What do YOU do to keep your marriage happy?

[FunkyChickenMonkeyBusiness]

By you, I mean both you and your spouse.

I wonder about how to stay connected during the years of children.
Mine aren't so little any more, we've got through that part. Mine are all 8yrs + now.

I just feel like we do the grind of work and house stuff etc, get the kids into bed and just slump in front of screens.
We're very good at making family time, just not so good for creating us time.

I know it's never a sure thing, I just want to do my best to not come out the other side and not know my husband.
We are currently not that good, and rather coasting.

I have been married for 27 years, our marriage has survived bereavements, illnesses, babies, toddlers, teens, and now young adults. We have always worked as a team. I am “in charge of home matters”. DH “in charge” of the businesses. I don’t meant that to sound as if either of us doesn’t have in-put in both of these areas, of course we do. We have always had regular date nights, and that really helps.

DH & I are total opposites, but whatever life has thrown at us, we have always pulled together. DH has a fantastic sense of humour and always makes me laugh. We have always been faithful & honest to each other. All marriages have ups & downs, we argue sometimes too.

But most of the time we are really happy together with the lovely family we have created together.

We have 3 children and not much help. We try to get out together every couple of months for dinner, in between we have friends to ours. Other than that we have weekend dinners once the younger children are in bed with drinks and a movie. It's difficult but it's all we have for the moment.

I've been married 15 years but with DH for 21 hrs.

I think the main thing is that we still think about each other and do little things to help or please each other. Nothing that would be a big gesture really, just anticipating each other's needs like picking up some of his favourite snacks if he's had a busy day or planning a nice outing if he's been down. He will do the same for me, stick the kettle on if I'm stuck on a long call with work or sort out dinner without asking if he can see I'm busy.

By doing those small things it shows that you care and are always aware of and considerate of the other persons feelings, wants, needs and what's happening with them.

Married 11 years, together 19 years - been through some really tough times (disability, job losses, mental health issues, family issues, seriously ill children).

• Never assume that all will be fine. Keep working at it, do nice things for each other.
• Some time together, but freedom too so you can each pursue your own interests.
• Mutual respect, good communication, be kind, and don't let arguments get personal.
• Weekly dates - even throughout lockdown we've carved out one night a week where we eat a nice meal together, without the children, and another night a week we spend together watching a film, talking etc. I think things might go downhill quite quickly without that.

Have days off together when the dc are in school. We don't go anywhere but it's nice to just sit quietly together without noise or interruptions.

Keep the sex going. Once it’s gone you lose that connection.

Separate bedrooms with our own ensuites. It's the key to happiness 🙂

Lots of sex, give each other space to do our own thing, pick his socks up off the floor (I decided years ago it's not a battle worth having & the only person it pissed off was me). Be each other's best friend which includes telling the other when they are being a complete dick. Most importantly back each other up with the kids, even if you don't agree put on a united front & talk about it privately.

We talk a lot about stuff other than the kids. We do nice little things (cups of tea, thoughtful gifts), we are very honest but also turn a blind eye to the little things (I go up a dress size, he sprouts truly horrific facial hair). We laugh a lot together.

Recently now the kids are top end of primary and more independent we have more sex. It did go down the priority list when they were small but it's back on the cards much more now. We don't ever ever poo in front I each other.

Not saying my marriage is super happy but we have always made some time to go out for a coffee in a nice local cafe and that's something we both enjoy. We both like walking the dog so we go together when we can and that's quite fun and gives you time for a chat.
So I think you don't need to spend ages but a bit of one to one time is important and doing something you enjoy. Also my DH can be quite a difficult character but I try to remember the good things he has done to help me when he annoys me over something which is quite often! If your dh treats you badly don't just accept that you deserve to be well treated, but most people can be a bit annoying day to day so in that case try to overlook the small things and remember their good side.

@Midnightballerina OMG I do that with the socks too. I decided ages ago it wasn't a battle worth fighting

Other thing is we take time to thank and appreciate each other. I do coaching and that way of giving feedback and asking questions/not being judgemental has filtered through into our marriage. We both do it now, I can see at times him consciously thinking about how to frame something he wants to tell me that in the past would have come out as a bit negative. We say thank you a lot too which is a huge help

@cashmerecardigans - I also move his golf bag from the hallway & put them in the garage. I can spend a week squeezing by them & cursing him or take 3 mins & move them. Life's to short

I think communication is the main one, and you have to deliberately make time for it. Can you have a night or two at least with no screens? Either drink coffee/wine and just talk, or maybe do a project together... DIY? Something where you can talk over it. Make sure you have 'chat' where it's just fun, but also make sure you regularly ask seriously how each other are, about work, life, and your relationship. Talk any issues through before they become big ones.

Also showing love all the time in whatever way you prefer. Physical touch that isn't sex... brushing hands when passing in corridor, sitting squished together on the sofa, rubbing feet/neck etc. Small gifts out of the blue. Midday texts just saying I love you.

I'm assuming by "currently not that good" you mean you are in a bit of a relationship rut rather than that's there's anything fundamentally wrong with your relationship, OP? (Or indeed any abuse?)

If it's just that you've been slogging away at day to day life (which can be really hard and draining and seemingly endless, especially when you have young kids) then everything everyone has suggested above will help - but I guess the big question is how to get started. By which I mean, how to open up a conversation with your husband. (By all means, I'm sure if you singular started doing some of these things they would help, but it would be a lot better if you were both pulling in the same direction, so to speak!)

So... Do you feel you could pretty much tell your husband what you've written here, that you feel you're both really good at creating and participating in great quality time with the whole family but now the kids are a little older you would like to invest a bit more time and energy in the two of you as a couple again as well?

I'm sure you've seen it recommended on here before but The Five Love Languages is a good book (basic premise: people give and experience love in different ways which from memory are quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving and acts of service - people tend to naturally offer love in the way they prefer to receive it - if you have different primary love languages this may cause one person to feel unloved even though the other person does love them and believes they are showing them love - this is easily solved by learning your partner's love languages and doing more of those things for them - I have oversimplified this and I'm sure there could be more than five languages but you get the general idea of what the book is saying), if you're looking for something specifically related to improving your relationship to do together then you could (separately) read a chapter a week and discuss it over a meal together?

Or a few years ago my husband and I did The Marriage Course which is run by lots of churches (it's not a Christian thing, it's one of their community things like running baby groups or lunch clubs for the elderly). Each week there is a topic like differing communication styles, how to resolve conflict, money, parents and in laws and so on. We weren't experiencing any problems in our relationship, we were just thinking about trying for a baby and thought it would be a good time to do something like that. There were around ten couples there but there is no group stuff, you just sit in your couple (it was quite sweet actually, they set up small tables in the church with tablecloths and candles and everything and did a meal so every week it felt like a proper date). I think quite a lot of people go who are experiencing more difficulties in their relationships so if you're wanting something more structured then that might be a good option.

But I think the important thing is to open up the idea with your husband, because if he feels the same as you there are loads of really simple things you can do to improve your relationship (we always have a television programme on the go that we are watching together, we go out for lunch dates when the grandparents visit and can have the baby etc.).

Im sorry this has ended up like War and Peace! (Which does mainly seem to be about relationships...)

I really appreciate all of these answers, thank you.

I see quite a few similar ones on here too.