I really appreciate my daughters stepmum -anyone with me?

[Character120]

At first I found the new dynamic challenging, who is this strange women holding my child. Why is she getting involved in minor disputes between myself and ex partner. Why is she messaging me about my child. Why is she so heavily involved. As a step mother myself I knew it was because A. She cares B. She’s trying to find her footing, it’s difficult to balance when to care and not.

She soon became a solid SM and I very much appreciate when my DD comes home with washed hair and HW done. Sometimes I’ll throw in a little thank you text. I love when she comes home with the arts and crafts they made together, it’s nice to see that relationship. She takes her to cycling classes and got her into horse riding- even got her a rescue pony! She’ll throw in a little text to say how well she’s done. She has three other children so I appreciate her for making mine a priority too. I’ll send over cupcakes on their birthdays, presents at Xmas and makesure my DD writes her a Mother’s Day card- I do it so ultimately my daughter is happy.

It wasn’t always this rosy it took time and respect to get to this place.

Is anyone else on this wavelength or do you simply not get involved?

And you know what, I hope she appreciates you too. I know many women who just are not interested in working with the step mother at all. It takes strength to be open enough to let her get involved. It can only be a good thing for your daughter.

From your post, it sounds like you're both working for the best outcomes for your daughter. It's great. Women and bloody fantastic.

I’m not in this position but I just wanted to pop on to say you sound a fantastic mother and your DD is very lucky to have such a supportive family around her.

I'm not jn this situation but that's so lovely

I wish this was my situation but I doubt we’ll ever get there! You both sound like grown ups!

I think its the only way to be, we are a very blended family with lots of children who benefit from everyone getting along and doing whats right for them, I have relationships and friendships with some very strong women with huge personalities, christmas and other celebrations are huge, loving and wonderful, shared holidays happen and emergency moments are always dealt with with cooperation and often humour.

It can be hard work but we are family and thats what counts, not DNA.

Loving the dynamic of your relationship with dd’s stepmom.

Absolutely, I appreciate everything my dcs step mum does, she's a lovely person and they're very lucky to have her in their life

Gosh that sounds lovely OP, the more people you have behind you and supporting you in life the better, how wonderful for your dd.

Loving the positivity on here

The reason why I posted is because the other side of our blended family is a different story. Step parents have to deal with a lot! When feeling disrespected it leads to lots of underlying issues. If you chat about your experiences it often leads to unhelpful comments such as, mum is under no obligation to speak to you, you can’t expect to be respected or mum owes you nothing. That’s true but I think most can agree that adults showing basic respect, working together on some things resolves bad feelings and ultimately creates the best possible environment for the kids.
I got to a point where I had to disengage with my SD on a few things but naturally it’s not how I’d parent.
What I’ve found is there’s no point in being negative about mum but to be positive about the step parents out there doing the best they can in often tricky situations. Just to try and normalise a little respect.

My XH left me for OW 4yrs ago and is now married to her. So naturally I'd hate her...

But actually l don't as I'm thankful she took XH off my hands because she has accepted my DC open armed.

Admittedly in the beginning and when first married there were issues as XH was trying to force the DC to "bond" with her and came out with crap like "she acts like a mother to them, thinks like a mother etc" and kept referring to her as Stepmother..... but it was him being a complete twat and not her. (He'd love it if l disappeared and she became the mother properly).

From what the DC have said, she is the calming influence in that household and l think thing's could be a lot worse.

Morally we are world's apart as I'd never go off with a man who was married and who has DC.... but as a person l really like her and wish her well.

That’s so lovely.

My ds has had a step mother since he was 8. She had two sons around the same age so I thought it would work out well as she would understand.

Unfortunately, she pushed him out and exh was always on her side. ds is 18 now and his dad still has to ask his wife’s permission to see him, always has to check any dates with her. ds had only seen him a few times a year since he was 13.

It’s so sad.

@Muchmorethan wow you really have managed to put your feelings aside and focussed on the positives!
As mum, I think the toughest part is the beginning and adapting to change. Knowing they’re in safe hands is the game changer!

I think most exs are the same, I’m sure mine would take me out of the picture if possible! He’d always highlight what a great mother she was and pick me apart on the silliest of details. He doesn’t do that now.

I’ve been too negative over the years and it’s great to share the success stories

My XH can't praise me enough for being such a "great mum" now - especially to our disabled son. He was the complete opposite when married - always putting me down and making me feel like shit.

As much as he'd like his wife to be as "important" as me, he also knows his life would be hell of a lot harder if l was out the way. They'd have the DC 24/7 ... and not 4 days a month which would affect their hobbies

@Arsebucket
That is really sad and I imagine has caused a lot of resentment for both you and son.

Unfortunately some men don’t put their foot down and opt for the easier life.

There’s certainly been times when I don’t want to be SM because of issues with Mum (not saying that in your case) we do 50/50 and the contrasting parenting styles have driven me insane but I love my partner and I keep managing those emotions- with an occasional vent! As you can see, trying to focus on the positives of a blended family!

Tbh I don’t know how they live with themselves!

I very much appreciate when my DD comes home with washed hair and HW done.
You shouldn't need to be grateful to her step mother for this, her father should be responsible for this.

[quote Character120]@Arsebucket
That is really sad and I imagine has caused a lot of resentment for both you and son.

Unfortunately some men don’t put their foot down and opt for the easier life.

There’s certainly been times when I don’t want to be SM because of issues with Mum (not saying that in your case) we do 50/50 and the contrasting parenting styles have driven me insane but I love my partner and I keep managing those emotions- with an occasional vent! As you can see, trying to focus on the positives of a blended family!

Tbh I don’t know how they live with themselves![/quote]
Yes it’s all sad. He moved 150 miles away when he met his now wife a month or so after we split, so he was only going to have ds one or maybe two weekends a month anyway.

It was all to get back at me as left him and bruised his ego. Just horrible that he took it out on ds.

That's lovely OP. Kids who have involved step parents are so lucky. More people to care for them, more different perspectives in their life, more exposure to different interests.

@choli Realistically though, there’s two parents in that household, he’s not going to care for our daughter whilst she ignores her. Why would I not appreciate that? No one grows up wanting to be a step parent, she fell in love with my ex and I’m grateful she’s been brilliant with my child.

I'm on the other side of this but I have appreciated my DSC's DM in a similar way over the years. They're adults now but I was always amazed at how open she was to my involvement with her DC when they were small and her generosity in allowing/encouraging their relationship with me to grow, I'm not sure I could have been quite so unselfish in her shoes if I'm honest.

I suppose in return I've always tried to be a positive influence and she always knew they were loved and looked after in our home, we had really good communication and she knew she could come to me if there were any issues. I always saw my role al being to support DH to be the best dad he could be and that included building a cooperative relationship with the DC's mum, I count myself lucky that she saw it the same way. There are DGC now and we're both known as Nan which again I think is unselfish of her and means the world to me. I hope she feels the same about me as you do about your DC's SM OP, I think she knows I always did my best.