Not sure how to feel about DMs new partner

[Bobbots]

I’m in my 30s and DM is in her 70s. My DF died 18 months ago after a short illness, it was a big shock to us all and we only knew he was unwell for a few weeks before he died. He was married to DM for over 40 years.

DM has told me she has a new partner. On the one hand I want to be happy for her and pleased that she has found someone. But I am also upset for my dad and feel like I am not being loyal to him. He adored my mum and it feels like she has moved on so quickly after him. I don’t want her to be unhappy but she is acting like a teenage girl with her new partner and is excitedly telling me all the fun things they are getting up to together and I just feel so protective over my DF. Has anyone else felt like this and have advice on how to deal with it? I’m thinking of asking her not to chat about him too much because it makes me feel awkward but I don’t want to make an issue out of things.

Just start thinking of her feelings rather than your own. Good luck to her, enjoying her twilight years and having fun instead of being lonely and depressed. Life is short and she needs to make the most of it. She tells you about it because she's excited and happy.

You have my sympathy as this same thing happened to my df when he was widowed and my dmil when she was widowed - the whole acting like a teenager thing is really hard to take. My df didn't get very far fortunately as his lady friend was quite happy being single so they just went for meals, walks, the occasional holiday, etc, and that was fine, thought the initial part when they first met was very hard to take and he was so excited. My dm had been ill and needed care for many years, so I forgave him as he deserved to feel free and do what he wanted. It really grated on me I have to say. In MiL's case, they had a whirlwind romance and started living together than got married, giddy as anything on how thrilled they were. His family were poisonous and very suspicious of our family and my dh ended up being cut out of the will, when his mother died first. Anyway, we tried to keep out of it all at the time because they cared for each other and tootled along very well and MiL was the happiest my dh had ever seen her. That was also infuriating! So you have my sympathy. I tried to think that my dm would have laughed at the situation. It was made worse by the fact that she had known this woman and never really liked her, which was very unusual for my dm.

The 18 months that have passed will seem like much longer to her than to you, I think. She has gone through the whole grieving process and is now feeling better than she has for a while - it's a roller coaster and there are extremes of emotion going on for her. I'd continue to show an interest in what she is doing, but try not to think about it in relation to your df.

Some people just do better in relationships. Try not to see it as an insult to your dad. Your DM is probably just happier sharing her life with someone special rather than being single.

Just to say, it’s completely natural to feel this way op. Whilst she is entitled to her happiness and should go for it, I think a lot of (grown up) children would have to swallow a lot of their complex feelings to try and look happy about it.

Statistically widows and widowers move on quickly the happier they were in their marriage.

I know that doesn’t make it easier, but it says a positive thing about your parents relationship.

My Dad died just over a year ago, also a relatively quick illness. We loved him v much and are a close family. We'd all still be delighted if mum met someone new, and are keen for her to do so. It's not about her replacing Dad (that'll never happen) but more about her moving on with her life.
I know it must be hard, but I'd say please don't ask her not to talk about him as much etc. That'll make her feel bad and she's not really doing anything wrong. My mum is doing okay, but I know she can find evenings in lonely and doesn't enjoy having dinner alone etc or even watching tv and films she'd normally have done with my dad. It's been over lockdown so she's had less option to be out and about more.
It's lovely if your mum has someone to ease that a bit, someone her own age and not just family. It might well not last, but will be helping build her confidence

I think it is the excitement that is hard to take, my dad had a personality transplant and was obsessed. I was absolutely shocked and blindsided that he would contemplate having a new partner. I am not sure my siblings and I behaved very maturely really and it was short lived . It was all so upsetting and weird and he had absolutely no awareness of other people's feelings which I guess is fine but we were all grieving too. If it happens again we will be more prepared.

I don't think it was the meeting someone new, it was the giddiness and lack of awareness that was hard

My FIL was widowed after 58 years of marriage.
He found a new woman about a year after and they had 8 very happy years together.
My DH was a bit but came to really like his step mum and we still visit her 4 years after FIL death.
Be kind to your mum

Bob I feel for you, it is so difficult and eighteen months isn't very long but having someone with whom to go out and about, share a meal and a laugh etc, is good therapy. What I hope is that your mum isn't planning on setting up house with the man. It is certainly too soon for that but, to have a 'boyfriend', it is not too soon.

Is she being love-bombed? Does something not quite feel right?

I would feel cautious also - you see too many Watchdog-type programmes whereby wealthy (or non-wealthy) widows have been targeted and scammed.

Hard for you, great for her. And potentially she will be a lot less lonely.

Thank you all. @Standrewsschool yes this is partly what I’m a bit worried about, she has inherited my dads “estate” (not that it was ridiculously huge or anything but a decent sum of money) and she has already told me that her partner is not very financially secure so I am worried that he might take advantage of her. That is perhaps not very fair of me as I’ve never met him and he could have nothing but good intentions but I am concerned about how head over heels she seems.

Also another completely irrational feeling I have is about my new baby, she’s only a few months old and I’m really sad that my dad never got to meet her, he would have loved her so much. So now I feel like I don’t want mums new partner to meet her because it doesn’t feel fair that he would get to meet her but my DF never did. I know that is silly but it’s how I feel.

Maybe have a general conversation with her then, about how some elderly people are targeted for their money. Maybe warn her that if he starts asking for money, then to be wary, and to tell you straight away. Maybe acknowledge that you’re pleased she’s got companionship etc - you don’t her to turn against you, but just to be a bit cautious. You could even explain the concept of love-bombing (which you read about on mn...etc).

@JustLyra

Statistically widows and widowers move on quickly the happier they were in their marriage.

I know that doesn’t make it easier, but it says a positive thing about your parents relationship.

This is true. I think there's something nice in that.

My Mum finally met someone at 70. She'd been single for over 20 years by that point. We still had the teenage stuff, I mean my own mother made me blush.

Too quick? she’s in her 70s, she’s making the most of life, do you suggest she sits moping for years?

I actually think 18 months is a reasonable amount of time. I’ve heard of people moving on a lot quicker than that, it’s very common after a bereavement.

Although this is difficult, it’s better than her being lonely and depressed. It doesn’t diminish the memory of your dad, she loved and lived with him for 40 years and raised a family with him.