How ill do you need to be to stop work?

[IllForTooLong]

First of all this is about me, not a judgement on anyone else (bar myself perhaps)

I have a chronic illness and have had it for years. At my worst, I basically needed a carer. I didn't have enough energy to cook for myself, clean the house, put the washing to dry etc... I did two things. Go to work for about 10~15 hours week ( over 3 days) and do the emotional labour involved in having two dcs. That's it. If Dh hadn't been aorund, I wouldn't have been able to look after myself, let alone my dcs.

I have slowly been getting better (Hourray!). I am looking back at how i was and I am wondering why on earth I didn't just stop and take the time to recover rather than trying to push through (and probably made myself more ill in the process).

It made me wonder, what could be a 'cut out' to actually throw the towel and say 'Now I stop'? At which point would you stop working?

Anyone?

I have a chronic pain condition and an anxiety disorder. i keep going until I run so fast into the brick wall it knocks me out so I'm probably not the best person to ask!

Sometimes when everything else feels like it is falling apart the routine of work helps steady us and give us a sense of normal and control.

you had a carer due to illness & lacked energy to clean house but still worked FT?

When I often couldn't breathe properly.

@yeOldeTrout

you had a carer due to illness & lacked energy to clean house but still worked FT?

My friend worked full-time and had a carer, until he died from his condition. It's not abnormal. OP said they worked 10-15 hours. But even if it was full-time, that's a thing.

Often it’s when someone can qualify for benefits

Sorry, I've had wine stops me reading well

ok, so would I have a carer for life basics (stopped only due to illness not ongoing disability). And still work.

Yes maybe I would, if work wasn't making me more exhausted & I enjoyed it.
But Sounds like OP is trying to say her work was both exhausting & not that rewarding.

Then again, maybe 10-15 hrs work was paying for the carer?

Depends on the job, the worker, their family circumstances and the benefits and costs of employment on the worker's health and life.

FWIW, I have managed disabled people who needed carers and who wanted to carry on working. Not everyone has fulfilling work and different people have different work and financial and family circumstances.

Good luck in your choice, OP, and I hope your health improves.

No sorry I wasn’t clear. DH was basically my carer as he took on everything in the house BECAUSE there was no way for me to do any of it.

But yay I still worked

I’m very much looking back at what I did.

There was a mix of not wanting to stop because I had a build my business and was scared to loose it all.
Being at work had a positive effect on me on a MH pov (but a negative one on a physical pov)
I had this crazy idea that me stopping meant I was just lazy
DH just didn’t believe I was that ill, even when I just couldn’t do anything (and despite many explanations).

I think I still have some very misplaced ideas on how far you are supposed to push yourself tbh.

The times I was too ill to work I just couldn't get out of bed, maybe answer simple emails. Is all.

I hope that you continue to improve.

I think for many people the reality is that they can't afford to not work. There are lots of people who may be too ill to work in their jobs but not ill enough to claim sick benefits.

When I suffered extreme burnout. Probably a breakdown, tbh, looking back.

Very stressful, high pressure job, severe anxiety, and a shitstorm in my personal life. I carried on for a good year but then had a close, unexpected death and it tipped me over the edge.

My brain shut off. I forgot how to make a cup of tea. I forgot how to cook. I couldn’t concentrate enough to even read an email and I forgot how to answer my phone. On my lunch hour I walked into a road without looking and a stranger pulled me away from an oncoming truck! It was like my brain just disappeared but stupidly I still tried to back to work after three days

I accepted defeat a few days later and I had three months off to recover… then I worked 4 days a week for years until about a year ago.

Now I just don’t push myself anymore. It’s not worth it.

I think most people stop when they are unable to do the work anymore - for me this looked like inability to focus or concentrate and a lot of crying together with high levels of anxiety and insomnia.

If you can afford to cut down or stop work before this point then I definitely would.

I think I carried on because dH was there to pick up a lot of the pieces.
At the time, I couldn’t go up the stairs I went down in the am and then didn’t go back up until it was time to go to bed. I couldn’t concentrate to read anything really. I spent a lot of hours just staring at the window because even watching a film was too much.

But somehow I refused to see myself as being ‘ill’, ill enough to deserve to stop and rest….
It’s fucked up isn’t it?

@Minfilia, I agree about it not being worth it.
If a friend had told me they were working in those circumstances, I would have told them to stop. I would have told them it’s nit worth it.

Interestingly enough, no one ever said that to me.
Not dh, not the HCP I saw. No one pointed out that to me. It’s only a counsellor I saw much later on that mentioned it was ok to do so….

When somebody else can manage all the bills themselves.

As such, I haven't had the luxury of being able to stop working fulltime; even when unable to work at all for three months, it was straight back to the grind and DP having to do everything else including helping wash and dress me each morning and evening, as I couldn't do anything but work.

I'm just cutting down to 4 days in a couple of months because the new post comes with a payrise that means I'll still be earning a bit more than the current position.

But if a spouse doesn't believe you, don't stop working at all. Because there's a good chance they'll fuck off into the sunset with somebody else and you'll need the income as they'll be all 'I'm not paying maintenance for you to sit around on your arse all day', whether it's because they don't believe you or they do but aren't interested in being a carer.

I never even thought about that @NeverDropYourMoonCup.

I don’t think I could think clearly enough to realise the importance of working in the context of DH not believing me….. But it’s a fair point (even though if dh had left me, there is no way I would have been able to carry in working, even if the dcs had been with him full time…..)

There's so much uncertainty around benefits that most carry on working until they literally have no choice. My breaking point was walking out of work and deciding I was going to step into the road and end it all.

The problem (one of the many problems) with incapacity benefits is that you don't know for thirteen weeks (often longer) if you qualify for longer term help. You can't give up a job knowing that you could be stripped of your entitlement after three months.

Plus, having seen a few people go through, the system is awful, anxiety producing and stressful.

One of the consequences of my exhaustion is the inability to withstand stress. I wouldnt have been able to cope with that (still wouldn’t now and I’m 100x better than I was).

It’s crap isn’t it?

It’s tricky because work can be so good for mental health, but if you’re ill so bad for physical health!

I have ME and am currently finishing my degree and job hunting. I’m looking for 3 days a week and desk based- some home working would be great too. I could try and push for full time but I know I would be too ill to do anything all weekend which wouldn’t be fair on my DD. Not working would be easier on me physically but I think it would knock my self esteem a lot and make me feel down. So that’s the balance I’m going for, but everyone is going to have such a different set of circumstances to weigh up I don’t think there’s any set answer.