Has anyone grown apart from their DM/DF for no real reason?

[thewinehasgonetomyhead]

Just that really... I'm 38, don't live in my hometown anymore (haven't since I was 20), my DM is still there, DB also moved away. I just feel as I'm getting older and have started my own family, I'm just very different from my DM. Not necessarily in a bad way, we're just very different. I'm quite social and like having a houseful of friends/family whereas my DM is quite quiet and not keen on much interaction with others. We're just very different people in a lot of ways.

COVID hasn't helped.. obviously less visits has kind of really shown our differences and it's made her introvert more than ever. We live far away, so overnight stays are a must really, but despite having two vaccinations she won't stay overnight or come indoors/have us indoors.

We're due to move even further away at the end of this year due to work commitments, however we'll then be staying there forever, and I just feel like we're literally moving further and further apart in many ways.

I really identify with this. I live at a distance from my DPs, who are geographically much closer to my DSis and DB. Covid has really emphasised the distance and has highlighted a lot of stuff in our relationship for me, most of which I don’t feel able to discuss with her.

In our case, I think it’s a number of factors - my life is very different from what hers was like at the same stage and I don’t think that helps. I also feel like she is getting older and that’s making her thinking more rigid - she is becoming much less accepting of anyone having a different opinion or emotional response from her, which I do think is an age thing. I have had a very different experience of becoming a parent from her - it has exacerbated MH problems for me - and she just doesn’t understand (or want to know).

But to be honest, what has just become really obvious to me is that she isn’t interested in me any more. When I look back, this predates me having kids but it has accelerated since the DCs came along. She is fascinated by them, loves them, is very close to the older one - and is an excellent grandparent. But she would never suggest trying to spend time with just me, and it’s rare that we even have phone calls. I actually find it really hurtful.

@MyCatWouldChaseYourCat I'm sorry you are having this experience with your DM.

Do you wish you were closer? I don't feel like I wish I was with my DM, I feel more accepting that this is how it's going to be for us. She's struggling with us moving further away, to the point where it's now the elephant in the room which no one talks about. It's all very strange and to be honest I just dont feel like I can put anymore energy into it.

We used to be really close and it makes me sad. Especially as she has a diagnosis (I’m not going to go into details because it’s getting a bit outing), which means that we don’t have unlimited time. But it feels futile to bring much of this up. I mean, if she doesn’t like the adult I am, there’s not a lot I can do about that, is there?

She is in a different place from your DM and is actually very supportive on a practical level but it’s the lack of emotional support I’m struggling with.

But I really identify with how the distance affects things and how Covid has emphasised that distance. It has become really pronounced for us. It’s also become increasingly clear that I have to make all the effort in terms of travel if I want to see my siblings. There are some extenuating circumstances here but the bottom line is that it’s easier for everyone else if we travel (although driving a not inconsiderable distance with two young children is not the easy option for me!). Again, it makes me feel that I/we are not “enough” on some level to be worth making the effort for, which is silly in many ways but it’s just how it makes me feel.

Yes, I've had a very similar experience. I'm 50 and DDad died 10 years ago and I think that her grief was a bit of a catalyst that affected our relationship since I live a long way away (she has a close and good relationship with my siblings who live close to her). I became a parent around the same time and she hasn't shown masses of interest, she was great when they were first born and remembers birthdays etc but when she comes to visit she does nothing with the DC (MIL does lots) and is definitely more invested in DBro's DC who live nearby. Career wise obviously I had much greater opportunities than she did and have done well so my career is important to me and she doesn't ever ask about it and doesn't really understand it (I'm a senior scientist in pharma, ironically the pandemic has finally increased my families interest in what I do). She was well educated but obviously was expected to give up work on pregnancy and didn't return to (PT) work till 20 years later. She would never express any regrets about her life but I wonder what she would have done if societal expectations had been different and how her absorbance of what a middle class woman was expected to do affect how she views me who earns more than my husband.

Agree with a PP that some people can become quite rigid in their thinking with age and with living alone and that's definitely a factor. I also think we all expect so much from our mothers and they have had such different experiences from us it's no wonder they come up short.

Much of what Mycat says resonates as well, we are the branch of the family who is always expected to travel and some of the tone deaf comments are hilarious, a child in the family had to go to A&E and the parent had both DC in A&E for 20 minutes before local GM could pick the sibling up. This was told to me even though I have a child with a chronic health conditions that has been in and out of hospital for years with no family support.