I have no idea

[Findingmeemo]

As the title suggests I have no idea I am looking for advice and kindness.
Long time lurker and very anxious.

The situation:

I have a family member (female who is lovely)

I didn’t always see her as lovely growing up nor did my siblings.

When I think back now she never did anything to us to make us not like her.
She was goofy but that is it.

Me and the other cousins grew up thinking she was spoilt, that she got everything she wanted, from her mom.

I think that looking back we were probably jealous of her so we were mean to her.

Any way.

I spoke with my great aunt (not her mom)
But my grandmas sister.
Who told me that Bailey (not her real name)
Was not spoilt at all this all happened last night and my head is in a spin.

She told me that my aunt Faye (not real name)
Was actually very cruel to Bailey growing up.

She would tell people she was a rotten kid that she was so spoiled she demanded everything.

I found out that it was not the truth.

I found out that my aunt Faye would scream and shout for hours on end at her for something small like asking for a snack.
Then the next day feel guilty and buy her a 99cent lipstick to make up for it.

All we saw as kids is her getting stuff.

This was back in the 80s

Bailey left home as soon as she could at 16 she actually looking at her is a decent human.
But I cannot get over the guilt of how we treated her calling her spoilt when my aunt was so cruel to her.
She does not know that I know this but now everything makes sense.
Like why would a person who has it all leave home as quickly as she could?

Ps UK TABLOIDS you don’t have my permission to publish this, however if you do it will confirm my long suspicion that you and Mumsnet have a deal about publishing threads, free advertising and all that.

To the trolls and bullies of Mumsnet scroll on I’m not interested in your keyboard warrior fingers

First of all, if you post something on this site, or anywhere on the Internet really, nobody needs your permission, or in this case Mumsnet's permission, to publish a story out of this thread if they want. So your disclaimer doesn't make a difference.

I'm failing to see what the...issue is here though. You describe Bailey as "lovely" so I presume you are in contact enough with her now that you have some sort of family relationship as adults. You may feel guilt about how you acted towards her when you were younger, but 1) You didn't know the truth and 2) You were a child yourself. And now you have a relationship(?) where you are friendly to each other. What advice were you hoping to get?

What are you looking for here?

I’m not sure what advice you want
Secondly the press can publish what they want whether you ‘permit’ it or not

If the press do publish this, which probably isn't likely, it's not because MN has some secret publishing deal with the press. They can trawl all social media sites without needing consent. That's how all the Twitter & Insta stories end up the the tabloids.

Presumably you're trying to assuage your guilt at how you treated your cousin when you were all children.
Please understand- you were a child, not in full possession of the facts, give yourself permission to let go of this now.
If you're still in contact, acknowledge her, and try to spend good quality time together now.

I don't think that you should hold on to guilt from that period in your life. When we are children we pick up on micro feelings etc, you would have sensed that things were not right, instinctively.

What matters now is that you aren't still judging her differently. That includes overcompensating for historic wrongs in light of information she would probably rather you didn't know.

I wouldn't raise it for discussion, she doesn't want your pity. She got her freedom. Just love her for who she is.

You misread the situation, you were a child yourself, you have no guilt to carry
I can understand why you feel sad though
Did anyone speak up for Bailey or try and protect her?

You were a child and had no idea Bailey was being mistreated. I would put this behind you and accept you cannot change what happened. If you see Bailey then you can say to her that you are sorry you were mean to her when you were kids and that you realise as an adult it was wrong of you.