Anyone moved to a different school because the school/class didn't suit their DC?

[QuizzicalTikTok]

We have a DS he is in year 1. Not had a great start to his school career thanks to covid. But it's also just been hard.

For a bit of background, our DS attended a private day nursery. He did brilliantly. He adored it. Went in every day with a smile. We never ever once had any issues with his behaviour. Nothing at all. He was in the pre school for two years as he's a September birthday. He loved pre school, he loved learning and playing. He's a bright boy, no genius by mumsnet standards but he could read before he started reception and has a real thirst for knowledge. He's a bit of a geek. We thought he'd love school.

We picked our local school. It's got a great reputation. It's academic and very structured. All the local children go and people move to the area for the school.

But his class are wild. And he started having issues just before covid last year. Lots of silliness, lots of low level disruption from him. He changed almost overnight. Doesn't ever want to go to school. Makes a fuss every morning. Gets told off all the time at school, he's constantly missing playtime. He says lots of other children do too. From what I've seen at pick up and drop off, his class are not at all easy. All the boys are incredibly boisterous and loud. The teacher seems to really struggle with them from what we can see. Other parents have mentioned this.

We suspect he has some underlying sen, either ASD or ADHD. We have long suspected this for a variety of reasons. We have openly asked school, especially in view of the behaviour issues, but they say he's 'totally normal'. But despite being totally normal, he's clearly struggling to behave at school. Wether its because he's mirroring the behaviour of his peers or because of underlying SEN, I'm surprised they haven't actually suggested doing anything about it. Not even a star chart has been put in place. I just keep being told, oh he didn't have a great morning. Whilst I am being told this I can literally see his peers whacking each other round their heads with their bookbags. He's not the only one, I'm sure.

We have thought about moving him, to a much smaller school. It's less academic and rigid but still has a good reputation. It's a walk away but not far.

But we have no idea if that will make it any better. What if the class is worse? What is the teachers are worse? But equally what if the class are much calmer and better behaved. What if they would be willing to take time to see him and appreciate he likely has some underlying sen?

My DH says we just leave him to it. That's what school is like. I'm not so sure. He's not happy, he doesn't really have any friends, he's misbehaving. Something is not right - surely it can't be much worse?!

Anyone done this and able to tell me their experience?

And before I get flamed. I'm not denying that he is behaving badly. I'm not denying he is part of the problem at all. I know he is part of the reason why the class are hard work. But I don't think he's the only reason, or the main instigator.

I'd move him.

I'd move him, if you suspect sen then a smaller class and a school that can recognise sen and give extra support will be worth it's weight in gold!

I moved my DS for similar reasons in Year 4. He thrived in a calmer, smaller environment.

It sounds like it would benefit your DS :)

We put dc's into a school with an amazing reputation, academic disciplined etc - a long, long time ago - when I thought these things were an indicator of a good school. It was a dreadful school that lacked care, empathy and compassion for children - the place was toxic. I knew in Reception that it wasn't a healthy place but it took till end of Year 2 before I finally had the courage to make the move. I still am friendly with the Mum's from that school - 10 years on - they now admit to regretting not moving their kids - shit went on that no one wanted to mention at the time - they talk about it now though.

I moved my youngest but that was because the whole ethos/state of the school was shocking.

If you’re happy generally, would it be worth seeing what happens when they have a new teacher in September?

@Hairymoohead this is really interesting. The school he is currently at is not at all nurturing really. Some of the individual teachers are wonderful, but it's almost a bigger picture thing?

I'm saddened and relieved that most people have suggested moving him.

We won't get smaller class sizes as private isn't an option at the moment - it could be in a few years but we'd be really really stretched until then and it's too big a risk.

We'd go for another local school which is just 1 or 2 form entry. And from day 1 I've been a little bit gutted I didn't put it down as first choice.

DC2 starts next September. So ideally would move him this year to avoid needing to love both.

If I do move, do you think the senco would meet with me first? Or is that something that they'd only do if he had an EHCP or a 'diagnosis'.

My youngest’s first school also said he was totally normal. He’s been in special schools since year 5 (now year 13) and has ASD and learning difficulties! Find advice from outside of school.

I'd move him too.

Yes, the SENCo will meet you without an EHCP. Most children with SEND don’t have an EHCP.

I’d be careful about thinking a smaller school will be better. My youngest’s awful school (where he started) had fewer than 90 pupils.

He later went to a school with an ASD base in a not very salubrious town, fairly poor ofsted report - it was marvellous!

[quote QuizzicalTikTok]@Hairymoohead this is really interesting. The school he is currently at is not at all nurturing really. Some of the individual teachers are wonderful, but it's almost a bigger picture thing?

I'm saddened and relieved that most people have suggested moving him.

We won't get smaller class sizes as private isn't an option at the moment - it could be in a few years but we'd be really really stretched until then and it's too big a risk.

We'd go for another local school which is just 1 or 2 form entry. And from day 1 I've been a little bit gutted I didn't put it down as first choice.

DC2 starts next September. So ideally would move him this year to avoid needing to love both.

If I do move, do you think the senco would meet with me first? Or is that something that they'd only do if he had an EHCP or a 'diagnosis'.[/quote]
We moved to a school three times the size with a satisfactory ofsted rating - that really unsettled the old school Mums!😂 It was a school that cared about the kids - not humiliating, shaming and laughing at them. I wish I'd have had the confidence in my parenting to move sooner.

Hi,
We moved our year 2 son in February. We had dithered for a while, considered homeschooling and alternative schools. He had been unhappy since Reception but because the school was ‘outstanding’ and had such a good reputation, I thought let’s push through and help him through it.
The final straw was when I saw the work set during the last lockdown... (I was a Primary School Teacher for 10 years myself) I realised our gut was right and the school was not the right place for him.

So we looked into other schools and found a lovely small village school. The head listened to our concerns from the outset and our son was welcomed with open arms. They have bent over backwards to nurture him back towards a love of learning. He loves school now and was devastated the other day when he has to stay home because he was ill. He is a different child.

This is just our story but I think before you make a decision, speak to the head and Senco at the potential next school. Really try and get a good picture of their approach to behaviour and sen. They will probably have these policies on their website but it’s not always delivered day to day. We had a virtual tour of the school because of covid. I think if they can give you time to speak and listen to you about your concerns for your son it gives an indication of the input they will put in if he begins. I think the end of year 1 start of year 2 is a good time to make a move too.

I really hope it works out for you.

Unless you are confident that things may be better next year with a new teacher, then move him, but choose the school based on the strength of the SEN provision not the total number of pupils.

Thank you everyone. I was terrified of posting because I don't want people to think I just want him away from 'the naughty boys'.

It's so much more than that. It just feels like he's lost his spark. There are no boys in his class who are like him. They all play football, he doesn't. He has friends but hasn't been invited to any playdates or anything - covid aside. The others just seem socially much more secure. It is just a bit sad that there are no like minded boys for him to play with. Also a bit unlucky as I don't think he's that unusual with his likes. He still harks on about his lovely friends from pre school, who we still talk to and see often.

I suspect things will be a bit better next year as his teacher this year has been truly awful in terms of understanding him. His reception teacher was good and understanding of him but fairly new so her behaviour management wasn't the best. And he only really had her for two terms!

I've got a 14 year old DS with ASD, he also loved part-time nursery and really struggled with transition to school.

I would look round the other school and meet the senco if they will do that and that give you more idea how supportive they will be. DS has only moved schools once (when moved to secondary in different area for better schools) and took him 6 months to settle which is common if he is ASD. It is better but he still needs lots of support. Your child sounds very unhappy so I would investigate all alternatives but a move may well unsettle him for a while and there are likely to still be issues if he is ASD. But a supportive school does make a difference.

Sometimes you can change class if that's an option. Not really worth it for this school year but another option. At that age my son much preferred girls who were quieter and more gentle and especially the quiet ones who would just say yes every so often and you are so intelligent when he was going on and on about things. If you don't move it maybe worth going to your school's senco or head and not just class teacher and trying to get adjustments made like a reward class, being able to leave a lesson, a place he would prefer to sit, that type of thing. He will have a new teacher in September I would presume and if you meet him / her that may give more idea how current school can be - we had massive variations on teacher, some were lovely and understanding and others just thought he couldn't behave. With ASD as they get older they get more different so its easier for teachers to see but did take until around y4/5 and an ed pscyh coming in twice to get that sorted. Hope you can find a solution.

Thank you @Silkiecats

This bit of your post really resonated with me

"At that age my son much preferred girls who were quieter and more gentle and especially the quiet ones who would just say yes every so often and you are so intelligent when he was going on and on about things. "

That's my son to a t.

I'm interested in what you've said about the differences becoming more apparent once they are older.

It's hard because on one hand his teachers say he's fine - I asked them outright if they felt he was developmentally 'normal'. But on the other hand he's misbehaving and unhappy. Something doesn't add up.

I'm wondering about paying for a private educational psychologist to assess him. He'd never get seen on the NHS. I am not hugely bothered about a label but if it helps teachers (and us) understand him better then maybe it's worth it?

We got ed pscyh via schools / LA SEND team but it can be hard to get it as they have a very limited budget - our first one was in y2 which just diagnosed anxiety which was wrong but at least it was helpful as it pointed out he wasn't misbehaving for fun of it. An ed pscyh can't diagnose ASD but we found it very useful as the teachers listened to it as it was by a professional and strategies were put in place following it. Sometimes schools won't accept private ones, I would ask first before spending the money but we found it really useful. For the diagnosis it varies by area, some areas its via a GP referral and other area like ours via school but the wait times can be very long, ours was 2 years. Going private for that might be useful to cut out the wait.

I found it was useful to speak to our local authority (LA) SEND team and get their advice and they also sent in Ed pscyh to his secondary. My DS changed to liking boys in about y3 when he was moved class to a class with more boys but at first he cried Mummy they've put me on a table with boys and I don't know what to do with boys. He didn't like football until about y8 so that was a long time coming but I think there are other boys that just pretend to like it too. My DS was making daisy chains with the girls and being their pet dog / horse etc.

I would move him. I did move my DS(6) last year, because I basically chose the wrong school for him. I am glad I bit the bullet, because he fits in and is much more settled in his current school.

Be very careful where you move him to though - it isn't something you can keep doing. Would any of the schools his nursery friends went to be an option?

Is the school one form entry (i.e. just one class in each year?)

I've had three children go through primary and 'bad' years are definitely a thing, even in good schools. In a class of 20 to 30 kids, it only takes a few extra wild children to really swing the dynamics of the whole class, and if there is only one class per year then teachers are pretty powerless to do anything about it (in larger schools they can at least mix classes up).

My DC were/are at a lovely village primary, but the year group above my eldest was an absolute nightmare from the beginning and the whole school breathed a quiet sigh of relief when they finally left Y6. Quite a few of the parents of children in that year ended up moving schools. I have friends with children in another local village school and they've also had a similar experience.

I’d move him. You’ll never know unless you try elsewhere. Class dynamics are such a minefield as you never quite know what dynamics you will get.

We recently moved dd2 after nearly two years of deliberating. Socially the group of 5 girls (tiny village school) were very tight, they’d all gone to nursery together and we had just moved to the area. The mums were also super close so dd would see them all having play dates without her. Lots of tears every morning, she was getting further behind in both reading and maths. Lots of movement with teachers leaving, then covid hit. She was just awfully unhappy, she’d come home and have the biggest tantrums. Dd1 however had the most lovely class, such a kind group of friends too.

Her new school has done her the world of good. She now gets targeted support, the school as a whole are far more keen to work with parents if there are any concerns. Socially its been a real struggle encouraging friendships/ play dates during covid etc, we still get the occasional “I don’t want to go to school”. I’m just resigned to the fact that it may just be her personality as long as her anxiety doesn’t tip us into complete school refusal, I’m not too concerned yet. She’s generally a very confident, articulate child, a bit of a tom boy, she would far rather be anywhere else that go to school.

@QuizzicalTikTok

Thank you *@Silkiecats*

This bit of your post really resonated with me

"At that age my son much preferred girls who were quieter and more gentle and especially the quiet ones who would just say yes every so often and you are so intelligent when he was going on and on about things. "

That's my son to a t.

I'm interested in what you've said about the differences becoming more apparent once they are older.

It's hard because on one hand his teachers say he's fine - I asked them outright if they felt he was developmentally 'normal'. But on the other hand he's misbehaving and unhappy. Something doesn't add up.

I'm wondering about paying for a private educational psychologist to assess him. He'd never get seen on the NHS. I am not hugely bothered about a label but if it helps teachers (and us) understand him better then maybe it's worth it?

Ds was not a football boy either and so did not fit with the rest of the boys in the class (I know now that quite a few of the rest of the boys in the class did not feel they were fitting in either). The teachers always made noises about him not being normal, having developmental difficulties, being quite a bit behind - showed me other kid's work and told me that was ds's competition - he was 5 years old! he couldn't talk properly (would not allow a private speech therapist to enter the school and observe him in lessons), refused to accept he had a higher reading age - he loved reading loads of books at home. So whilst almost on a continual basis (daily) the teachers moaned about him and his annoying ways and poor concentration, they refused to come up with a diagnosis of any kind, any practical approach to helping him at home or at school, I felt like they wanted me to fix him - make him a different child. I was going out of my head with worry. When we moved him I was keen to find out the new school's view of him - they were quite confused by my concern - normal lovely little boy doing normal little boy things. I have to say - it was really amazing to move him to a school where he (and I by association) weren't being criticized all the time, to experience a truly nurturing school that put kids first. My ds is off to university next year, he has grown up to be a lovely young man - he doesn't remember what happened at that school, I still can't forgive myself for not moving him sooner.

Thing is lots of boys are wild at that age, and as you have admitted, yours included.
A lots of kids struggle with the change into a school situation. But they grow up.
My son is in a so called “wild boy” class. Lots of boisterous boys, majority are summer born.
They are settling down now they are in year 2.
You just might not get what you expect at the next school. Kids are kidswherever they are. It’s the way we expect them to conform at such a young age that is wrong.

It’s the school’s approach to boys that makes all the difference. Strict and academic is not a good combination. Look for a school that focuses on nurture and empathy.