Over involved mother or I'm over sensitive?

[Maria53]

I've had a complicated relationship with my mother due to her demons she had to battle when I was a teenager. It really affected me & I think on some level I believe I expect or deserve the apology I know I will never receive. I'm late 20s now and currently single.

Anyway I lived abroad for several years, we talked on the phone a couple of times a month & saw each other twice a year.

Now that I am back she contacts me most days, usually about dull small talk and I get fed up with it. I haven't replied for a few days and today she has contacted me to say 'Still seeing your friends today?". I know she has plans today so this isn't about feeling out my plans. I would expect a mother to ask a teenager this question, not an adult mother to ask her adult child this.

When I lived abroad she didn't really know what I did from one day to the next. Although I love my friends and hobbies here I am starting to think I will need to leave the country again to gain my long term independence back. Am I being ridiculous?

Sounds like she’s just making conversation? If you don’t want to talk to her every day just cut down the amount you reply, I think leaving the country seems a bit dramatic.

I think she is taking an interest. If I knew my mum or sister had plans I might ask them if still going and then say have a lovely time.

I would say leaving the country may be a bit of an overreaction if it's only to get your independence back, unless you actually want to do that anyway.

Other than that, people will probably tell you that you're overreacting and that it's normal to speak to family everyday etc. but I do understand how it can feel suffocating.

I think it's the change in dynamic that you may be struggling with e.g. when you were abroad, you felt more independent, weren't speaking to her as often but now are back in the country feel as if she is suffocating you by chatting everyday and asking about your plans.

I was the same when I lived 2+ hours away from my family home. Would speak to family every now and again but they weren't massively involved in my comings and going's. Fast forward a few years, have moved closer to home and all of a sudden it's constant questions about my plans, how I spend my time etc which gets annoying.

Have you explained to her how you feel?

Maybe she is just making conversation, whereas I see it as her thinking she should be allowed to know what I'm doing at all times.

I always thought I lived abroad because I was young and wanted new experiences but I now think part of it was getting away from her. It was a relief. I am now struggling with having a closer relationship.

I've realised that if I had my way I wouldn't talk to her for long periods. That would break her heart but I hate the sense of duty I have to fulfil.

That sounds like an innocent question, a way of reaching out when you haven’t been in touch for a few days without being too needy. Presumably you are seeing your friends and it’s nice that she remembers what you are doing. It sounds like a normal mother-adult child interaction.

But only you know the context, the tone, the history, to know whether it’s a more loaded question. And if the current relationship doesn’t work for you, given the history, then maybe you need to step back a bit (without fleeing the country!)

@HappyDaysToCome I think you are probably right. But I don't feel we had a normal mother/daughter relationship growing up.

About 4 years ago I finally told her how she really affected me growing up and her response was to sob and say she didn't realise how much I hated her. It came at a point when I said if she didn't deal her with her issues I would stop visiting. She dealt with and has largely overcame them which is great.

But every so often my resentment creeps up again, every few years or so and I find myself treating her differently. Like I say, I think it is because she has never properly acknowledged the hurt she caused and because she has never apologised.

I think it's the change that you're not used to.

Many mothers and daughters do talk frequently/every day and know the details of each others lifestyles and what they are doing on a day to day basis.

Many others speak once a month or even less frequently and only know the highlights of each others' lives.

Neither is wrong, but you've been in in a situation where you're used to not being so intertwined with your mother so finding her attempt to be more involved confusing. Up to you whether you want to keep her a bit more at arm's length (dissuade such frequent contact) or embrace it.

You shouldn't feel you have to flee the country to escape her. I think you should just decide how much contact you'd be happy with and stick to that, unless there's a genuine emergency. Set firm boundaries and stick to them ie have a long chat with her once a week every Sunday.
She sounds a bit narcissistic.

I get it and I'm the same with my mum. It feels like she is peck, peck, pecking for information all the time even when it seems like innocuous questions.

I think I'm hanging on to a lot of resentment from my childhood as well and I just don't want her to know stuff about my life she doesn't need to be involved in.

I kind of empathise, mine just talks banal nonsense and gives me a list of who has died recently. Can you just turn off your phone volume/screen her? I phone mine once a week, she’s given up phoning me because I turn off my phone at work ( not allowed phones) and never remember to turn it back on so it’s on silent constantly.

Glad I'm not alone @soolazy

I replied and humoured her and today she messaged again asking how the night with my friends went. I honestly have zero interest in giving her a blow by blow account about my life.

I agree she is @3beesinmybonnet. I've tried explaining to some extent before but she lacks a bit of empathy and can't understand where I'm coming from.

When I lived abroad I had that distance from her but I am starting to feel suffocated. And I feel like I can't do anything except put up with it. And that makes me feel more trapped.

When she messages you could reply Busy just now will ring you Sunday. If she msg again repeat Will ring you Sunday. Then ignore further msgs and calls. Ring her for a good long chat on Sunday. I do know it's not that simple in real life. It sounds to me like she wants to control you but you are both adults on an equal footing so you have as much right to decide when you will speak to her. Maybe decide on one long chat a week and then 'allow' an extra chat in between when you feel you can cope with it. You will feel much better when you take back some control of the situation. Leaving the country is just running away from the problem. If you don't stand up to her and set boundaries she'll keep pushing you around for ever. If you keep responding you're teaching her that pestering you constantly works.