What chores do your DC do?

[NightOwl19]

I have an 8 YO DC and 2 DSDC that are 7 and 9.

None of them do any chores and will happily drop their rubbish on the floor or leave it in their room and tell me where it is to clean it up, but wouldn't for their dad.

Over the last few weeks I've been doing a lot less for them trying to force responsibility but it isn't going to well so I need a chore list they can all be responsible for. The only thing any of them care about is screen time, they get pocket money off grandparents and we haven't allowed them to spend money from chrismtas because they don't look after or appricate anything they have.

Please can MN help me with ideas to create a chore list

At those ages, mine were making their bed in the morning, dirty clothes to the machine or hamper, putting dishes in the dishwasher after meals and emptying when clean, picking up their toys after use and any rubbish they make, emptying thier lunch boxes, keeping their rooms relatively tidy.

Stand firm and make very clear rules and the consequences for if they don't follow them. There is no reason on earth they can't do their age appropriate fair share.

Thank you, I think we have both lost perspective on what they are able and should be doing and that needs to change

At that age

• get stuff ready for school

• keep room tidy
• tidy up living room before bed
• put dirty clothes in washing basket
• take clean washing up and put away
• hoover own room
• take turns laying table and wiping after dinner
• put dishes in dishwasher

@UserAtRandom

At that age - get stuff ready for school

• keep room tidy
• tidy up living room before bed
• put dirty clothes in washing basket
• take clean washing up and put away
• hoover own room
• take turns laying table and wiping after dinner
• put dishes in dishwasher

Thank you

At 9, my DD was a bit up and down but was middle of covid lockdown so some weeks she did loads, other weeks I allowed things to slide. When she turned 10, she got a new list, things that are "basics of living" and the rest is "contributing to family life".

The basics are what she should do without me asking or prompting, because I am not her slave, and it is absurd she doesnt do these things herself:

• ensure any litter she creates goes in the correct bin
• keep her school bag tidy and make sure homework goes in on time
• tidy up after her craft activities
• take responsibility to charge the iPad
• put her coats and shoes away
• keep her room tidy, dust it and vacuum it (in fairness I redo the dusting and vacuuming but at least she tries)
• take plates etc to the counter by the sink
• dirty clothes into the laundry basket

Extras are:

• water the house plants
• help with her little brother when asked
• sweep the trampoline clear of leaves
• vacuum the lounge

@RainingZen

At 9, my DD was a bit up and down but was middle of covid lockdown so some weeks she did loads, other weeks I allowed things to slide. When she turned 10, she got a new list, things that are "basics of living" and the rest is "contributing to family life".

The basics are what she should do without me asking or prompting, because I am not her slave, and it is absurd she doesnt do these things herself:

• ensure any litter she creates goes in the correct bin
• keep her school bag tidy and make sure homework goes in on time
• tidy up after her craft activities
• take responsibility to charge the iPad
• put her coats and shoes away
• keep her room tidy, dust it and vacuum it (in fairness I redo the dusting and vacuuming but at least she tries)
• take plates etc to the counter by the sink
• dirty clothes into the laundry basket

Extras are:

• water the house plants
• help with her little brother when asked
• sweep the trampoline clear of leaves
• vacuum the lounge

Your basics are exactly what I want them to do but for some reason it like mission impossible. They Chuck their shoes/stuff where they like anc expect me to move it. DSC for some reason expect me to get their pants, socks etc layed out for them even though I've never done it but everytime their dad tells them go and get this out your draw they'll come to me and ask for it.

Tidy their room. Make and strip their beds. Put clothes in the washing basket. Put away clean clothes. Clear the table. Empty the dishwasher.
In school holidays they do a bit more like vacuuming and dusting.

If they’re not in the habit of having to do those things it will take a good few months of constant nagging to turn it into a habit but it’ll come.

At 9 my oldest would (and still does luckily)
Bring down washing and put in basket
Bring down rubbish, cups, plates (if he doesn't food and drink is banned in his room)
Prepares sports bag and school bag
Gets self ready, teeth, hair etc
Runs hoover round his room and attempt to dust
Washes or helps to dry dishes

@NightOwl19 what do you say when they come and ask you for it? You should be just saying "your dad asked you to get that out of the drawer, please go and do that". Present a united front, they currently see you as the weak link. If you just reiterate what their dad has said they'll have to do it themselves and over time they'll get bored of asking you because it doesn't benefit them in any way.

I don't ever get it and just reply with something along the lines of "dad asked you to get that if there's a problem I'm sure your dad will help when you ask him" and that's it.

I've had to stop my Dc from eating in their room because instead of walking a few feet to the bin they were stuffing wrappers under the mattress and down the side of the bed.

With regards to chores of the basics aren't completed is there a consequence?

All I ask is rooms are tidy, dirty laundry in the basket and dishes taken away after eating,

They know how to do other jobs so will be fine as adults but they are children for such a short period of time and I want them to enjoy the freedom before adult commitments set in.

At 7-9, my children usually did regularly:
Putting their things away, cleaning up spills and messes
Dirty clothes in hamper, bringing the clothes or stripped bedding down when asked and taking their clothes back up (would need help fully making their beds but could do the putting pillows back and folding down the duvets though didn't do it so regularly)
"Make the washing machine spin" - turning the washing machine dial to 'Spin and Drain' and restarting it after it finishes a wash cycle to get more water of them.
Hanging small items on the lower part of the airer (we have a vertical airer as well as a drying line, so my younger kids hang lighter items like tea towels and - sometimes to their amusement - their underwear).
Taking dishes and things to the sink and cleaning cutlery and cleaning plastic cups they've used and wiping down plates they'd used for sandwiches and things, not the heavily soiled stuff
Making their breakfast from items put out (though some help if they're using the microwave)
Making a basic lunch for themselves and others - wrap or sandwich plus a couple of side things that are mostly pre-prepared.

We'd do 'ten tidies' or 'twenty tidies' where I'd put a timer on and they'd have to pick up or clean in a particular area for the time (often in separate areas to keep the giggling distractions down). Even now (my kids are 9-16), I find it useful when we're all doing the things and then we all have a break or do something together after and also to have one as a "helper" for me and/or their father so they can be taught how to do a particular task as sometimes it seems obvious to us, but we've run into a few times where it's not so obvious to them.

Irregularly at that age, I'd give them the skirting boards or cleaning marks off the floor or other low down things, hoovering particularly if they've made a mess, they liked to do the windows sometimes, again usually as a helper for me so they're doing that while I'm cleaning something nearby if only to help keep them on task.

Here, similarly aged DC will put clothes in laundry, tidy bedroom, pack/unpack bags, tidy up after their activities or meals. But most of those require prompting. Often more than once. Is that normal? I would love to move to it being done without any prompting but chicken out in the end as not prompting means they go to school without water bottle/sunscreen or have no clean uniform as it didn’t go in the wash in time…
Can also hoover, mop, put on and empty washing machine and dish washer, water the garden. But none of those are regular chores.

I think, from where you are now, what you need to work on ( Together with your dh) is them responding when you ask them to do something.
So you say they "chuck their shoes wherever they want and expect me to move it"..... well you need to literally pick them up on that as they take their shoes off. Don't stand for it. Whatever your rule is, enforce it there and then every single time and be clear that no screens go on until the shoes are wherever they need to be.

To my mind, there is no point in starting with a list of chores until they understand you mean what you say and it is not negotiable.

Then you and your dh need to model expected behaviour (clearing the table at end of meal maybe?) and insist they do the same - no-one leaves until they have put their plate and cutlery in the dishwasher or whatever you expect. Start small and build up, but whatever it is you are expecting them to do, you both need to enforce. Every. Single. Time . until it is just habit. Then add the next bit.

I have an 11 yo who is very reluctant. She doen't have a list as such as tbh that would just end up being a big fight. She cleans out her rabbits with reminders and support.
I remind her to clear up after herself, which she does if I am very casual and not at all annoyed in the way that I ask her. She joins in with a part of a joint effort to clear away after dinner. I used to ask her to set table, but got fed up of her saying no.
She will change the bed sheets on her bed if I am there to help her.
I definitely use the 'You can watch xyz when task has been done'.
She also tries ordering me around like a slave. I kindly remind her that she has the skills to do it herself.

@BackforGood

I think, from where you are now, what you need to work on ( Together with your dh) is them responding when you ask them to do something. So you say they "chuck their shoes wherever they want and expect me to move it"..... well you need to literally pick them up on that as they take their shoes off. Don't stand for it. Whatever your rule is, enforce it there and then every single time and be clear that no screens go on until the shoes are wherever they need to be.

To my mind, there is no point in starting with a list of chores until they understand you mean what you say and it is not negotiable.

Then you and your dh need to model expected behaviour (clearing the table at end of meal maybe?) and insist they do the same - no-one leaves until they have put their plate and cutlery in the dishwasher or whatever you expect. Start small and build up, but whatever it is you are expecting them to do, you both need to enforce. Every. Single. Time . until it is just habit. Then add the next bit.

Thank you this is really good advice and I agree it's about establishing that if I say something then it needs to be done and not ignored.

It's so demoralising feeling like all they see me as is a slave to clean up after them or if they want something.

DD12 does very little - she struggles with executive function which doesn’t help. She has got better over the last few months & has been brilliant at clearing out her room ( she had the incentive of a friend coming for a sleepover). But we can’t get her to help with everyday chores eg hoovering etc. She does cook for herself as she doesn’t feel comfortable eating with us. Her washing is a work in progress. At the moment clean & dirty clothes all get mixed up!