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Original poster

I've hit a wall...again. Am I not allowed to be happy?

19 replies

EverybodysFool · 02/07/2021 08:43

Hi,

I know the world doesn't revolve around me. I know I am insignificant and the universe doesn't care if I'm happy or unhappy, but sometimes it just feels like I'm wired this way, so in a way it does feel as though my destiny is to be unhappy, always.

I have happy moments, yes, but I never feel contentment. I don't know what that feels like. I am so envious of those that do and I should just be happy for them.

The past 20 years have just gone in a flash and I have done nothing with my life.

I have a beautiful dc, an amazing and supportive dp, no money worries, but still, I feel empty and scared all the time.

I don't know why I'm posting really. I was going to go into more detail about specific reasons why I'm feeling so miserable again, but actually it doesn't matter. I'm the reason really. I'm the problem.

As I say, I don't know why I'm doing this, but thanks for reading.

OP posts:

16purplecolour16 · 02/07/2021 08:45

I read in here : happiness = self compassion and kindness. Simple but brilliant

Maggiesfarm · 02/07/2021 08:46

I feel for you and how you feel is not unusual. In time you will look back and see many blessings but at the time, you are just on a sort of conveyer belt. Maybe saying you've been on automatic pilot would be more accurate.

It's never too late, better things are ahead, honestly,

16purplecolour16 · 02/07/2021 08:47

And g to be science behind it is, every time you do this for yourself, you create a new neural pathway. Which I guess is why meditation is so effective

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 02/07/2021 08:48

Sorry that you are feeling like this, perhaps your mental wiring does need some professional help? Did you know that you can self-refer to get some help, free on the NHS? www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/
Good luck x

Lemonades · 02/07/2021 08:51

Have you had any trauma in the past OP? Sometimes the past creeps on me unexpectedly.... even small things like moving around as a young child, always changing friendship groups....

Didn't want to read and run. I find little things everyday I conquer and not run away / avoid

ohnoisaid2much · 02/07/2021 08:55

Definitely take note of when you feel this way most intensely so you can pinpoint what triggers it.

CBT helps with that and also what behaviours and thoughts keep you in that spiral. It also helps with finding me ways of thinking and behaving to address the issue.

Good luck

Sarahlou63 · 02/07/2021 08:58

You're not the problem but there is something in your past which is making you think you are. Have a look at this as it explains very well how the core beliefs formed in childhood affect us throughout our lives - and also how we can challenge and change them.

Original poster

EverybodysFool · 02/07/2021 10:10

Thank you for all the replies and links. I will have a look.

I have actually had CBT several times and whereas some bits I have taken away and found quite useful, I don't think I've ever got to the route cause of the issue.

I had a happy childhood, but as soon as I hit puberty, the wheels seemed to come off and honestly, I don't think I've been truly happy since.

I have a lot of very dark memories, which I can't seem to shake or let go. I have an insane amount of guilt. The guilt is constant.

I just don't like myself. Sometimes I feel as though I hate myself. I feel too much. I'm constantly overwhelmed by my feelings. I can't bear all the pain and suffering in the world. It's like a physical ache in the middle of my chest.

My dc is struggling with their mental health now too and I think maybe it's brought a lot of past trauma to the surface again, because they're the same age as me when I first started suffering with mine. I can't stand to think they will feel a degree of what I felt/feel.

OP posts:

Polkadots2021 · 02/07/2021 10:14

@EverybodysFool

Hi,

I have happy moments, yes, but I never feel contentment. I don't know what that feels like. I am so envious of those that do and I should just be happy for them.

The past 20 years have just gone in a flash and I have done nothing with my life.

I have a beautiful dc, an amazing and supportive dp, no money worries, but still, I feel empty and scared all the time.

As I say, I don't know why I'm doing this, but thanks for reading.

If you are healthy, have a lovely DH and lovely DCs, then you've clearly achieved a great deal, so the negativity in your post, I'd guess (as a random person off the Internet) that you might need a bit of help with depression or anxiety - i.e. you're feeling low because of chemical imbalances not because of the reality of your life.

Also you don't need to be racking up achievements to be worth it - just being you, & being a kind person is more than enough.

Original poster

EverybodysFool · 02/07/2021 10:28

@Polkadots2021, in terms of achievements, I seem to be surrounded by people achieving big, including dp, so I judge myself even more harshly for not being the same I guess. I feel pretty useless tbh.

OP posts:

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 02/07/2021 11:32

Tehmina23 · 02/07/2021 11:44

Maybe go to your gp as antidepressants may help... I take Venlafaxine it's very good

SpaceshiptoMars · 02/07/2021 12:45

Stop watching the news?
Try a couple of experiments - take antihistamines and see if you feel better. If not, take a couple of aspirin and see if your mood lifts.
More drastic - try eating a raw food diet for a couple of weeks (apart from a small portion of cooked fish per day).

You can feel underlying misery from allergies and from a constant slightly raised temperature. Food travelling too slowly through your gut doesn't help either. Sometimes allergies don't cause much of a problem until you hit puberty.

Tickledtrout · 02/07/2021 13:03

Have a look at ACT op - acceptance and commitment therapy. It can be useful for someone in your situation.

Original poster

EverybodysFool · 02/07/2021 14:58

@SpaceshiptoMars, well I certainly sleep better on antihistamines. I actually do take a pre biotic as I heard that your gut health can have a big impact on your mental wellbeing.

Thanks @Tickledtrout, I'll Google.

OP posts:

Original poster

EverybodysFool · 02/07/2021 15:02

Had an awful day. Can't remember the last time my anxiety was this high. It's ridiculous!

OP posts:

Polkadots2021 · 02/07/2021 16:02

[quote EverybodysFool]@SpaceshiptoMars, well I certainly sleep better on antihistamines. I actually do take a pre biotic as I heard that your gut health can have a big impact on your mental wellbeing.

Thanks @Tickledtrout, I'll Google.[/quote]
Could you have hormone levels and vit/mineral levels checked? Both could be playing a huge role, and also work out if you could be on stronger probiotics over time...then also talk to GP about anti depressants? I genuinely think this is chemical/hormonal/biological (I say as a non medical person, but I've worked in fitness all my life so have a tendency to logically put biology before anything else when it comes to dysfunction-it's a hugely valuable approach but wider society doesn't seem to do it).

Tickledtrout · 02/07/2021 16:06

Yes I'd second that gut health, inflammation and hormone imbalance can all contribute to a downward spiral, or an upward turn.
Remember it's not either/or. If you're really struggling at the moment then an honest discussion with your GP and anxiety medication can provide a window for you to make other positive steps

TheMirrorofHerDreams · 02/07/2021 16:35

If you feel its hormone triggered could you be perimenopausal?

Though I've never had anxiety or depression - I started getting waves of anxiety in the morning, dark moods with guilt and shame all mixed up. I started on HRT and BOOM. it went. Vanished.

I understand you have a long standing history so it might not be the case at all, but just thought I would mention it.

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