including your son - adjusting to a huge change right now.

Beating yourself up won't help with that process.

I had pnd and it wasn't anything to do with my ds, in terms of what I was unhappy about. Is anyone helping you in rl, could you spend any time alone with your older child to reconnect for example? Or send him to nursery to give you a break from having them both?

Also, it is perfectly possible to feel infuriated with someone and still love them at the same time. It's doesn't mean you've lost love for them.

There was a similar post about this the other day (I’m sorry I don’t have the link) but it’s definitely a thing. You’ve just had major abdominal surgery, it’s sore, your tired, you have a baby and have a two year to contend with- must be difficult to say the least.

In the meantime could you pop DS in nursery/to family a couple of days a week just to give you a break? Doesn’t have to be whole days, just a few hours in the morning or afternoon.
Speak to your G.P if you feel it’s PND and they’ll be able to help.
It will pass I promise.

Thank you all for the kind words.

The thing that makes me feel so pathetic is that I have loads of support. DH is back at work but when he’s here he’s great, I have family help with childcare and DS still goes to nursery a few days a week. There’s only a couple of days a week I’m alone with them both, plus a few hours every evening as DH works late. I am very lucky and I have it much better than a lot of other mums, and I’m really grateful.

I don’t know if his behaviour has gotten worse, or I’m just not coping with it as well due to being so tired and hormonal. Every day I think today will be better, I’ll be more patient, and it lasts about 20mins until I’m losing my shit and acting like Miss Trunchbull