How did you come to terms about not being able to have another child?

[Rainin]

Hello,

I have a DD who is 3.5 yo. Desperately wanted another one but after 3 miscarriages and being 43 now, my options are very limited. Considering IVF through embryo donation (our best chance) but also slowly coming to terms with the fact thay DD may be our only one. I get very sad about it as I think DD would really enjoy a sibling.

At the same time I consider ourselves lucky to have DD as a number of friends who desperately wanted children don't have any due to infertility.

In a similar position. Took over 2 1/2 years to conceive DD due to fertility problems on both sides. Tried for a bit for a second but it didn’t happen, then health problems for both of us stopped us trying any more. Also unable to go for IVF due to the issues. It’s been tough. DH has handled it better than me. Surprise pregnancy announcements still knock me a bit, especially the Oh I’m accidentally pregnant with my third! Type announcements. But it’s getting easier as DD gets older. She’s 8 now. We’d all struggle to go back to the sleepless nights, nappies, having to baby proof the house! We have a sense of independence that we’d lose if we had another baby. I’m still not ready to get rid of the baby stuff (although I can sell her bigger clothes on).
If anyone asks, I said my head knows it’s right but my heart is still catching up.

We have an only, who is almost 12, conceived after a few months. Started trying for a sibling when he was 3.5, and nothing happened. For various reasons we did not go down the route of having investigations.

It took me a long time to come to terms with not having a second, and him growing up without siblings, but gradually over the last couple of years, I’ve really come to appreciate the freedom him getting older offers us, and wouldn’t want to go back to nappies and nap times. It coincided with realising at one point that if I’d had another one then, my eldest would be leaving school as the hypothetical baby started, which was NOT appealing!

For the longest time being ambushed by pregnancy announcement hurt like hell, but now, my first reaction is happiness for them.

I can’t say I did anything specific that got me through it, other than try hard to appreciate the opportunities we wouldn’t have been able to take had we had a baby in tow (long-haul flights etc, moving jobs to one with a much-less-good maternity package but overall giving me a much better quality of life). And one day, suddenly, I was ok about it.

we have a beautiful kiddo, so thankful -like op- to have one lovely child but longing for another.

different circumstances for us as due to the previous delivery now I am high risk so it's not looking possible, I am trying to discern whether we might look at fostering or adoption to add to our family. It's a big step with no guarantees, and not right for everyone, but even thinking about it gives me hope (versus unresolved wish for another child, which makes me very sad)

We're at an age (mid 30s) where everyone we know keeps falling pregnant and having 2/3 children so it's just hard seeing all the mums with bumps.

It is just a hard place to be in! Hoping things get brighter for you op,

Following with interest. I have 1 ds who is 4 and a half. We lost his little brother in November at 21+4, and I've since had 2 miscarriages. I'm contemplating stopping trying.

My second MC seems to have brought me slightly more to peace with it. Not in a "I'm done" way, more a "I want to be happy and healthy, and this is making me ill" way.

I don't really know how I got over it but I did. Now have a 12 year old and I am very happy with it. Having one is really fine and I really wouldn't start trying donor embryos and all that at 43, seems like a recipe for heartache

Some people have bodies that can run marathons, do gymnastics or weight lift. Some bodies make lots of babies, some make one , some make none.

I had a second child with the help of a surrogate. Altruistic surrogacy. She'd always wanted to do it and now we have a beautiful daughter. I don't know how I would have managed otherwise, it would have been very sad.

Hi OP, I'm also 43 and have one child. Really wanted a second but multiple miscarriages and health issues have meant it's not to be. It's really hard and I think I'll always be sad it wasn't possible, but I remind myself regularly how lucky we are to have DD and try and enjoy what we have as a family. Life isn't perfect and people have to cope with all kinds of challenges and in the grand scheme of things I'm incredibly lucky. Sending you

We became approved adopters, and a little boy joined us.

Sadly he was only with us for a couple of months, the placement did not work out.

Nearly two years ago now, and I miss him..

sorry you’re struggling op

I think when you desperately want something (like a second child) it’s easy to “glamourise” it. But many siblings don’t have positive relationships and while I know people who love their siblings I know many people whose lives are negatively impacted by them!

(I’m one and done, partly though choice, party through circumstances.)

Time passing.

We had problems conceiving and eventually had a miracle baby after several years. We tried for another, but no joy. I gradually came to the realisation that I had spent the entirety of my 30s trying to have kids and I needed to move on a little. I'm now nearly 46, so even if I wasn't infertile, it would be unusual to have a successful pregnancy at this age.

It still hurts sometimes, but no-one gets everything they want from life.

I don't know but I'd like to know the answer! My dd is 5 now and we wanted a 2 year age gap. 1 miscarriage, surgery, thousands of pounds on investigations, lots of failed IVFs and no sibling still. It hurts like fuck. I've been 'lapped' by my friends having their third. I have a little embryo from ivf in at the moment. Maybe I'll be surprised and this one will implant (and stay). I think it is one of those things where it is time that heals. I am so bitter and jealous though.

Ps just relax and it will happen!
Not

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories .

@seven201 that sounds really hard, sorry to hear that. We have done some investigations through NHS, but nothing major has been found, it's probably just my age. All the best! x

@ThePontiacBandit I know what you mean. Going back to nappies and sleepless nights is something that makes me very nervous at my age.

@Sugarcoatedalmond I agree with what you are saying. My uncle and my mum had a row over money about 25 years ago and haven't spoken to each other ever since. That broke my mum's relationship with her parents too. But it doesn't have to be like that, that's not necessarily very common.

@seven201

I don't know but I'd like to know the answer! My dd is 5 now and we wanted a 2 year age gap. 1 miscarriage, surgery, thousands of pounds on investigations, lots of failed IVFs and no sibling still. It hurts like fuck. I've been 'lapped' by my friends having their third. I have a little embryo from ivf in at the moment. Maybe I'll be surprised and this one will implant (and stay). I think it is one of those things where it is time that heals. I am so bitter and jealous though.

Ps just relax and it will happen!
Not

Similar story here. 8 rounds of IVF, many miscarriages. We are so very lucky to have DS, who's nearly 4, but we'd have so loved a sibling for him (well, 2 more actually but I'd not like to be greedy).

I'm slowly, slowly coming to accept it, but as you say, I'm still bitter and jealous.

I felt it particularly acutely when waiting to be seen re: a missed miscarriage in the antenatal clinic - there were 2 obese pregnant women outside smoking, I had tears of rage in my eyes as I passed them. No, their pregnancies aren't my business, but the cavalier way they treated then unborn children's health made me wonder why they deserve DC and I don't. That's not how it works of course, but it does feel like it sometimes.

Best of luck with the wee embryo, hopefully that'll be the one to stick for your DC2

@SemiFeralDalek really sorry to hear that. Losing a pregnancy at 21 weeks must be heartbreaking. Glad to hear you are finding some peace .

@seven201 wishing you all the best, hope you get a positive outcome this time x

Yeah in a similar boat have a 7 year old took 16 months to conceive here. Have been trying 5 years for a second child and have had 3 miscarriages. Finally had my appointment with recurrent miscarriage and they didn't find anything majority wrong and have a plan in place next time I get pregnant. I have PCOS have had 3 round of clomid that didn't work and waiting to have the higher doses but part of me just wants to give up trying. It is much easier now my daughter is older and my mum had a 8 year gap with her brother and hated it. I don't know if I can face going back to sleepless nights and nappies.
The pregnancy announcement still hurt though my friend is pregnant told us about 5 weeks I am happy for her her as she has endometriosis and have been trying for years but it does hurt. I blogger I follow just announced she is pregnant with her fifth and that just seems unfair.
We are now in the position to actually afford private IVF due to an inheritance but it does seem like a massive waste of money as I'm 40 and the success rate isn't great. I've had some may tests and prodding and poking I don't know if I want any more.

I felt it particularly acutely when waiting to be seen re: a missed miscarriage in the antenatal clinic - there were 2 obese pregnant women outside smoking, I had tears of rage in my eyes as I passed them. No, their pregnancies aren't my business, but the cavalier way they treated then unborn children's health made me wonder why they deserve DC and I don't. That's not how it works of course, but it does feel like it sometimes.

I know exactly what you mean. The way some women treat their born or unborn children is appaling. Yet, no fertility problems there. It does feel awfully unfair.

I can relate. DS is 4 and I got ill soon after he was born. I’m on meds I can’t take if I’m pregnant, can spend weeks in bed and my poor health already has an impact on DS. Drs aren’t convinced that I could physically cope with another pregnancy, and I don’t think I could cope with another child.

I feel like I’ve had to grieve for the child/children I didn’t have, and sometimes it just feels bloody unfair. I try to look at the positives of having one- he’s at a fantastic private school which supports his additional needs and it wouldn’t have been possible financially if we had more children as one example.