I don’t want my daughter to be like me

[livingwithbees]

My daughter is 3 and a half and is easy going, well socialised and is my funny, happy girl. But, I’ve started noticing a few behaviours which look really similar to me, for background I am a chronic people pleaser to my own detriment, I absolutely can’t say no to anything, don’t stick up for myself and routinely get treated as a doormat. I’ve known this about myself for a while, I am trying to work on it but it’s clearly not going well.
My daughter likes to be helpful (and is!) but needs reassurance about it, she will also seek a lot of reassurance if other children are misbehaving or being told off - ‘I didn’t do x’ ‘am I being a good girl?’ or the one that really got me was a few weeks ago where she asked if I was proud of her. I am currently pregnant which I know can prompt insecurities. I just don’t want her to grow up like me, feeling anxious about other people’s actions and desperately needing to people please! Her dad is the complete opposite by the way, he is the more balanced of the two of us and is certainly no doormat. I’ve only recently begun noticing these behaviours, her childminder setting haven’t mentioned anything but do comment that she is well behaved and gets along with everyone really well. I hope all of this makes sense, it’s been playing on my mind a lot recently but I’m still struggling to articulate most of it!

She's still only little, her personality is only just developing so I wouldn't get to worked up about it, however I believe the younger you start something the easier it is to instil, so maybe look up some ways to give her more confidence in herself.
Praise her not only on her achievements, but how she got there, ie rather that what a brilliant picture, that was a really good idea to draw that, I love the way you drew his eyes etc..
She will learn from you and copy your behaviour, so explain to her why you react in certain ways and offer alternative ways to react. We do need to teach our girls to stand up for themselves whilst teaching them kindness and the limits on kindness.
Best of luck op, I'm sure your doing a great job.

First of all I really sympathize, I don't want my daughter to grow up like me either!

I wonder if maybe you could encourage your daughter to think more about how she feels about herself instead of looking to you for validation? So, if she asks if she's being a good girl, ask her if she thinks she is. If she asks if you're proud of her, ask her if she's proud of herself? Also you can do this spontaneously, so if she works hard at something, you could say 'you must be so proud of yourself ...'

This will of course backfire on you when she's a teenager and you've taught her not to seek your approval all the time...

Lead by example. Maybe spend a few minutes every evening taking turns to say what has happened that day and include things you are proud of yourself or feel good about.

Focus on achievements rather than people’s perceptions or behaviors.

I would recommend reading tThe Book You Wish Your parents Had Read by Philippa Perry. It won’t necessarily reassure you (children know and see and absorb, they just do, and they learn lessons about behaviour from their parents young and hard) but it will help you put it in context and maybe change some of your own behaviours - for you and for the lessons you are teaching her.

Thank you for all your kind responses, I do see that there is a need for girls to not be compliant and to rock the boat, the worst thing is is that I can’t even tell when I became such a doormat as I never used to be!

@workwoes123 I’ll definitely give that book a go, I’ve seen it around but not engaged brain enough to sit down and read it yet!

I think you’re absolutely right to realise this and to want to nip it in the bud — my mother was a chronic people-pleaser who was terrified of saying no in case people disliked her, and it was a crappy way to grow up, with her pushing us to do things we didn’t want to in case a refusal elicited a negative reaction. (And you can imagine how dangerous this is for teenage girls, issues of consent and early sexual experiences etc.) It too me years and a lot of work to unlearn.

You absolutely need to model assertiveness, self esteem and strong boundaries to her. You say you’re working on it, but it’s not going well. What are you actually doing? Maybe people can advise if they know what you’re trying.

@Fistful I removed the worst source of people pleasing from my life - my job - when it became clear that my boss was quite happy to trample all over me and emotionally manipulate me at every turn. I think I’m still getting over it all. I’m lucky enough to have a really supportive DH and close group of friends who are the complete opposite of me and are supportive of my quest to say no more often! I’m terms of what I’m actually doing - not automatically agreeing to things ie days out, but being clear about not committing to things without thinking about them first, actually voicing my opinion and not being overly tactful and just nodding along - this one is taking a lot of conscious energy and keeps me up at night rethinking and going back over the conversation from every different angle to work out whether I’ve offended someone. I know that part of my problem is that if a stronger personality comes up against me, my words get confused and I’ll be the one to back down and try to smooth things over.

Do role playing to teach her to be assertive when she is older

I have my own hang ups that I’m trying not to pass on., but people pleasing isn’t one of them. It was educational for me spending a holiday with my SIL (an absolute unhappy, anxious people pleaser) and watching her interact with her son. She was «at» him all the time - holding him back and telling him to go last at any self-serve meal, chiding him any time he made any noise in case it annoyed the neighbours, making him give in in every little argument with anyone, and, of course, modelling all that behaviours in her own actions every day.

Would you try therapy ? It might help you clarify things and learn new tools.

You sound exactly like me and your DD sounds very much like my DS when he was younger. He's 12 now and not like that at all, DH has definitely rubbed off on him! Try not to worry.