Standing up for yourself

[HappyBirthdayMrPresident]

How easy do you find it to stand up for yourself and to what extent do you? All my life I have suffered from never really standing up for myself and avoid confrontation at all costs sometimes to the point I feel as it I can let people get away with things without me telling them how it's pissed me off or I don't agree with them. It's the one thing I wish I could change about myself drastically and at now 47 years old and I get ashamed about it . The funny thing is I have no real problem speaking my mind with my husband or kids but anyone else it fair game. Sometimes I wonder why I am like this and wonder if it's to do with the fact I am adopted I just try to please people to avoid confrontation and have an easy life when sometimes I just want to say you know what fuck off!!!

Hopeful bump

It depends on the situation.

If it doesn't matter that much I let things go.

If they're saying something I fundamentally disagree with or offensive then I will tell them.

I'm far too nice. I adopted a deal with it once policy. Explaining in a non judgmental way. They might not agree but then that's their issue.

I have counselling tomorrow and this absolutely top of my list. My inability also extends to my family and my efforts to do so end in disaster. (I think because nobody takes it seriously).

This has actually had the biggest impact on my life as far as I can tell.

I am ashamed too.

I feel like this a lot in life, as if I'm too eager to please.
However I also find my mind racing with all the conversations I should have had, all those things I should have said but didn't.

Very hard. I don't want to rock the boat or offend someone but the rare times I say anything, it comes out as defensive or aggressive instead.

I'm plagued by this, I am not confrontation avoidance, but I am disapproval avoidance. I've been in counselling twice, the first person helped me reassert boundaries around my family and recently (last 3 years) I have been working on other relationships.

What I have found is that if you are this type of person, it hasn't gone unnoticed/ unexplored by people close to you. People depend on you not confronting them. And can react quite badly when you put healthy boundaries in place for yourself. This year that process for me has ended my relationship with both my partner and best friend who are people who like others to do lots for them but can't/ won't offer anything back. When I have tried to reset it equality it has disturbed the relationships to the point of them radically changing. I'm no longer in a couple with my partner though we do coparent, and my best friend and I have gone through numerous storms and now at the point where actually its not a relationship I even want to try and work on any more - it's so dependent on me being endlessly guving/ available but asking for nothing in return

@Flakeymcwakey interesting. I too fully get that people basically rely on me not to rock the boat. I think my teenagers taking advantage is understandable - though boundaries set by me will help them learn they can't.

I do think my partner knows it can't go on but is in some denial over this. He is very equal in terms of giving and doing...but there are some big issues we cannot ignore that will involve me being assertive and him having to make a decision whether he stays or goes. It is quite heartbreaking really. And I could cry at how shit I am at this - I feel like a small child - hence reconnecting with my counsellor.

It's not the boundary setting that bothers me but the consequences. I will report back!

It's likely that finding the courage to stick up for yourself will be a process which takes time. Don't despair OP, I eventually found my voice but it took ages. I grew up in a family with a very combative father and mum hardly ever stuck up for herself so I didn't have a good example - except to put up with being bullied. It takes practice so be kind to yourself.

I think people respect you more, and you respect yourself more for standing up for yourself. I have learnt over time when to use my voice and when to stay quiet. Not everything deserves a reaction.

I struggle with this too. I live somewhere where I'd ideally like to give someone a piece of my mind, but cannot. I go out to the pub and some of the folk are disrespectful. One chap I message, he doesn't message back.

What I do is, save it with the lady in the house, time will come. And at the pub, I respond in behaviour. I will smile and go past them, not sit down. With the text non responder, I text less and sometimes don't respond. If you show me you dont respect me, I will show you that I DO respect myself.

I am slowly learning to stand up for myself. I read a book with a good point to make, that about 70% of your day's interactions work in your favour. You win some, you lose some. Its reasonable to have to learn to stand our ground and when people don't like it, hey, you win some, you lose some.

This has given me food for thought thanks, as someone who struggles to be assertive and I had never considered if there may be a link with having been adopted. I can see that being told I should be grateful throughout my life could have contributed to people pleasing tendencies. ..

God yes,lw confidence,low self esteem ,confrontation avoidance,people pleaser,overactive guilt complex,you name it.
It has affected my life so much I haven't actually really lived,or I've fucked it all up.

Thank you for your comments I guess knowing other people feel the same doesn't make it easier but less lonelier, I honestly don't know what I can do to improve myself the most part I am ashamed about is even when people would sometimes moan about my kids for no real reason I stood and took it and that hurts me so much there are other things currently happening in my life which I know I should stand up to more but am afraid to for the consequences

I understand. But think about this.

Those consequences happen anyway. The friends leave your life anyway, the discord is there, the issues happen. Its helpful to have your say on their way out of the door, if they're going anyway.

And the issue around consequences. Its harder to feel bad about oneself than to tell a wrong person they are wrong. X

Google the SPACE model. It's a really good tool that was explained to me when I was having professional coaching.

Basically

1. Pick a situation where you were non-confrontational
2. Write down how you acted
3. Write down how this made you feel physically (this is the hardest step and the least important so don't worry if you can't do this)
4. Write down the emotions linked to this
5. Write down the cognitions driving this (a cognition is the story or rule you tell yourself - I must be nice to people)
6. Change one of your cognitions to something more positive
7. Write down how this would change your actions
8. Write down how this will feel emotionally and physically)
9. Try and put this into practice!

So I'm also pretty non-confrontational too, so I'll share my example of this.

1. Situation: someone gave me a really rubbish piece of work to review
2. Action: I immediately made excuses for them: they were new, they'd got a young baby etc then I ended up spending a long time sorting their document out
3. Physically: I felt physically uncomfortable
4. Emotionally: I felt frustrated
5. Cognition: It's my job to keep people happy

1. I changed the cognition to: adults are responsible for their own actions and can manage their own actions
2. Action: I will not make an excuse for them, instead will ask them why they haven't done the work properly
3. Physically: this made my face scrunch up even thinking about it!
4. Emotionally: feels uncomfortable, but I tell myself I can do uncomfortable things

I'm still not perfect but I've worked hard and stopped making excuses for people.

Hope this helps...