Do I have perinatal depression?

[Griffindork]

Hello,
I am 31 and currently 14 weeks with our first (and last) baby.
I have a history of depression and anxiety (hormone triggered PMDD), and I was taking medication for for approx 11 years. With the help of a psychiatrist I was able to stop the medication completely in Jan in anticipation of falling pregnant. Everything was planned and my husband has always wanted to be a parent, as I thought I did too.

When I found out I was pregnant I cried. I was overwhelmed and started having doubts as to whether I was capable of being a mother. I guess important to note that I have a poor, complex relationship with my mother, an abusive ex Stepdad and my own dad abandoned me as a baby then died when I was 19.
Up till now I have been physically ill in the pregnancy with morning sickness, lost about 7% of my bodyweight. I am now on 2 types of anti sickness medications, have received jags and it's taken its toll on me emotionally. I am miserable. I don't feel any attachment to the baby, I resent the changes happening to my body and to my life and worry that I will feel the same when the baby arrives. Then I feel guilt because I know some people would kill to be in my position.
I hate being pregnant and if I'm honest with myself I play out scenarios in my head where the test results come back to say the baby has a disorder, i still haven't checked the results of my 12 week screening. I hate myself for this.

I worry I have slipped back into depression, I cry but is it the hormones? I feel numb some days and I have to force myself to thank people who congratulate us. I've named the baby the parasite and when someone asked me how I was feeling I told them I was ill and it was terminal, before then telling them I am pregnant. It feels like am anvil around my neck and I am not coping. I have no joy in this. Is this depression or hormones or have I just made the biggest mistake of my life?

Is this normal or do I need to contact my psychiatrist? I guess it's important to say that I have had suicidal thoughts in the past and during this pregnancy, but I'm very aware that my body is a vessel for this baby and there's no way I could harm them, nor could I do that to my husband.

i think you defintiely need to contact your doctor and tell them how you are feeling. You matter too and if youre strugglign you need to get support for that. I cant tell you if its hormones or depression or both but please reach out to your doctor and get some support. being pregnant is hard work, its not always all glowy and fun, i had a horrendous pregnancy complicated by other thinsg i dont want to get into so i totally get where you are coming from in your post. I hope you can get soem support from your doctor and start to feel better soon

Definitely tell your psychiatrist, speak to your GP and definitely tell your DH

Have you told anyone how you feel? If not you definitely should. Sorry you're going through this

You should definitely seek help. Think of it as insurance if you need help then you will get it and if you don’t then you will be reassured. Depression in pregnancy is more common than postnatal depression.

Don’t worry about bonding with your baby, some people do this in pregnancy, some people at birth and some people a little later. It’s all normal and fine.

Definitely seek help. Don't be alone with this. The sickness alone on the level you have described would make most people feel miserable. And those who have had difficult childhoods often have mixed feelings when they find out they will be parents. If you could seek out counselling or therapy, I think that'd be really worthwhile.

Thanks everyone. My husband definitely knows I am struggling but probably not to the extent and when I've told him I'm worried about bonding and our loves changing too much etc he can only say that it will be fine and if it isn't we can deal with it, I don't know what else he could say to make me feel better. I have a scheduled apt with psychiatrist soon and a midwife apt on 12th July so if I'm not any better I will speak with them for a referral to perinatal. It's just so difficult when no one talks about this stuff, everyone believes it should be a magical joyful time. Xx

I have had therapy many times over the years and while I've made progress, I've realised that it's not my fault, it should be my mother who receives treatment but unfortunately she is in denial about the way she has and does behave. I have been protecting myself as well as her from her poor life decisions since I was about 6 years old. I've chosen to maintain a relationship with her for the sake of my siblings and the wider family. Unfortunately in her eyes this means that our relationship is sunshine and roses and as this is her first grandchild, I'm already feeling pressure to allow her to play a big role. This won't happen, I simply won't allow it. I can't trust her to put the needs of my child first and she won't get the opportunity to let them down as she has done to me. Sorry longwinded explanation 😅