People who no longer have involvement with their parent

[Arghlife]

I barely speak with my mum and haven't seen her in a while. I had a very difficult childhood and still have triggers which bring certain things back, the latest incident I ended up self harming. Obviously there were happy memories. I am in a much better place when I don't see her or even tall to her.
Long story short, I'm pregnant and I don't want her to know or be involved. For people who don't talk or have gone no contact, did you tell your parent you were pregnant, that they have a grandchild?
What do you tell your child if or when they ask about family?
Thanks

My DC know that my father behaved very badly and let me down too many times. Neither of them want anything to do with him (they are teens now).

He topped it off when he invited me to visit when DD1 was a few months old but "only if you don't bring that baby".

They have an amazing grandad in my stepdad and have never missed out. I had to cut him off for my own sanity!

I didn’t cut contact with my family until after my children were born, but if I’d done it before, no I wouldn’t have told them. No reason to and only sets up the expectation that they’ll have a relationship with your child. Is that what you plan? If you don’t, I wouldn’t even go there.

We do not have any children yet but we have already decided to not inform my fiance's close family. His mother is estranged from her sister, hates her. Fiance had not seen his aunt in over 20 years, his mother had told him his aunt did not like him and told the aunt the same sort of thing. Anyway we have basically found the aunt online and she is excited to be designated grandmother for our future kids! Aunt is a widow and has no kids but fiance's mum and aunt have a cousin. It has been decided she and her husband will be aunt and uncle figures to our future kids instead of fiance's awful siblings. So my top tip if you are not informing your mother of any grandchildren is finding another grandma if you can. He has no dad so I will ask my mum's cousin to be grandad.

My kids struggled to understand me not having contact with my mother.

They couldn't grasp it because, to them, a mum is someone who loves you unconditionally, is there to support you etc.

I've had to go into some of the details of my childhood, unfortunately, also my mother took a phase of calling very person possible to try and get my kids removed from me and given to her, as crap as it was, I'm glad she showed her true colours because it made it easier for my kids to understand that the woman is just evil.

She hasn't met most of my dc, and the others were very young when I cut contact.

My breaking point came when I had a daughter and I couldn't stand the thought if my baby being treated as I was.

Thank you for the responses. No I don't want her to have contact with the baby, I can't be with her or see her after everything. Obviously I also don't want to tell her and then say you can't see them as that's hurtful. Thank you for the understanding, it can be hard as people say that she'll deserve to know

I was no contact with my father long before I had children.

I never told him any time I was pregnant - it was none of his business. He turned up once with a gift (he was drunk as per) for my first son - didn't bother with my girls - and was told firmly he was unwelcome and if he returned the police would be called.

My childhood was abusive and I lived with my Grandparents from the age of 7. So my kids have always been told in an age appropriate way - starting from "Some people don't know how to be a Mummy and Daddy so Mummy lived with Nana and Grandad" and then as they got older I was able to explain that some people are not nice people and we're safer without them in our lives which is why we don't see them.

She doesn't deserve anything.

She had her parenting time, if she messed it up so badly that her child doesn't want anything to do with her, then that's her fault.

You aren't there to provide her with a second chance, you aren't due her a relationship with your baby. She was due you a good childhood, and failed to provide that.

This is your time as a parent, you make the choices here.

Don't listen to the people who will give you all the she deserves to know/you only have one mum stuff. Those people don't understand.

Absolutely don't tell your mum anything you don't want her to know.

You know best, OP. Good luck and go with your heart ❤

My mother hit my 5 year old and I cut her out of our lives a few days after. We lived very close and would row in the street if I saw her. We didn’t speak for 5 years, we weren’t speaking when she died. I cleared her house and looked on her FBK and there loads of messages a year or so before her death slagging me off. I mourned the person she used to be not the person she became

Op it's hard because like you say there is much societal pressure! People don't understand and often one doesn't want to go into detail.
But you feel the need to justify one's self.

I must admit pre Mil I would have never imagined a situation could be impossible.. But post Mil I get it.
Life is short you have to do what's right for you. Good luck.

I don’t have contact with either of my parents for different reasons (they are divorced). I’d like to have contact with my DF but he has never responded to my emails. My DM has seen my DC(6) twice as a baby, my DF never has and an uncle told him I was pregnant.

Very few people know I’m NC with my parents and as they live in another country I’ve so far managed to tell my DC(6) when he has asked a couple of times that my parents live a long way away and that’s why we don’t see them. Maybe in a year or two I’ll explain that my DM in particular is not a very nice person etc, but at such a young age I don’t think they have the emotional understanding for too much information just yet.