My wedding and unreliable friends

[Sweetchocolatecandy]

I’m getting married in later in the year but I’m really worried about people letting us down at the last minute. We tried to plan a small get together recently and one of them had to self-isolate (which is fair enough but she only ever seems to have to isolate whenever we plan anything), the other wasn’t feeling well so her partner didn’t come either and a few others just made their excuses because everyone else was dropping out.

I’ve noticed this a few times now about this particular group and I’m really worried that we’re going to pay for them to come to our wedding (and it’s quite a lot per head) for them just not to show up. And one in particular has a large family so if she doesn’t come the others won’t either and we just can’t afford to lose that much money.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? The last thing I want to do is send an abrupt message to them and pissing everyone off, or shall I just let it go and put it down to covid?

Don’t invite them

Flaky friends are more trouble then they're worth to be honest. I've phased a good few out of my life over the last few years.

How much notice do you need to give the venue regarding numbers?

See, my wedding was postponed because of covid so I invited them back in 2019 so I can’t really uninvite them now if you see what I mean, but it’s just causing so much stress. The venue are going to need DEFINITE numbers soon and the rest of our balance will need to be paid and I’m just so worried they are going to let us down. I want to send them a group message letting them know how I feel but I just don’t know how to word it without sounding like a bitch.

I agree with PP. Don't invite flaky friends. I've started to get rid of people like that and for my own wedding, anyone I think has the potential to be a dick will get an evening invite and be done with it.

And one in particular has a large family so if she doesn’t come the others won’t either and we just can’t afford to lose that much money.

Yes you can afford it, otherwise you wouldn’t have paid it. The money is spent whether they come or not. You aren’t losing extra money if they don’t come.

Tell flaky friends you’ve decided to have a smaller wedding because you’re so worried about people having to isolate at the last minute. Reduce numbers with venue now. With so much pinging going on it’s perfectly reasonable.

As for how to deal with them. Send a message to everyone you’ve invited and tell them that you’re sure they’ll all understand that due to the pandemic the ongoing situation you’ve had to reduce numbers attending the wedding and that you apologise to anyone who was expecting to come. Then just invite those that you know for sure will come.

Of course you can uninvite them, blame covid and a smaller, more intimate wedding. Even if it's not true! Flakey friends need to go!

It’s not money you’ve “lost” if you were going to pay it anyway? If money is the issue, then you need to amend guest list regardless of whether you think they’ll turn up. It feels stressful, because you’re focused on something you can’t control: what other people choose to do. If you don’t want to spend the money or take the risk of empty tables, uninvite, you can easily blame it on venue social distancing or something.

Don’t send a message. If they’ve RSVP’d yes, chasing further is basically saying I don’t trust you - which may be the case but then just don’t invite them, you can’t have it out.

FWIW, I’d recommend to leave as is and let myself be pleasantly surprised on the day. Treat the money as wedding budget that’s already spent, not something to be grasped back.

Hope you have a lovely wedding 💍💒👰‍♀️

you will never have a better opportunity to blame something out of your control as a reason to re-arrange your wedding. Contact the flaky group and say the venue has let you down and you're having to have smaller numbers so you'll be sticking to family sadly, asking for their understanding. Un-invite them

It’s a different thing flaking out on a get together verses flaking out on someone’s wedding. I think you could well be worrying too much about this.
As others have said, you won’t be losing more money. The venue won’t be pissed off that fewer people turned up on the day of someone didn’t come.

@oneglassandpuzzled

Tell flaky friends you’ve decided to have a smaller wedding because you’re so worried about people having to isolate at the last minute. Reduce numbers with venue now. With so much pinging going on it’s perfectly reasonable.

Absolutely this ^^ They can hardly object if they've played the self-isolation card on more than one occasion!

I thi k a wedding is different to a get together, u less that get together was another wedding.

As others have said - blame covid. Perfect! Just say that you've had to reduce numbers due to pandemic, I'm sure you'll understand, hope to celebrate with them when things have calmed down (and then just forget about that - you can be flakey too ).

I know people are saying blame covid and have a smaller wedding but my wedding is later in the year when things are expected to be more ‘normal’ so I can’t really use that as an excuse.

With regards to money perhaps I worded it wrong but the way I see it if people don’t attend then that’s money we could have used for the honeymoon or something in the house, either way I would see it as money wasted.

why do you even bother with them?
they are not your friends, they make no effort to see you.

absolutely do not invite them.
they are not worth another minute of your time

Agree with what most have said- uninvite them! I had 2 flaky friends (and their partners, so 4 guests in total) cancel a couple of days before my wedding using work and illness as an excuse. I still remember the last minute panic having to rearrange seating plans.
After that I just dropped them out of my life and haven't missed them. Life's too short!

It is your wedding. You can invite or u invite anyone you want apart from the groom. Tell flaky friends you are changing your wedding arrangements and reduce the numbers. Don't go into details. I bet they will be relieved. If they are flaky it is quite often due to inability to decline invitation straight away as they don't know how to do it without offending people.

@Sweetchocolatecandy

I know people are saying blame covid and have a smaller wedding but my wedding is later in the year when things are expected to be more ‘normal’ so I can’t really use that as an excuse.

With regards to money perhaps I worded it wrong but the way I see it if people don’t attend then that’s money we could have used for the honeymoon or something in the house, either way I would see it as money wasted.

Blame Covid financially instead, perhaps? Either from your POV or theirs (cost of attending if likely to be significant). I know most weddings I've attended have cost me at least a few hundred in terms of lost work/childcare/travel/hotels, before even considering gifts!

'Things have become difficult financially over the last couple of years due to the pandemic so we've decided/we need to take some of the pressure off by reducing numbers at our wedding. Hope you can understand and that we can get together more informally in the coming months.' Or something worded a bit better than that!

It doesn’t matter if your wedding is later in the year, who knows what will happen once everyone becomes ‘free’ on July 19th

Just say you have decided with everything going on that you are having a smaller wedding and leave it at that