Delayed stress reaction to the pandemic (keyworker/frontline worker)

[pastabest]

Anyone else having this?

Recently I keep becoming tearful anytime anyone mentions the early months of the pandemic.

I won't go into details but DH and I are both keyworkers/frontline, we had no access to childcare because the DCs were both too young for school and weren't accessing formal childcare pre pandemic.

In hindsight I should have asked to be excused from work due to childcare (public sector so couldn't be furloughed) but I didn't want to let colleagues or service users down.

I now feel a bit panicky whenever anyone mentions anything about it. I cry in the car if anything comes on the radio about the first few months of the pandemic. I deliberately avoid anything on Tv that might reference it but if it does come up I end up sobbing.

I think I'm just trying to gauge if this is a 'thing' or if it's an extension of some undiagnosed PND or something. I'm mostly happy and functioning until someone mentions the first lockdown.

At the time it was 'bad' but I coped. 12 months on, I'm really struggling to talk about it even with family without getting tearful.

Maybe allow yourself get a bit teary over it and talk about it. It was a hugely stressful time, I'm not surprised you and many others are still struggling. There was always talk of there being a mental health fallout from it all, I think you're in that by the sounds of it. If it's affecting you a lot, have a chat with your GP

I completely relate to this. I suspect we might work in the same sector. It was chaos abs there was no ppe for months.

I can work myself into a state thinking about the day I picked up the dds from school not knowing when if they would ever go back. They had that single school day in January too and it was hell.

I remember driving to visits in those first days of lockdown when the roads ere empty like xmas day and feeling the end of the world was coming.

My kids went to educare and I tried to fit a 40 hour week into a 25 hour one and it was more than shit for us all. But we carried on.

I had a mental breakdown in October and 3 months off work with severe anxiety. I'm much better now but I completely sympathise with this post

Completely sympathise

It’s going to have ongoing impact for years

My DC were sent home from school last week and I ended up having a panic attack and crying on DH at the anticipation of them being home for weeks and trying to work alongside it

Thanks.

I don't think crying over Greys anatomy warrants a GP visit but I'm more than happy to cry it out for a bit on my own if it's just a normal reaction to stress.

I think there's a few adverts out at the moment basically about 'getting back to normal' and it's all people managing to get their haircut, going back to the pub etc and I'm happy that's happening but also angry that people are already managing to be lighthearted about a period of time that was really very difficult for me.

It's a now a no go topic in my group of friends as half of us are front line workers and the other half were furloughed and in that half some initially weren't subtle about how much they loved being at home sunbathing during lockdown etc and it caused some issues. It's good it's an now an off limit topic for the sake of friendships but at the same time it also means I can't discuss what I'm feeling now without making others feel bad.

NHS here too. I think there’s deffo an element of burnout happening. The whole thing was uncertain & awful yet here we are just keeping going. I don’t think I’ve really processed it all yet. Things are still a bit upside down at work. Very little support or opportunity to debrief & now seeing others in NHS getting back to normal, taking on new projects, being expected to continuously improve & I’m just trying to get through a standard day.

PTSD symptoms. You won't be the only one. By a long way. I can't even think about May/June last year which was crisis point for us

angry that people are already managing to be lighthearted about a period of time that was really very difficult for me

I think this part of it is important. Many of us were trapped in our own secret personal hells during the pandemic. For me, I’m not a so much bothered that I had a fairly bad time and that others didn’t but it’s more the fact that I fear there will be no acknowledgment and no understanding of how awful it was and why, and no recompense. Partly because lots of other people also had even shitter experiences, and partly because some people who had an ok time are just clueless about the reality for others. It makes sense, but because of that we are having to bury a lot of, essentially, trauma, because there’s nowhere for it to go. Plus as we were all doing it for the greater good, and as there was no time at the time to do anything besides try to survive in the thick of it, we probably didn’t manage to process our feelings about the bad times while they were happening. Now that there is a chance, I think it’s not surprising that these feelings are popping up. But it’s tricky that they’ve nowhere to really be aired.

I took lots of photos during the first lockdown to remember all the family time we spent together. I thought I'd make a photoalbum. Second lockdown was very difficult for me, with two members of my family dying and home schooling whilst wfh was tough.
I can't bring myself to look through the photos, let alone make an album. We enjoyed the first lockdown despite missing out on so much but the painful times and frustration I felt from the second lockdown has made looking back on the whole year very upsetting so I get where you're coming from. I hope it will get easier with time.

Sorry for your losses andora

for me I've found I do get upset about anything to do with those early weeks but definitely any references to how 'we spent the first lock down sunbathing in the back garden' or 'it gave us time to spend as a family'.

My first lockdown was spent working in impossible and very stressful conditions attempting to do a front line role over the phone with service users I needed to see in person and screaming at/begging/ bribing my preschool age children to be quiet.

One of them (mildly) injured themselves whilst I was on the phone to someone going through crisis and I literally had to make a choice between abandoning that client or letting my child hurt themselves.

That's just one (very tame - I can't discuss the worse stuff on a public forum) example of how awful it was.

It really upsets me thinking about all these wonderful memories lots of others apparently have from 'the long hot summer on furlough' when me and my children are all still a bit traumatised from that period of time.

They have missed out on so much (as have most children) but I suspect the history books will remember it as all being about no loo roll, bad hair dos, parents working in the garden as children played in the sun etc, I just want to scream 'that's not what it was like for me'.

My organisation regularly sends meaningless platitudes over the staff email about how well we are all doing and 'thanks' but it's just words on a screen, they didn't and haven't done anything practical to actually support employees during any of this time.

I recently saw some early footage of the first announcement on the TV re the lockdown . I found it really upsetting weird, shocking , much more than at the time. I think lots of people are going to struggle with the impact now we are coming out of the crises and there is also a fear that this will just drag on too. Hope your workplace provides support.

OP totally understandable to feel the way you do. It was a traumatic time for all sorts of people in all sorts of ways. I heard something like a pan being hit a few weeks ago one evening and it brought back the doorstep clap for the NHS thing on those hot summer evenings and even that made me cry! We were terrified.

Name changed but been here a long time. You're definitely not alone OP. I too was moved from a pt facing role to telephone only, from the office to home. Very little contact with colleagues, even less with the organisation. CEV member in the household, child in the household. Every time I see the ad with the announcement of the first lockdown I change the channel, seeing the scenes at the Euros with all of the hugging and close contact sets my anxiety off and I've lost the ability to care to the extent I'm not planning on renewing my professional registration. I agree the crying it out tactic has been my friend just keep an eye that it doesn't become more than that

My colleagues and myself were discussing this last week. It’s almost a hangover from lockdown.

I feel traumatised when I think about the first lockdown especially and the affect it had on myself and my family.

I’m having counselling and it is helpings.
Can you be referred for cbt by your employer?

Helping not helpings!

I've worked Public sector, and can completely relate to certain key events simply not being talked about - the hyper stressful ones just kinda get passed over.

It does sound like you need help just processing what happened, as a PP said, lots of people were trapped in their own private hell.

Personally, when managers ask for feedback Igive it honestly, and when they offer platitudes of support - take them up on it, if your getting the warning signs it's probably a good time to get more support rather than power through.

OP I get it. I case hold vulnerable people and had to do so on the phone with my dc around. My dc needed me and I basically ignored them all day every day and most of the evening due to service users in crisis without their normal support around. What was expected from us from management was unreasonable and although I was lucky to be at home, dealing with seriously attempted suicides, DV crisis, self harm incidents ect at home, with no support and then the service users becoming increasingly angry at the lack of support I was able to give (when I'm not a support worker I usually manage support but there wasn't any!) was awful. I feel like a completely different person to who I was before WFH. I loved my job, was motivated and happy. Now I am burnt out and miserable, sometimes I turn back to the old work me for a few days but it doesn't last. I also cry a lot and take things very personally, whereas before it would have been water off a ducks back.

I’m exactly the same. I’m so happy now, but I can’t think about 2020 at all. It makes me feel like a bad mum as this means I’ve basically blocked out the first year of my son’s life, but it’s either that or spend the whole time in tears. I’m hoping as time goes on and we get further away from it all this feeling will fade.

I can relate

I find I am coping less well than I thought I was at the time

I was redeployed to COVID ICU during the 1st wave. Initially it was all about the team pulling together but the relentless 12 hour shifts, 2 days on/2 days off, never getting a proper respite, constant feeling of doom took its toll on me. I was taken out of my usual work pattern and thrown into another, with colleagues often 30 years younger than me, and expected to cope. I appeared to at the time.

When the 2nd wave in November came along I had to speak up and say I could not do it again but of course you feel guilty you are not pitching in with the team. It meant I was doing more virtual stuff which as said previously is a massive stressor in itself.

I feel I will never be the same again which sounds dramatic but it is true. I totally understand how you are feeling. At least I don’t have young children… I don’t know how you managed. I do know we dif manage but not without a massive toll on mental and physical health. I am crying now at work, just reading this thread. Unseen, unacknowledged and still the presssures of waiting lists and getting back to “normal” in the NHS will burn us out before too long.

I think it's relatively common, at least many of my friends have said similar. I had it relatively easy compared to you as i just switched to wfh and just had to deal with homeschool but I turned on a show the other day which said it was loosely based on the initial days of covid and it made me start shaking and feel sick. Had to turn it off. Wasnt expecting that reaction at all as I feel quite ok generally.

When you go through a threat/trauma situation, especially a protracted one, your brain can't process it until the threat has passed and you're safe again.

Your brain needs to keep you alive - that is its priority - so it can't let you start processing your emotions while you're still in that threatening position. It keeps you in survival mode and suspends the normal processing of memory into archives.

Now that you've come out of survival mode your brain needs to catch up with all that postponed memory processing so it can mark those events as "past" and archive them. Until then your brain still thinks those unprocessed memories are "live" and happening in the present.

So as it catches up you will also go through a catch up of the emotional processing connected to the memories. Sometimes that processing will be kicked up a notch if something triggers one of the unprocessed memories.

This is what is happening for you at the moment. It may not feel like it but it is a very good sign as it means a natural healing process has started. You're not crazy or weak, you're healing yourself which is great!

For most people it naturally resolves over a few months, but if things are getting worse or not improving after 3 months then ask your GP for help.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself (no beating yourself up about shoulda woulda coulda), stay connected to other people, find time to do things just because they make you feel good even if it's just sitting with a cup of tea ignoring to do lists.

Some people find a journal can help. Some colouring. There are also anxiety techniques that can help with soothing your nervous system or in moments of distress.

Do you know 54321? Notice 5 things around you you can hear, 4 you can see, 3 you can touch, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. Or match your senses up differently but the point is it grounds you in the present and helps the brain understand the distressing memory is not "live" anymore, not happening right now, and can be archived. You are safe.

Take care. You will come out the other side of this.

Yes, absolutely - especially the period at the beginning when we didn't know how bad it was going to be, had lots of nightmare scenarios in mind, really traumatic and it feels like people either have forgotten or never experienced it.

I’m so sorry to hear to you all that are struggling. I work for NHS and work in MH frontline so can relate to a lot of what you say. I’m feeling a bit burnt out atm. I’m not sleeping and jumping out of my skin at the slightest of things. I even jumped yesterday at the postman passing the post to me when I was in the garden. We have lost lots of service users to suicide and referrals are through the roof. I have seen people who were vastly improved before lockdown now terrified to leave the house. I just feel numb. I’m aware this has turned into a moan but I want you to know that you’re not alone. No banana bread or garden houses built here!

Can you access any staff support through your work?

It does make me feel better knowing I'm not the only one experiencing this.

I'm not a tearful person generally so I have found it a strange experiencing tearing up as soon as anyone mentions in any terms those early weeks/months last year.

It took a long time for me to process, around 7-8 months, even then I had a full blown panic attack just because the event was mentioned in a passing comment, this was when I had changed jobs, eliminated stress triggers and thought I'd left it all behind.

Tearing up is a good sign, and far far better than feeling absolutely nothing at all - but do please get some professional mental health support, there are grounding techniques which can help in a pinch and if it's unusual for you it's worth paying attention to.

OP I’m finding this a very thought provoking read and just want to say I think your feelings are completely understandable. I like wisterias suggestion about processing trauma.
I used to be NHS and now work in a role supporting NHS. We were not frontline but our workload pretty much doubled for a year to keep the service going, plus home schooling angry and depressed teens. No way did I have it as tough as frontline staff, but recently I’ve been feeling angry and resentful at what we were asked to do and these feelings seem to have taken me by surprise, so helpful to hear from others.