I'm really bad at being happy

[Provincialhousewife]

Hello,

Not a very 'chatty' thread topic but I'm too scared of AIBU!

I'm in my mid thirties and this feels a bit pathetic - like maybe I'm stuck in teenage levels of self-centred insecurity. But basically I'm never happy, or even content really. I do have some good days and good moods, but I default to feeling shit about myself and my life, irritated with my partner, and just have this overall sense of being average as a person, at best. And my life reflects that. I'm an OK parent, definitely not an amazing parent. I'm fat and unfit. I'm ungroomed, although not unhygienic or anything. I've never been particularly stylish. I smoke. I've got wonky teeth. I'm bad at timekeeping. I forget to send thank you cards. My house is always messy, I can't seem to make friends as an adult, my social skills have withered away, and although I have school and uni friends, I feel like I don't have much to offer socially. I'm boring and embarrassed by myself.

The thing is that despite my average-at-bestness, I seem to have this massively Type A personality somewhere inside me, with very high standards who wants to do SO much more, and I think that's why I'm unhappy, because it's such a chasm between the ideal and the reality. I know nobody is perfect but I feel almost worthless really. I keep trying and have these flurries of huge effort and striving, and then I just get so tired and it complete evaporates, and I just go into slob mode.

Honestly I'm not sure if I can change, but if anyone recognises this and thinks it's fixable, I would love to know how.

What things (hobbies/achievements/events/successes/possessions/anything-at-all) have made you feel happy? In your entire life?

I think it’s absolutely fixable, but will involve a great deal of sustained effort, which is hard! And understandably sliding back to your default mode is an easy and comfortable.

What are your goals when you have these moments of motivation? Are you being too ambitious? Small and measurable goals are what you need so that you can celebrate achievements and help you see progress towards where you ultimately see yourself.

Hello!
I feel like this too most of the time. Not sure if it's fixable (but will definitely keep an eye out on this thread if anybody has suggestions).
Kind of just learnt to accept myself the way I am, yeh half the time I hate myself for various reasons, but then I think it can be worse! I haven't a single friend who isn't a family member or DH.
But I remind myself I have 2 amazing DSs and a husband who accepts the way I am (mostly) and a family who are supportive in their own way (even if they drive me nuts) that's good enough for me.
Sorry not much help, but know you aren't alone

In the past, I think one of the things that made me happy was a sense of possibilities and hopefulness which has largely gone now unfortunately. My close friends, the connection and fun of spending time with them used to make me happy, but I very rarely manage to see them these days. I've always enjoyed learning, I'm pretty academic, although I've lost a lot of sharpness I think. My son makes me happy, just being with him and breathing in his loveliness. And I do enjoy aspects of my job actually, but I'm not great at it in other ways, and can't claim it's a career really, so I tend to feel a bit bad about that.

I do set myself goals. I've been trying to get a professional diploma related to my degree for a while in my own time, but I actually managed to turn up a day late for the professional exams which I paid several hundred pounds for. It's just embarrassing. I've joined slimming world and lost a stone and a half so far but I'm very hit and miss with it as I'm a massive comfort eater.

What were your parents like with you OP?

I ask because mine were very pushy. Never happy with what I did, very critical, always made me feel like I could do better.

And I bought into it for a long time. I was very insecure, always trying to lose weight, look different, be perfect and happy. Then I suddenly thought all this striving to be perfect never made me happy and I started accepting my lot. Also around the time of having therapy about my crap relationship with my parents.

I think I might have some kind of non-neurotypical brain, not diagnosed but I tick a lot of boxes for the 'inattentive' ADHD type. And I'm always tired, always. I give in to it far too much and obviously it doesn't help towards my goals!

I know this might seem a bit random but have you ever thought you might have ADHD?

I was diagnosed late in life and a lot of what you say resonates, especially never really being happy and your example of turning up a day late for your course. That would be very me.

If you have ADHD your brain is not very good at producing or regulating dopamine and you will have problems with executive function (amongst other things).

Cross post OP!!

My parents were strict, and my childhood wasn't overly happy, but I actually have a really good relationship with them these days and I really value that. I have had some therapy, but I don't feel the need for it now as I think I've got a pretty good understanding of myself and my past - I just struggle with the liking who I am bit. I did go to a very high achieving private school and that was a struggle because I was anxious and hugely disorganised, but always good at exams, so I 'achieved' in that sense and went to a top university, did quite a tough degree. I managed to scrape through and get a 2:1 but at one point I was nearly asked to leave due to non-attendance at lectures, so it wasn't exactly a rosy picture.

@MostIneptThatEverStepped

Cross post OP!!

Haha! Yes, it has definitely occurred to me. It may be a big part of the problem, if it is that. I'm not convinced I'd be able to get a diagnosis but maybe I should try? Sorry, I sound so annoyingl defeatist.

I recognise so much of this. I’m still a work in progress but, yes, it’s definitely fixable (IME).
Step 1 for me was actively trying to be happy, actively choosing to notice and appreciate the small things. It becomes second nature after a couple of years if you manage to prompt yourself to do it multiple times a day.
Step 2 is redefining success. For me, with a failed career, this meant focusing on lives I’ve touched rather than achievements. I still have to remind myself to do this one!

@Provincialhousewife it might be looking into because it will help
you to firstly understand so much about yourself and secondly learn to forgive and accept yourself.

There is medication too which might help you plus more Facebook groups, books and podcasts than you could possibly imagine 😂

The screenshot I'm attaching is a book that is highly thought of and much quoted.

Small and measurable goals are what you need so that you can celebrate achievements and help you see progress towards where you ultimately see yourself.

I agree with this. I had the same problem with my house always being a huge mess, until I realised (at an embarrassingly late age ) that where I was going wrong was doing enormous marathon cleaning sessions every couple of months when it got unbearable, instead of keeping on top of it by doing a sustainable amount every day.

Honestly I would start there, because of all the problems you've listed this sounds the most straightforward to fix. Decide on a realistic amount of housework that you could do every single day, even when you're tired or have had a bad day. Even if that's only ten minutes, or five minutes, or three. Set a timer so you know when you've done it, and have some kind of visual indication of days where you succeed, e.g. crossing off days in a diary.

You might think "but ten minutes a day isn't going to get my house clean", but a) it's better than zero minutes, which if you're like me is what you're currently doing most days, b) you'd be surprised at how much you can get done in that time, and c) it's not about getting your house clean (yet), but proving to yourself that you're capable of setting and sticking to good habits. If you can do ten minutes a day consistently for a whole month, then you'll build up enough momentum to up it to 15 minutes a day the next month, or 10 minutes of cleaning plus 5 minutes of exercise, and so on.

This is my advice for if you actually want to work towards making the problems themselves better. The other option is, as others have said, to try and reframe things in your own mind so that you don't feel as much of a failure because of these somewhat arbitrary standards that you're setting for yourself. Tbh, that might be the healthier way to go about it - but for me at least it doesn't work. I have to feel like I'm at least making progress towards my goals, even if I know I'll always fall short of being the ridiculous perfect Type A I aspire to in my head!

Interesting that you mention inattentive ADHD - it was a thought I had when I read your initial post, but I wasn't going to mention it as there wasn't much to go on. I have wondered whether it's something I have as well (also suggested by others), but the method of setting tiny daily goals really has worked for me. Worth a try maybe?

Thank you, I'll have a look at that book. I'm just not feeling very optimistic at the moment that anything will really help. Although that is why I started this thread, so I should probably try!

I feel the same so you are definitely not alone OP

Thank you psychomath. That's really good advice. Sometimes when I'm in a complete funk I do that - set myself a goal that is really tiny and achievable. It does help. I just forget what helps and get lost in the weeds a lot of the time.

I understand how you feel. I have a low mood a lot of the time and like you I feel there are no more exciting possibilities left in my life. I loved it when my kids were little bit now they are grown up and I'm not getting that constant input of joy any more 😂
I was also the least successful academically and career wise out of my siblings, the most emotional one, the one that spent the most, did foolish things etc etc.
I have had various ups and downs over the years and when I'm stuck at the bottom it's hard to find a way out of it myself. I usually need someone else or just life to give me a kick up the arse and shake things up. I could do with it now to be honest!

You could start a thread asking for ADHD diagnosis help. There are a lot of people on here who can help. Reading a thread on here was what led to to my own diagnosis!!

A lot like me at various times of my life. Incidentally, some of the academically cleverest people I know are shackled by their disorganisation and procrastination, and in some cases it has been part of dyslexia/dyspraxia and in one case, aspergers. Not saying this is you (it isn't me either, I just have a limit to the number of balls I can juggle well at once and I prioritise accordingly). Lots of people find keeping a brief daily gratitude diary really helpful for reminding what there is to be happy about. There are zillions of apps.

I just forget what helps and get lost in the weeds a lot of the time.

I know exactly what you mean! When I first started really trying to turn things around, I had to make a wall chart where I could cross off the days I achieved my tiny goal, and stick it directly opposite where I normally sit so that I would see it constantly. I was fairly sure that if I didn't do that I would forget I'd even set myself the target in the first place, never mind get it done. Reminder apps were no good - I'd think "oh yeah, I'll do that in a sec", swipe away the notification and then within two minutes get distracted and forget.

That's why I think making goals into daily tasks is so helpful - it is for everyone, but especially if your brain is a bit chaotic, it's so easy to think "I really must do XYZ soon" and then unintentionally let weeks or months slip by before you get around to it. It's much easier to make it part of your routine, so that (for example) washing the dishes becomes something you do automatically as soon as you get in from work.

Have you any siblings or cousins? If you have a good one, it can be helpful to recalibrate one's sense of self by talking to someone with a similar upbringing, but different personality and life experiences. It's a useful sounding-board if you have a same-generation family member you trust, who trusts you.

Also, it's totally true most people feel more like the way you describe than you would guess from the outside. I bet you are lovely in fact.

I have diagnosed ADHD and I could have written your posts.

Did you read the thread the other day from the lady with ADHD looking for ideas for being more organised and dealing with the areas she struggles with? Could be a useful resource.

Romesh Ranganathan talks about planning change based on the bottom of the motivation curve, so it is achievable and sustainable. And not the top of the curve where you falter quickly. He advises similar five minute burst approach. Even to exercise.

If you get on top of your house. Cleaner? Even if you cannot afford weekly. What about fortnightly or monthly. Does DH and DC help? You will feel calmer and have some headspace. I encourage myself by listening to a podcast. Or three fave songs then im
Done:

Its great you had therapy. And great you understand yourself. Could cbt be next to help break patterns?

When overwhelmed i also tick off one piece of life admin a day. So by the end of the week the list is coming down. Also delegate!

Hi cauliflower, I didn't see that lady's thread - I don't suppose you have a link do you? I need to find really simple ways to keep myself organised. And definitely an approach that works when I'm tired and demotivated, that's such a good point.

Does anyone know much about the concept of 'learned helplessness'? I'm not sure how much this applies, but I wonder sometimes if my lack of ability to get myself started, and tendency to allow small difficulties to overwhelm me, is because I was helped so much as a child, and also allowed very little freedom. OTOH I may have cause and effect the wrong way round there, because there's no doubt that I always had my head in the clouds! But I get this feeling of wanting to take charge of myself and somehow I just can't, I'm stuck.

That’s an interesting idea about learned helplessness OP. I identify with your thread and definitely with that idea and I have wondered for a while if I have inattentive ADHD too. It feels like a spiral, things feel beyond you and then you don’t do them or don’t do them well and lose confidence and it’s hard to get out of it.