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Original poster

I wish I’d said different things to therapist

34 replies

adeleh · 24/06/2021 22:40

My therapist had to stop work abruptly a few weeks ago and offered a closing session. In it she asked if there was anything I wanted to say or ask, and I just couldn’t say or ask the things I wanted to. The thing I most want to know is ‘Do you like me?’, but how can you ask a therapist that, because they are hardly going to say no, are they. And if she said yes I wouldn’t believe her. Does anyone else feel that in therapy?

And she’s given me much more than she knows. I wish I’d found a way of telling her that.

OP posts:
something2say · 24/06/2021 22:43

Ah bless you. I used to hate ending my work with clients. I was a DV advisor for many years and I know full well some of my ladies weren't ready to stop coming, but due to incoming workload, we had to close cases.

What might you have liked to say to her?

Original poster
adeleh · 24/06/2021 22:47

That sometimes she made me feel safer than I’d ever imagined feeling.

That must have been horrible for you having to close cases like that.

OP posts:
Undersnatch · 24/06/2021 22:50

Could you send her an email? Tell her she doesn’t need to reply but say what you want to say?

something2say · 24/06/2021 22:51

Ah that's lovely, that's so good that you felt safe with her. Its telling too. Your thinking must be good then? You've laid it all out to her and it was ok?

Original poster
adeleh · 24/06/2021 22:53

I didn’t really lay it all out, but maybe more than I expected.

I wondered about an email, but she’s got a lot on and it would feel a bit intrusive maybe. I’ve absorbed all the boundary rules!

OP posts:
Wombat24 · 24/06/2021 22:54

I did ask a therapist if they liked me.

They asked me what I thought...I often think about it.

That man changed my life for the better in very few sessions.

Pinchoftums · 24/06/2021 22:55

Just send a card saying thank you for all her help. Then no pressure to respond.

Original poster
adeleh · 24/06/2021 22:56

That’s a good idea, pinch.

wombat I’d have hated that answer. How did you feel when he said that?

OP posts:
Polecat03 · 24/06/2021 22:56

Could you perhaps send her a Thank You card?
It could let her know that she made you feel safe, she's doing her job well (sounds like you felt she helped you). That might give you some closure and allow you to pass on the things you wished you'd said that are actually beneficial - you are right about the "do you like me' bit and that's probably something to reflect on.

Original poster
adeleh · 24/06/2021 22:58

She does do her job well. Yes, thank you polecat.

OP posts:
Pandasarecool · 24/06/2021 23:08

I’d probably send a thank you card or email. Worded in a light ‘just wanted to say’ type way. I’m sure she’d be thrilled to know she helped you so much.

Howmanysleepsnow · 24/06/2021 23:19

Yes, I think she likes you. A good relationship with mutual respect/ affinity is the strongest indicator for success of therapy. It sounds like yours went well.

Original poster
adeleh · 24/06/2021 23:30

Thank you pandas and howmany. That’s kind. It did go well in many ways I think, but ended very suddenly because of something happening in her life. In some ways it felt as if it were only just getting going.

OP posts:
newtolineofduty · 24/06/2021 23:42

As a therapist I don't think it's crossing a boundary to send a thank you card. I'm sure she would very much appreciate it no matter what's happening in her life. Therapists rarely get cards (not just me!) and it's so much appreciated when we do x I think patients often feel they can't/shouldn't send them for some reason x it sounds like it might be helpful for you to say thank you too-like a kind of closure?

Sorry to hear it had to come to an abrupt end, that's always difficult xxx

Inthetropics · 24/06/2021 23:46

I'm a therapist and i adore 80% of my patients. I could actually be very close friends with a few of them. Some patients have changed my life forever and have taught me a lot. Some have asked me if i liked them and i've had some lovely cards and maybe 4 or 5 letters given to me on closing sessions. It's such an interesting work!

PineappleMojito · 24/06/2021 23:54

I’m a psychologist and therapist and my view is that at a very fundamental level, therapy is about love. I mean obviously not the inappropriate kind, I mean therapeutic love, which also includes boundaries. There has been something loveable about every single patient I’ve ever worked with. Even the ones who throw shade at me and push my buttons!

LunaTheCat · 25/06/2021 00:05

@PineappleMojito

I’m a psychologist and therapist and my view is that at a very fundamental level, therapy is about love. I mean obviously not the inappropriate kind, I mean therapeutic love, which also includes boundaries. There has been something loveable about every single patient I’ve ever worked with. Even the ones who throw shade at me and push my buttons!
Yes, absolutely. I am a GP and I have a regard and love for a majority of my patients. I keep the thank-you cards and I read them when I have had an extremely tough day. Send a card with what you have said here.
Original poster
adeleh · 25/06/2021 00:41

Thank you, all. Maybe I will send a card, then. I just wouldn't want her to think I was trying to prompt some kind of response, which I know isn't possible once therapy has stopped. It's really helpful to hear from you all that she might actually like a card.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 25/06/2021 00:46

I had support when my child was born from a community nurse over more than a year, it ended abruptly due to her health. I was devastated. I sent a long letter and small gift to her office. We bumped into each other at a funeral four years later - we hugged and both got a little teary. I think a thank you card sounds lovely and will hopefully provide some closure for you.

Kanaloa · 25/06/2021 00:46

It’s my experience that unlikeable people rarely consider whether people like them or not. If you think about how others feel about you then you probably consider their feelings and so I bet you are a likeable person.

I’m sure she liked you otherwise you wouldn’t have built such a lovely relationship with her.

Zimmerframe123 · 25/06/2021 00:52

Do whatever YOU want for YOU!

You have once chance at this. Stop second guessing, do what feels right for you.

funktion · 25/06/2021 00:53

Hi Adeleh, yes I have similar thoughts, my therapist praises me, lets me know how well I am doing but I’m no good with compliments, I think she’s just saying it, I awkwardly thank her & always thank her for all her help at the end of every session. I think a thank you card or email would be nice.

I always wondered if it would be appropriate to send my therapist a Christmas card, I’ve been seeing her for over 2 years now, she is a lovely kind person who has helped me so much, because of her I see that there is good in this world.

Original poster
adeleh · 25/06/2021 00:57

Good point, zimmer!

I think your therapist would love a Christmas card funktion and am interested that I have no hesitation in giving you that advice, so maybe shouldn't get hung up on following the same advice from others! And I bet you are doing really well - she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it.

OP posts:
Original poster
adeleh · 25/06/2021 00:59

Thanks kanaloa and britinaus - that's really helpful. That's a lovely story about your community nurse!

OP posts:
IdblowJonSnow · 25/06/2021 01:06

I think an email or card would be fine.

They will understand how you're feeling following the abrupt ending. They are trained to deal with endings, boundaries and every other thing. Don't feel bad, just be honest. It might help you to get a little closure on your too sudden ending. There is every chance they are also unsettled by it.

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