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Original poster

New partners and introducing children..How?? When??

16 replies

Oakleaf40 · 23/06/2021 07:58

Morning all.

I am asking for some advice, I've met a wonderful new man in my life and we have been together for 6mths now and we are taking things slow. Mostly me because of my previous marriage breakdown was so awful.. My question is that
has 2 children, hes nearly divorced just some final financial stuff to complete and then it's all done all very amicable between both parties.

They know about me and we have spoken in phone etc,,but his eldest son is really struggling to get his head around things and is stopping us from staying over his house which my new partner wants me to do.
I have been quite patient as I understand that he will find it difficult to see etc..

Please give help us with some advice on what to do .. My partner was going to speak with his ex to see what she thought but I think that's possibly not the best idea. HELP.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 23/06/2021 08:16

Six months this is a very short time to be staying over in a new boyfriend's house (where D.C. are involved) ... would the DS be there or would it be a night when he was with his DM? How long have the parents been separated? What do you mean 'nearly' divorced'? Your boyfriend may think it's entirely 'amicable' but the children may see it very differently and be wary of wanting a new woman to be sleeping over. Is it the family home or a new home?

PurpleDaisies · 23/06/2021 08:20

I would think waiting at least until he is divorced would be a good idea.

I’m guessing from the fact he isn’t yet divorced, you started dating very shortly after they separated? That’s difficult to deal with as a child, however amicable it supposedly was.

Hughbert · 23/06/2021 08:24

Why are people in such a hurry?! You had an awful divorce, he's still married, the child doesn't want you sleeping over, so rather than wait, you want to work on him.
This may be the best relationship of your life, or he may be a nice fling for a year. But either way, enjoy dating and being together without the need to play happy families, at least until you are over your previous relationship and he is actually divorced. He may adore you, but to his kids, you are currently a random he is trying to press on them.

Newday2021 · 23/06/2021 08:29

Hope you’ve got a hard hat on OP. Posters on MN are very negative about introducing children to new partners. Just see the step parent board for the negativity towards step children and its a general mumsnet approach.

I wouldnt post here asking this sort of question as the advice always ranges from never do it to at least 2/3 years etc.

In my situation the children have taken it all really well. Been separated over a year and recently divorced. My partner and I have been together 8 months. Children were introduced on play dates and my DP as ‘my friend’ before one of the children we know theyre really you’re partner and we did lots of talking ‘how do you feel about that?’ Etc as they liked us both then they were happy for us. There are still blips but things are positive now 8 months on and we all have stayed over.

Firefliess · 23/06/2021 08:46

Might be best to start off going round the house in the daytime to get to know the kids first before you start staying over. Or possibly start with going out for a meal or something on neutral territory.

There are many posters on MN will tell you anything length of relationship is too short to be considering meeting kids, but personally I think you can't really know how serious a relationship is until you spend time with the kids too and see how your DP is as a parent and whether it could work to be in a relationship with them.

Personally I met my now DSC about 3 months into knowing their dad. One of them (aged 11) was initially hostile about this but DH focused on spending time with him to reassure him I wasn't a threat to his relationship with his dad, and putting his foot down with outright rudeness - DSS was forced to come and spend mealtimes in my company. It worked, and he got used to things, and he's probably the DSC I'm closest to these days, as he ended up living with us full-time for two years. He's a lovely young man of 22 now.

Fine to take it slow, meet a little at a time at first, but don't let people tell you there is never a right time to be introduced to kids, or never to do it if they're uneasy about it. Kids can be nervous of new things, it's their parent's job to listen, reassure and then help them through accepting changes.

PurpleDaisies · 23/06/2021 08:56

Fine to take it slow, meet a little at a time at first, but don't let people tell you there is never a right time to be introduced to kids, or never to do it if they're uneasy about it.

I don’t agree. While your parents are still getting divorced and you’re adjusting to that is the wrong time to be having to also deal with your parent’s new partner.

If it’s a serious relationship, what’s the problem with giving the children more time? It’s been a tough year for a lot of them any way with all the good stuff, without big changes at home to also be dealing with.

PurpleDaisies · 23/06/2021 09:00

Covid stuff, not good stuff! The opposite of good stuff!!

Original poster

Oakleaf40 · 23/06/2021 09:08

Divorce is final end of this week. And I am in no rush to move things any quicker just wanting to make sure all goes ok and to make is as good as I can. I also have two children who have no problem wanting to meet my new partner.

My Ex Husband introduced my sons to his new partner after a few moths of us separating after 19 years of marriage and I really do not want to do this to my own or his children.

OP posts:

Blanketpolicy · 23/06/2021 09:18

Big difference between getting introduced to staying over, you need to concentrate on the former going well before even thinking about the later.

It needs to go at the speed the children are happy with and the children need to be his priority. Maybe meet them for a quick McDs before they go off somewhere else. Make sure they know you are happy with them going off with their dad alone and genuinely wish them a good day, tell them what your plans are for the afternoon.

Slowly build up to spending more time with them. Someone suggested doing this on neutral ground, that sounds like a good idea and less intrusive. You want them to see you as a positive (or at least not negative) addition to their setup, but don't fake it or try to buy them as kids see through that quickly.

If it goes well with a few meetings over a few weeks your bf can broach with them you coming over to the house for dinner, but again in the beginning don't stay for too long, give them space until they get used to you being in their dads house. If it isn't going well back off again.

I have been quite patient....

You are in the very very early stages of a relationship with a man with children, you need to decide if you have enough patience and compassion to know his children should always be his priority and their needs should always trump yours. You need to think how this will work if you get together long term and have your own family together, if you are the kind of person that can share your partner with his first family. If you have doubts hold off with the introductions. They wont be at his house, I assume, for most the week so you have plenty of opportunity to stay over when they are not there so there is no need to rush it.

Auntienumber8 · 23/06/2021 11:20

I do agree there is a world of difference between staying over and being in someone’s home as opposed to going out for a bit of lunch for a couple of hours and a walk about.

Wait till the summer holidays so school is finished and meet up for something that the children will enjoy for a short period of time, in neither of your homes. Ask for their opinion. You haven’t mentioned the ages of any of the children involved. It sounds like you have lived apart from your ex for quite a while but how long is it since your new BF has lived apart from his ex.

Original poster

Oakleaf40 · 23/06/2021 11:25

I have been separated for 2 years now.. My new partner a year and divorce is nearly complete. My children are 19 and 16. His are 16 and 10.. My partners ex is dating and seeing people also so the children are aware etc.

we both want to get it right. I did suggest meal out to break the ice.

OP posts:

Auntienumber8 · 23/06/2021 11:27

Is it his 10 year old that’s struggling the most?

Original poster

Oakleaf40 · 23/06/2021 11:38

No its the older one. He is 16.

OP posts:

Newday2021 · 23/06/2021 18:58

It is very difficult for teens to understand the separation and a new relationship plus 16 is a very difficult age anyway.

Ragwort · 23/06/2021 21:00

Your partner (boyfriend) has only been separated a year yet you have been dating (in Covid times) for six months ... I can quite understand how difficult that must be for the DC. Surely you can slow things down and don't need to have 'sleepovers' ?

Bouledeneige · 23/06/2021 21:19

Honestly I get the caution thing. I divorced 14 years ago and have introduced 2 men to my kids (one once and the other a few times) - neither relationship lasted. I'm not hugely regretful about having introduced them but I'm not that happy either.

Really 6 months is nothing in terms of really getting to know him and developing a meaningful relationship. When you are 20yrs old six months is a lot because you can spend so much time together. It's really nothing when you are seeing each other a couple of nights a week. Be careful.

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