Child Regressive Behaviours

[ZogtheHog]

Unsure how to title this so bear with me whilst I explain please.

My ten year old step daughter displays pretty regressive behaviour at certain times - usually when stressed, or anxious, but also towards the end of the day - we read in our bed and she does it then.

I'm talking about things like thumb sucking, hair stroking, regressive communication, regressive emotions (ie. she does not display her emotions as she would at other times of the day).

She's been assessed and diagnosed with a learning difficulty (which it turns out may not be as mild as we were originally told), she struggles with processing and sequencing. This has some pretty big knock on impacts - the ones that have caused the argument are regarding toileting and bed wetting. Not really sure how to describe the toileting ones but it as if she doesn't listen to the signals; it can be pretty brutal and the pandemic has made things worse. She wets the bed every single night without fail and we've tried everything - she now wears drynights. She's also been diagnosed with encopresis.

Everything has come to a head because I've been away and my dipshit partner (dipshit for multiple reasons) decided to go all out, no drynights, strict regime, possibly some shouting, if she doesn't strip the bed then it stays that way. Frankly, I feel gross behaviour.

It's had a huge knock on affect on her and she's displaying regressive behaviours, super clingy, been a nightmare in school (which is not like her) etc.

I just need to know if I stand up to him and tell him how batshit he is or if he actually has the right method and I need to stand by him and hope things get better.

Damn it, thought I was posting in AIBU...

Regressive behaviour usually happens when a child has experienced an upset or trauma or has an unfilled need. Your partners behaviour is abusive towards his child and shows a completely lack of understanding of what his child needs.

It is probably for the best this didn't end up in AIBU.

I'm struggling to find polite words about your DP.

First off, has he taken dd to the GP about this?
I'm guessing yes, if she has some diagnosis around it.

Has there been a referral to an enuresis clinic? They should be able to set out ways to support dd.

Eric have a great website with a lot of information about managing these issues.
They also have a free helpline.

It is abusive to make a child sleep in soiled bedding.

Does this dc live with you full time? If not what does her dm do?

I don’t agree with your husbands approach. Even if I do tough love, it actually can be done kindly and without drama.

However, if you’re both involved in bedtime etc then you must be on the same page.

I think a lot of children have regressed over the last year or so. My view is she’s going to wet and poo regardless so save yourselves all the hassle and upset and put the pull ups on.

Any further trauma will make her regression worse. It is a coping mechanism to deal with anxiety. The more anxiety the more she needs to rely on these coping mechanisms. Any plan to help her should not involve shame, raised voices or aggression. Neither should it involve lots of positive attention, cuddles etc. You have to be very neutral in your approach to it. Gentle, straightforward voices to get her up to change bed, limit conversation to very simple instructions, and only doing what you need to do to get through that moment, then straight back into bed and lights off. She needs to feel safe. I'm not going to judge your partner - he sounds like he is desperate and maybe didn't know any better. However, once he has been told that his reaction is likely to cause more issues he should stop. If he doesn't then I would seek support from social services.

Thank you. I wasn't sure if I was losing the plot or he was losing the plot but frankly was sickened by what he thought was the way forwards.

I am not entirely sure he had thought through the no sheets being changed unless she did it approach at all.

I do think it's desperation rather than him trying to be a dickhead - and whilst he has been a total dickhead in other respects he does not normally parent like this at all.

We have been the GP numerous times over the years, they have suggested a laid back approach after trialling various things. We've been seen in the clinic too at the hospital (where we tried various things as well).

Child is with us full time - yes. And yes, there's been some significant trauma as well.

I really could not see sense then due to being shocked about his suggestion / attitude.

The ERIC website is brilliant!

Bet wetting can be hormonal - or lack of. Not a deliberate act to annoy the dps....
Your dp is a dear prick
Imo
.

Shouting and crossness won’t work, and making her strip the bed won’t cure the problem either, so your Dh is completely in the wrong. She is weeing in her sleep - she has no conscious control at that point, so there is nothing she can do to stop herself.

Ds1 had a problem with bed wetting until he was 11 or 12 (maybe a bit longer - he is nearly 28 now so I have forgotten some of the details). We found a couple of things that helped:

Firstly we used a bed wetting alarm - we used it twice, in fact. The first time we used it, it really improved things - it took some days or weeks, but it did reduce the number of wet beds a lot. Unfortunately it broke, so we had to stop using it, and he did go backwards a bit.

At that point, we started ‘lifting’ him at around 11pm/midnight, and taking him for a wee - and this did reduce the number of wet beds, but didn’t stop them, so we got hold of another bed wetting alarm, and this time it did the trick - within a few weeks he was completely dry at night.

It can also help to restrict fluids after about 6pm - this is one of the things the eneuresis nurse recommended.

I should say that lifting them for a late night wee doesn’t really help them learn to wake up if then need a wee in the middle of the night, but it does mean fewer wet beds, which I think is good for both the child and the parents who are having to deal with it.

My 12 to still wets the bed... It is never mentioned. Stuff goes in the wash. Dc showers.. No issue...
Currently awaiting referral for adhd...

Bed wetting is a common issue in response to trauma. When your DP is less stressed I'm sure he can understand that yelling and strict punishments aren't going to help a child struggling with trauma.

One approach might be to get therapeutic support for the trauma as this can often reduce trauma reactions like bed wetting.

Eric will have support for strategies for dealing with the bed wetting as a stand-alone issue.

Increasing drinking during the day, ensuring dc visits toilet every two hours regardless of feeling of urgency. Stopping drinking an hour before bed. Going to toilet twice before bed and using an alarm all worked for us.
But our issue was ADHD related not trauma.

I work with dc with a specific type of trauma who often have bed wetting issues. Over the time we work together to resolve the trauma bed wetting often naturally reduces. So it might be worth considering that as an option.

The way I see it is that it is trauma or learning difficulty related and that it's completely pointless getting angry about it, particularly with her.

A calm child in the evenings makes for a much happier child the next day.

I also value the fact that she now sleeps pretty consistently which she was not doing for several years.

She has had some trauma therapy but maybe it is something we need to revisit, I will look into that.

Well he thinks that I baby her (specifically) too much and that it means she will never develop independence... but he has reluctantly agreed that bedtimes are my domain as he's rarely around to do them.

Kim Golding and Dan Hughes both have good books on successful parenting with trauma, you may have come cross them already.

There is a lot to be said for reparenting dc with trauma, enabling them to have their basic needs to be met in a way they haven't experienced in the past.

So personally I wouldn't worry about babying her.
Try and reframe it to him as meeting the care needs that she maybe didn't get met in the past.
Giving her that experience of nurturing care that she needs developmentally.
When she is secure with her developmental needs met it will be easier for her to work on doing things for herself.

Thanks, I will have a look out for the books.

So pissed off with his attitude.