I'm 14 months into a relationship with someone and I think it's time to call it a day. I am starting to notice various things about him and I think he's sold me a very different story about himself to what is real. Lies and details are coming out. Nothing seems to add up. There's one particular area of his past and it's always baffled me. But I was wondering if anyone else had experienced something similar and could figure out what's the issue here.
His last girlfriend and he met in 2010 and got together in 2011 I think. They split according to him in january 2019. He told me at the time they sort of had become friends. Made a coffee. Sat down. Agreed it wasn't working. He told me he had then had a one night stand with a woman he had known from his teens. He's in his 40s now. I remember him saying this woman for no reason rang his ex after and caused alot of trouble. I presumed it was because it was so soon after they split so the ex was abit upset that he had already been to bed with someone else.
As our relationship got stronger he was mentioning her on and off. After a few months I asked how often he saw her. He claimed just the once since me and him met. He said she wanted to go round Christmas Eve but he was busy and told me she could find something else to do instead.
In January this year he went on a rant about their past. He said looking back he realised he never really liked her. She thought was better than everyone else. He never fancied her etc. He told me a story of her getting redundancy and how she spent the whole £30,000 on trips to America with friends. Left him alone and he wanted them to have a holiday together and she was too excited about America. I suggested maybe he needed to stop speaking with her at this point. Maybe you both need to cut back on contact? He got defensive and said they were good friends still and he liked having her as a friend. He also mentioned she had been hinting at them getting back together not long ok. Asking him if he fancied her still.
A few more months passed. In recent weeks we've not been good as he's been flirting online, we've had a break from eachother. I hoped he would use that time to think. So when he returned I hoped we could discuss what he was really ready for (although I didn't really think he was right for me anymore anyway). We just took things slowly. Arranged a date. But the whole week he kept talking about his ex for various reasons. It became clear they were speaking alot still. I asked him again if he still wanted her. He said nothing will ever happen. They don't want eachother like that anymore. They are just friends.
I spoke to an old friend of his and she told me why they split. It was because he had an affair and his ex obviously couldn't move forward with him after that. She told me that his ex had caught him out many times over the years messaging various women. I then spoke with his cousin. I asked her what she thought. She told me he lost his last long term relationship due to his manly urges and he couldn't forgive himself. She said he couldn't commit to anyone because of that and he needed to be happy with himself before he can be good for anyone. She told me I wasn't the first woman to contact her. She said his ex would never go back to him as she could never trust him! He was also an alcoholic in the end and drinking all day. Lost his job because of it. He's now sober. But from what I can tell it must have been his behaviour that wrecked them. Drink. Lying. Obsessed with attention from women.
He doesn't know I know these things. I am going to end it. But I just can't make any sense of what I've learned. It all adds up. He was so obsessed with his ex it felt. Yet tried to make out it was such a mutual split and they have this wonderful friendship.
I just am struggling to understand his ex. She's got some of his plants still. She seems to be in contact with him all the time. Even when she knew he was with me. They never get back together. Yet they never seem to be apart. I am just confused by her being in his life. Is this a trauma bond? Or is she scared to walk away? Or is she just in love still and doesn't want to loose him fully either? The whole things has had me so confused for over a year now. Her presence in his life makes no sense based on the things that really happened. What do you think? Do you think he won't let her move on? Or do you think it's both of them?