Parentification (TW)

[absolutelystunned345]

Counsellor has just told me she suspects this is what’s been happening to me all my life; I’m 30 .

She said it’s some sort of boundary violation and sometimes also called emotional incest .

I’m completely thrown, I’ve heard of the incest term before but don’t know what to think .

I was/am my mums carer from very, very young and helped her deal with fallout from her own childhood abuse and rape . Got told very graphic details that I didn’t want to or need to know . I was caretaker for years; then in early twenties I spiralled into agoraphobia, addiction to prescribed drugs, etc. Ended up suicidal and in a hell of a mess and getting therapy for that now.

She’s right, I suspect, everything she said added up 100% but she said it’s a form of abuse, it’s caused me difficulties in teenage and adult life and led to many of the mental health difficulties I have now .

She said three times I’ve done nothing wrong, there’s nothing inherently wrong with me as a person, it’s not a sexual thing or anything like that . Has sent me an article on it which uses the word abuse right through .

I don’t know what to think . Am sitting in the living room opposite my mum and just want to cry and cry . I need a hug, or some space to talk to someone who isn’t either mum or therapist, I don’t know what to do .

So, so much I’ve questioned for years makes absolute sense all of a sudden but I don’t know where to go with it - write it down for next week?

That sounds so tough.

Do you have friends? Other support?

This was my life. I feel bad that my mum died 3 years ago and I wasn't as close to her as I could have been but I had to put boundaries in place for the last 10 years as I couldn't cope anymore.

I was a parentified child, spent a lot of years in therapy trying to figure out what had gone wrong in my childhood. I was thrust into situations far beyond my comprehension for my age , left to make decisions and handle situations alone and was never given the emotional support or affection a child needs. It's very hard the first Time someone points out you were neglected and abused because you almost normalise and rationalise everything that happened just to try and cope with it.

Just to add that both my parents were brought up as victims of this and both handled it differently. My Dad like me ensure that our children are brought up in an age appropriate way. My mother who had also been a victim of sexual abuse dumped too much emotional stuff on me which I couldn't cope with.

@romdowa

I was a parentified child, spent a lot of years in therapy trying to figure out what had gone wrong in my childhood. I was thrust into situations far beyond my comprehension for my age , left to make decisions and handle situations alone and was never given the emotional support or affection a child needs. It's very hard the first Time someone points out you were neglected and abused because you almost normalise and rationalise everything that happened just to try and cope with it.

I think that’s the way I feel; I could feel my breathing getting harder listening and disassociating a bit . My GP said something years ago but she didn’t know the word it was called she said, just that it was like being forced to be ‘mum’ . Felt like the wind was knocked out of me coming off the phone .

That’s what frightens me more than anything; trying to reestablish boundaries . Counsellor said she has every faith in me that this is something I can do, but I don’t know .

I had to do so much so quickly that just isn’t appropriate; my mum said once when she was unwell (mentally) when I was a toddler I’d pat her and say ‘poor mummy’ . The thought makes me feel ill, because I must have been frightened; my mum thinks it’s a lovely memory, I find it it very hard to cope with .

Counsellor asked me if there were other ways I could relate and there are but I don’t know how to talk about them; part of me thinks if I write them down she might be OK with that .

I do have friends yes, one I could talk to reasonably that I’m supposed to be seeing later this week unless she has to cancel, I don’t have anyone else I could really talk to . My GP is ringing in two weeks and have therapy again in a week thankfully, but it’s so bloody hard to shut it down coming off the phone and try to get back to ‘normal’.

My husband had this and all his sibs needed counselling to come to to terms with it. For them they were caring for their disabled brother and a hypochondriac mother. His dad was the living dead inasmuch as he just let the kids deal with it whilst he hid away in the study.

Along with caring and having ridiculous age inappropriate responsibilities they also were there the manage her moods and be her therapist - she overshared things that children should never need to hear and expected them to be a 'fix'.

Once they all grew up and wanted to leave home she clung to them for dear life..very painful to watch and hard for those who married into the family as it was very confusing. She's 90 now and still holds the fantasy that at least one of her children will return to live with her.

Yes..counsellor said 'emotional incest'. Makes DH shudder but that's exactly what it is.

Sorry you have been through this I understand and can only advise you work on rock solid boundaries which don't always come naturally when you haven't been given them in childhood. A good counsellor should be able to help with this xxx

@whatnow47

My husband had this and all his sibs needed counselling to come to to terms with it. For them they were caring for their disabled brother and a hypochondriac mother. His dad was the living dead inasmuch as he just let the kids deal with it whilst he hid away in the study.

Along with caring and having ridiculous age inappropriate responsibilities they also were there the manage her moods and be her therapist - she overshared things that children should never need to hear and expected them to be a 'fix'.

Once they all grew up and wanted to leave home she clung to them for dear life..very painful to watch and hard for those who married into the family as it was very confusing. She's 90 now and still holds the fantasy that at least one of her children will return to live with her.

Yes..counsellor said 'emotional incest'. Makes DH shudder but that's exactly what it is.

Sorry you have been through this I understand and can only advise you work on rock solid boundaries which don't always come naturally when you haven't been given them in childhood. A good counsellor should be able to help with this xxx

Thank you . She is a good counsellor, I think/hope . I’m sorry others have experienced this too, it’s difficult thinking about it . I don’t think I’ll ever use the term emotional incest with others just in case they don’t get it .

I’m still living at home with mum, it’s very hard to break away because I know I’ll feel guilty or like I’ve done something wrong .

I never knew what to do with the things I was being told; things that are more appropriately shared with a mental health professional or something; in the same way they play on my mums mind they do me too - and I’ve spent so , so many nights wondering how I can fix it and make her happy to have the sickening realisation that I never could .

Today, do nothing. Take time to recover from the shock and difficult emotions it has brought up. Writing it down sounds a good idea. GP and counsellor will help you through processing and planning.