How to deal with the mansplainer?

[Mansplainee]

I’m in a relatively senior role at work (head of department level). It’s a very male dominated industry and a few of the male directors, but one in particular, are complete mansplainers who feel the need to tell me how to do my job and question my expertise (even though I’ve been doing my job for 10 years). My response is often to smile and nod politely.

I found out today that the main mansplainer has contested my annual pay uplift on the basis that he often ‘has to tell me how to do my job’.

Now I’m absolutely furious. It’s partially my fault for allowing him to do this though isn’t it.

How do I deal with this in the future? It would be career suicide to tell him to just F off (as tempted as I am) but continuing to be passive is going to be really damaging too. Any other women had similar issues with male colleagues, how have you handled it?

You wonder how it’s ok for him to be a shameless dick and shut him down. Every time.

@Belliphat you’re completely right. It’s so fucking exhausting though. I just want to be able to do my job and not have to deal with all the bloody politics.

I used to confront those sorts head on with things like...

"aww that's so sweet of you, but you really don't need to worry your pretty little head, I think I've more than got this & you are just distracting me"

"Oh dear are you bored, don't you have enough of your own work to do. I don't really appreciate being distracted with your chatter, I've work to do"

followed by a deliberately fake grin whilst looking them straight in the eye.

& I'd have a word with HR too, given the stupid old sod has taken it further

I'd have a word with HR too, given the stupid old sod has taken it further

I’m the Head of HR

One good way of responding is to say, “Yes that’s right.” Or just “Correct, yes you got that right” as if you are testing him.

Wanker, though.

Or just “Of course I am aware of that.” Etc

Tedious dickhead!

I find a clipped “Yes that’s correct” as if they’ve scored a point useful.

Start by acknowledging what has happened ‘Christ Twatface it appears you have thought you were teaching me how to do my job. Honestly I just felt rude to stop you in full flow but I will next time.’ Then do, “Yes of course, am just doing this now is there anything else you want?” “Christ Twatface - it’s happening again , please stop before you think you are teaching me again.”

I would ask my LM for documentation of instances where I needed him to tell me how to do my job. Have you had any appraisals or anything where your competance has been questioned?

But yes you are going to have to tell him to stop. Listen Dave if I need your help I'll ask, ok?

Watch this video of someone giving some excellent examples of how to deal with mansplaining. It's amazing I've memorised several.
It's reposted on The Female Lead, 7th video from the most recent on TikTok if anyone doesn't want to click a link.
vm.tiktok.com/ZMdu4Vs8V/

Are they also in HR?

"you are preaching to the choir" should work

I’d be inclined to be blunt and just say very politely:
“Thank you for that but I do know how to do my job”.
If he does it again then a more firm: “I don’t need your input on this”.

@Mansplainee

I'd have a word with HR too, given the stupid old sod has taken it further

I’m the Head of HR

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I used to really enjoy pretending I didn’t understand their mansplaining, so they’d mansplain further, and further, and further, to the point it was ludicrous and they’d realise what they were doing and get embarrassed.

I get this in meetings. One guy just doesn't listen then brings up the same point I just made. I usually point it out by saying 'yes, as I just said that would be possible'.. not because I want to make him feel bad but because he's so blatantly ignoring me.

He also enters things in the forward planning notes just above or below where I've entered the exact same information because he doesn't bother checking if someone else has had the same idea.

I just delete his version out so the one left has my initials as the originator.

You just have to be consistently assertive.

you could say "yeah, you were talking, but it was after I had decided what to do. correlation is not causation"

Have you had any appraisals or anything where your competance has been questioned?

No, I’ve had really good feedback from my direct line manager. She’s really up front so would definitely tell me if she had any concerns with my performance.

Are they also in HR?

No, he’s not HR. He’s a ‘C-level’ director

Thanks everyone - great suggestions!

I just basically need to toughen up don’t I

Weirdly, I manage a woman who does this. So it’s not just men but I think she’s fairly unique. I shut her off by saying things like “I don’t think we need to go over this again” and “I’m sure that everyone has already understood my point. She then looks really wounded and confused, right up to the point where she starts doing it again.

My husband actually pulls people up on this in meetings - I've heard him do it working from home.

He's a manager so he's usually in charge of the meeting and will stop anyone who starts talking over others, particularly over women or junior staff.

I'd have a word with HR too, given the stupid old sod has taken it further

I’m the Head of HR

Oops 🥴

Hopefully you have someone you can go to if he doesn't stop with the undermining you to others.

& yes you do need to get tough & sarcastic, & if it continues, up the anti & I found especially hitting their sexuality with things like, "are your lace panties bothering you, as you seem to be itching to tell me how to do my job". Annoying that you have to, but in my experience it's the only thing that really works. Humiliation & sarcasm always worked for me.

In the past I was the skinny booby blonde that looked like a barbie doll, but I was also a senior director & I got this shit non stop. I took no prisoners & wasted no time being nice, because these types see that as weaknesses & confirmation they are helping you. My reputation as a ball breaker eventually went before me & quickly sorted them out & they kept away

Good luck