Do you have consequences at home for bad behaviour in school?

Sirzy · 24/06/2021 20:29

On the whole no I wouldn’t punish. I would discuss what has happened but punishment at school would be enough (obviously if it was severe enough to lead to being suspended then there would be no technology/fun for the time of the suspension)

JackieTheFart · 24/06/2021 20:30

I’m not sure I’d be letting him stall you by getting upset. He’s upset because he knows he’s done wrong and may be punished again. I don’t think he needs a double punishment but he absolutely needs a stern talking to as soon after the action as possible, so it’s fresh in his mind.

PatchyTwat · 24/06/2021 20:31

No.

I speak to them, which is what you are doing. I’ve only had to twice, once when she was name calling and the boys mum felt it was bullying. We had a long discussion and she wrote an apology note, she was truly contrite and learnt some empathy. The other was pushing, that one I learned that the build up was to be fair deserved but she could have dealt with it better.

Minor stuff I either don’t know or their sister dobs them in and school have dealt with so I left it!

toolazytothinkofausername · 24/06/2021 20:32

No. The school punishes them. That is enough.

Clymene · 24/06/2021 20:32

No, not if they're being punished at school. But I would want to get to the bottom of what happened and why and try to stop it happening again

Original poster

janopolisdeNorthEast · 24/06/2021 20:41

Thanks all. I absolutely do want to get to the bottom of it. I've emailed school to ask for more information and for a meeting. This needs to be nipped in the bud now. He's not an angel by any means but he's not (or I didn't think he was) the fighting type so I need more context. My poor blood pressure

OP posts:

MumBowJumBow · 24/06/2021 21:02

No, I wouldn't. Sit on your hands for a bit. It sounds like something more is going on.
Sometimes you have to listen to what's not being said

ChocolateRiver · 24/06/2021 21:02

I’m going against the majority here, but I would punish at home also. Maybe not for a first offence but definitely if poor behaviour is persistent. I would want my child to know I support the school. They cannot change behaviour on their own.

ChocolateRiver · 24/06/2021 21:05

But it does depend on what sort of poor behaviour is going on and the reason for it.

Original poster

janopolisdeNorthEast · 24/06/2021 21:32

@JackieTheFart

I’m not sure I’d be letting him stall you by getting upset. He’s upset because he knows he’s done wrong and may be punished again. I don’t think he needs a double punishment but he absolutely needs a stern talking to as soon after the action as possible, so it’s fresh in his mind.

I've got him to talk to me about it, I wouldn't take no for an answer. Now I'll see what the school say. I won't be punishing him at home as I think the school have done what's needed. He knows I love him but I do not expect to be having this conversation ever again.

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FindingMeno · 24/06/2021 21:35

No.
Because
a) the school has already punished
b) the schools standards are not always necessarily my own
c) I find myself more and more feeling punishment doesn't work

babbi · 24/06/2021 21:37

I would punish him also .
It’s your responsibility to teach him good behaviour and what is acceptable. Shouldn’t leave it all to the school .
Just my opinion of course ,,, we all parent differently

FindingMeno · 24/06/2021 21:38

If he is getting really upset I would pull back completely on any thought of punishment anyway and try to get him to open up on what's going on.

thefourgp · 24/06/2021 21:49

Yes, I would. Of course you need to have a discussion about what’s causing him to be violent and address any underlying problems/difficulties he’s having. But you also need to punish him for being violent to make it crystal clear to him that behaviour will not be tolerated by the school and it won’t be tolerated by you either. You say this isn’t the first time he’s gotten into a fight. Telling him not to do it again is not taking a strong enough stance on the matter.

justanotherneighinparadise · 24/06/2021 21:52

This literally happened last week and yes he lost some things for a period of time as a result.

Original poster

janopolisdeNorthEast · 24/06/2021 21:52

@thefourgp

Yes, I would. Of course you need to have a discussion about what’s causing him to be violent and address any underlying problems/difficulties he’s having. But you also need to punish him for being violent to make it crystal clear to him that behaviour will not be tolerated by the school and it won’t be tolerated by you either. You say this isn’t the first time he’s gotten into a fight. Telling him not to do it again is not taking a strong enough stance on the matter.

We don't know what has happened before as the school haven't told us. So I don't know what consequences have been put in place / what's been done to address the incidents that have happened before today. I've had DS's side, now I need to hear from the school.

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Sleepingdogs12 · 24/06/2021 22:24

I think it depends on what they've done. Talking too much, messing about, missing homework I wouldn't give a consequence at home too. Being unkind, bullying, violence then I would also give a consequence at home as well but also try to get the bottom of what is going on and support them to do things differently.

Fucket · 25/06/2021 06:32

I think if the school are involving you, they are expecting you to parent him for his poor behaviour.

If you leave it entirely up to the school, be aware he may get suspended from school or even expelled if he doesn’t change his behaviour. Doesn’t sound like a one off situation so definitely needs looking into.

I would want to find out why my son is fighting, I’d want a meeting with the teacher and I’d want my son with me. I’d want my son to see that I’m on the side of the teachers that you agree he needs punishments for his actions. It maybe a combination of both at home and in school.

I would absolutely want to avoid a situation where my son felt he could do whatever he liked at school and mum doesn’t really mind, and the school thinking I was one of those parents who can only see their child as anything but a special angel.

I know you don’t see him as 100% angel but it’s all about perceptions.

HelloDulling · 25/06/2021 06:40

For fighting, I would be giving an absolute bollocking. If you don’t want to punish at home, you need to at least make clear that you support school in their punishment, and that you are furious/disappointed etc. If it’s not the first time, he’s clearly not that bothered about the way school dealt with it, so make it clear that you are happy for a harsher punishment from them. But yes, wait and see what they say.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 25/06/2021 06:42

At this stage just a discussion at home. Ask him how he would feel if someone did it to you, pushed you etc. Tell him it isn't just unacceptable in school but also unacceptable in society. We are not allowed to put our hands on someone in anger. The police would be involved.

Try to give him strategies for calming down, walking away, telling a teacher or dinner lady about what is happening that causes the fights.

Lulu1919 · 25/06/2021 06:53

I would punish at home too
Could be no iPads etc for a two days after school back when I was a child I'd have been sent to bed early with no pudding !!!
I'd also talk through what happened and tell them how disappointed I was

Whataroyalannoyance · 25/06/2021 08:03

@janopolisdeNorthEast

DS (10) is in trouble for fighting. Seems like it's not a one off though we were only informed today. The school have put consequences/ punishments in place. We've tried to speak to DS to get more info but at the moment he's just getting really upset when we try to discuss is so we need to wait, and also get more info from the school about the build up to this.

So, do we now have consequences at home too? Or as he's been punished at school, he shouldn't be punished twice for the same thing?

He's not going to "just get away with it". There's lots more discussion to be had when the time is right and he knows I'm furious. But should we do more?

If it is not a one off then yes I would be punishing for it. If the school have already applied sanctions (which tbh isn't going to be much as they don't have many options) then I would be making sure he knew I was totally supportive of their message.