DDs Father made contact after 3 years

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DDs (age 11) dad (my ex husband) went no contact with her and me with no explanation after a rubbish visit she had with him 3 years ago.

DD emailed him in Jan to ask why, no response but a call from his mother to say he thought it was best to have no contact.

Just had an email from him asking her if she'd like to chat.

I'm shaking, no idea what's the best thing to do. Any advice please?

What does your DD want?

Until the DC's were old enough to manage the relationship themselves, I just kept asking ex for consistency. They never got it, and they eventually gave up on trying to keep the relationship going. They're adults and think he's a twat now.

I've not told her yet. Need to take it all in and work through the options. She suffers horrifically with anxiety and the last trip to see him it took about a year to get her back to normal so I can't risk that again.

Whatever you decide its going to be massively stressful for you both, I don't know why they think its ok to do this.

I think I'd email back saying no she doesn't after you got your Mother to pass on the message that you were going no contact.

What a twat he is.

But I'm afraid it's not your decision.

It's not your decision, it's your daughters.

I'm sorry but I disagree! It is your decision. She's 11. An 11 year old who's already been abandoned by her father and then when he decided he did want to have contact disappeared! I think you have to evaluate her mental state and if you think she'd cope well whatever the outcome may be of her chatting with him again. Sometimes it can do more harm than good. This is coming from a 30 something year old woman who's dad was in and out of her life and ive only recently ( last year ) decided to go completely no contact because I can't keep going through the emotional struggle!

I'd do nothing and see if he contacts you/her again. If he doesn't then he's going to flakey, if he does then you can ask him to write her a letter and she can have some input.

Have you asked him what his reason for no contact has been in response to his email?

He needs to explain himself but it is your daughters decision.

@HollyBollyBooBoo

I've not told her yet. Need to take it all in and work through the options. She suffers horrifically with anxiety and the last trip to see him it took about a year to get her back to normal so I can't risk that again.

I would email him to tell him exactly what you've said here and ask him to explain himself. If he messes you around and disappears before replying then you've saved your dd heartache.

Agree with @underneaththeash. I've been in this situation, and I'd very much let the dust settle on this initial contact, then see what happens.
This gives you a chance to gather your thoughts and set out your own response plan. After 3 years, this could just be a wild stab in the dark from him, to test the water. If he was a committed parent, then the past three years would have been very different. Your daughter's anxiety is your first concern, so buy yourself some time.
Good luck. I know how hard this is.

I would tell him to fuck off. He cannot decide to go NC and then change HIS mind because HE feels like it - even his own mother told you he was NC. Don't let him into your lives again. Protect your DD and her mental health. She doesn't need this deadbeat in her life. My money is on him getting a new girlfriend, she's found out he's a dad and he wants to impress her by playing happy families. Nope.

I'd suggest indirect contact e.g. sending cards or letters every couple of weeks for a couple of months. See if he can stick with that before having a go at anything face to face.

Thanks all for your input, so much to think about. Don't think it's the new girlfriend option as he's been married with 2 kids for a while.

I'm going to think about it for a bit longer before I do anything.

I would try to encourage and facilitate a relationship between them. If you don't, he'll be able be able to say (to her, if they meet when she's older, and to others now) that you stopped them having contact. In terms of her best interests, I gather that the evidence is that, in the absence of serious abuse, children do do better in life if they have a relationship with both parents.

@stompythedinosaur has made a good suggestion. You could suggest regular indirect contact, e.g. exchanging of letters/cards, first. If he sticks to that, you could progress to phone calls and then to meeting, eventually. If he's flaky, he won't stick to that. If he has genuinely seen the error of his ways and wants to make amends and have a relationship with DD, he will stay the course.

The fact that he has kids with his new wife makes it even more despicable that he’s had no contact with your DD. How old are these kids OP? Do you think seeing them growing up has made him realise he’s been a massive twat towards your DD?

I think the indirect route is probably the best one as suggested by PP.

My niece and nephew went through similar and it was awful for them. The ex blamed my SIL for the poor relationship but it was his own making.