How do I politely decline this social event please?

[EssexLioness]

Sorry, this is going to be long… I will start by saying that I am autistic and find any sort of social contact difficult, and if it’s in a strange place or with people I don’t really know it is extremely distressing for me. However, other people do not fully comprehend this as I am polite and make an effort to mask my distress.

I live at the other end of the country to my family. I am extremely close to my sister and speak all the time on the phone etc but only see each other couple of times a year. I last saw her in September last year due to COVID.

My dad is ok but I had an unhappy childhood and our relationship is polite and superficial rather than close. He and my mum divorced a couple of years ago and he has been seeing someone else ever since. She has an adult daughter older than me who has been lovely to my dad. Met her once and I found her incredibly rude and judgemental and she took over the conversation, even when I was just trying to chat briefly to my dad one to one (she had unexpectedly invited herself to lunch with us). Grateful that she is nice to dad but didn’t make a great first impression with me. I will call the daughter Mary for this post.

I spoke to dad on the phone on Sunday.mentioned I am coming to visit my sister and talked about meeting with him too. He said ‘we will have to sort out when to take you round to Mary’s house to visit.’ I made a polite excuse why i couldn’t go. He then said ‘we will discuss this some other time. Bye’ and finished the call.

I was very annoyed at how he seemed to dismiss me and ignore my answer cos it wasn’t what he wanted (history of being controlling in the past) and that he didn’t even ask me. He basically told me this is what we will do, but I’m 43. I should get to decide what to do with my time and I want to spend what little time I do have with my sister, not a stranger. Plus obviously I didn’t warm to her anyway and would find it distressing to be in a strange house with people I didn’t know.

My dad knows I am autistic but has never shown any interest in how this afffects me and has downplayed my difficulties (adult diagnosis). He doesn’t accept us having our own opinions and makes no effort to get to know us as people. Also, my sister and brother haven’t even met Mary, but it is just me that is expected to go round (I think this is because my siblings would tell him where to go but I am expected to go along with it). My sister didn’t understand why he wants me to go round there either.

I am unsure whether I am being a bit unfair but my main issues are re my autism and the way my dad worded it, and expects to discuss this again. As far as I am concerned there is nothing to discuss. But my dad is a major sulker and will make a big drama over whatever I say. How can I be polite but firm when he brings this up again? I am really anxious about saying the wrong thing and him having the marry on with me, or him mentioning it infront of his partner and putting me on the spot.

I t some of you will just think I should go and visit for a while. But this is a big thing for me and I had counselling after my diagnosis to help me work on maintaining my barriers. An abusive childhood and years of trying to be polite/ fit in took a huge toll on my mental health. So I now tend to say no to things that will make me too uncomfortsble/ distressed, which has helped me massively.

That should say I worked on maintaining my boundaries, not barriers… sorry!

Hi Dad, I'm looking forward to seeing you on (date) at (place) but I won't be coming to Mary's house this visit. See you soon!

If he pushes you, change the subject or end the conversation. I think simple is always best, no excuses, suggestions that you might make it etc. Just a simple, factual, you won't be going to Mary's.

I can completely relate to this, OP.

It doesn't matter how many times you try to get him to care about your perspective- he won't change so I wouldn't waste too much energy on trying to get him to understand you or your emotional needs.

Instead, I'd focus on the practical solutions you have and on how you can maintain control of where you go when you're visiting their area so (1) you don't get railroaded into doing things you don't want to do and (2) you can cut the visit short if he has a tantrum or a sulk about the fact your emotional needs conflict with his ability to use you as a prop in his life.

Do you drive and can you take your own car with you, or will you be reliant on lifts? Do you have to stay over in your dad's house when visiting him, or can you stay at your sisters or elsewhere? Make sure you have a solid escape plan and don't be afraid to use it if necessary!

Can your Dad visit you and your sister at your sisters house?

But my dad is a major sulker and will make a big drama over whatever I say.

Oh well! That's called a "his problem", so don't make it yours.

It's all about boundaries, op, and your autism has fuck all to do with it. You are a grown woman and you decide who you spend time with. How other people feel about it is not your concern.

Sadly, you are not close to your father and probably never will be, so it's especially silly to pander to him in any way whatsoever. Take your power back and refuse to allow him to control you.

Thanks for all the replies. Sorry I wasn’t clear but I stay at my sister’s house anyway when I go. I also drive so it’s not like I can be forced to go, just know he will keep mentioning it. @Aquamarine1029 that’s exactly it, the lack of boundaries that pee’d me off… as though I’m a little kid and he still gets to dictate what I do with my time!

I still dont understand why he cant come to your sisters? Is your sister his child? Do they get on? Seems an obvious compromise to me

And yes, you’re right him sulking is completely his problem. I need to stop feeling guilty about that.
Dad will either meet us somewhere or come to my sisters to visit. If he comes to my sisters then I will have to pick him up and drop him off cos he doesn’t drive, and they live too far to walk. We will prob meet them out though cos my sister prefers him not going over cos he can be quite judgy and makes her feel uncomfortable when he visits.
@LonginesPrime thanks for the advice - I do need an escape plan if he doesn’t drop the subject.

It’s not your boundaries at fault here. It’s your dad’s lack of social skills (did you know autism is usually genetic? He might also be on the spectrum. Realising this about my own dad has been helpful!)

“Hi dad, good to speak to you earlier. Just to confirm, I’ll be staying at [dsis]’s from [date] to [date]. I could meet you at [place] on [date] for a catch up if that works for you. There won’t be time for me to visit Mary though. Looking forward to seeing you x”

Thanks, yes I know it’s often genetic. I don’t think my dad has it, more a control thing I think it’s him, though don’t know for sure.

I agree with all the above. Tell him roughly when you'll be staying at your sister's (not too specific as that gives you a get out if necessary!) and say you'll talk to your sister about arranging for you both to meet him for lunch while you're there but that you won't be visiting Mary this time. Don't give any reason for this but rinse and repeat as necessary - once you give a reason you're doomed as he will pick away at it. If he sulks then either cut short the lunch or cancel it saying something has come up and you'll see him next time. Don't let this control freak take over.

Respond with 'no thank you' if he asks again. If he pushes it
a simple 'why' would likely put him on pause. I doubt he's got any particular reason why you SHOULD go and meet with Mary apart from wanting you to, and wanting some control over you.

And 'why do you want me to meet Mary again when you haven't asked anyone else to meet her?'

And - 'I'm happy for you that you have a good relationship with your partner's daughter, but I don't see how that affects me?' For any follow ups. He was a crap father, you don't owe him anything.

Thank you for all the replies, much appreciated. I am surprised nobody told me to just go regardless. @Billandben444 I stupidly already told him exactly when I am visiting. I do think no reasons is the best course of action as he will just keep arguing otherwise.
@ClaryFairchild I did think about just saying ‘no thank you’ but was concerned with sounding rude. But then dad wasn’t worried about coming across as rude so I prob shouldn’t be bothered about it either. The ‘why’ is good too as he will most likely just get huffy and mumble something about being a nice idea etc. He won’t want to make too much of a scene infront of my sister/ Mary’s mum. So if he wants to sulk then I should just let him crack on

Be strong 💪 I'm the same, can never say no, tie myself up in knots trying to find excuses not to do something then people argue against your reasons.
Iv learnt to just say no, it's really hard and sometimes awkward.
In answer to being asked to do something, I answer "no thanks" get asked why not "because I don't want to" get asked why I don't want to "because I don't want to, I don't fancy it" but why "because I don't want to, please drop the subject as I'm not going to change my mind"
It's difficult but it's also kinda liberating.
I'm always surprised by people wanting to force you to do something you don't want to do regardless of your feelings but we are not supposed to say no because it might upset them, try saying no op, seriously it's empowering

One of my parents is a bit pushy occasionally (not in a bad way and I don't think she sees it as controlling) but I've learned it's quicker just to say 'Nah, I don't feel like it' rather than telling her why. It isn't her business why I don't want to do something - I'm a grown woman. If she pushes I just repeat 'Because I don't feel like it.' If she keeps at it, I would just point out that as a grown woman there is nothing she can say that will persuade me to change my mind and do something I don't want to do. That always ends the conversation!

I think however you choose to say it, the key is to realise within yourself that you don't owe the pushy parent anything. You don't owe them respect for their opinions if they are not respecting yours. You don't owe them a nice easy relationship with no arguments if they are the one making it difficult. So don't worry about offending them / awkward silences etc. In this kind of situation just stay polite and don't raise your voice, and they won't be able to take it any further without looking unreasonable or ridiculous. The first time is the hardest; it gets easier every time. My mum thinks I'm stubborn now (maybe I am!) but I don't care. She knows that she won't be able to make me do what she wants, so she tries very rarely these days, and always looks a bit tentative about it. I have won

@Dizzy1234

Be strong 💪 I'm the same, can never say no, tie myself up in knots trying to find excuses not to do something then people argue against your reasons. Iv learnt to just say no, it's really hard and sometimes awkward. In answer to being asked to do something, I answer "no thanks" get asked why not "because I don't want to" get asked why I don't want to "because I don't want to, I don't fancy it" but why "because I don't want to, please drop the subject as I'm not going to change my mind" It's difficult but it's also kinda liberating. I'm always surprised by people wanting to force you to do something you don't want to do regardless of your feelings but we are not supposed to say no because it might upset them, try saying no op, seriously it's empowering

YES to all this ^^. The first couple of times you do this may be hard. You might even be called "difficult". But it gets easier and is SO liberating. 🌹

If you had an abusive childhood why are you maintaining contact with your Dad?

If he won't drop it tell him you won't be meeting up with him either this time, and certainly don't be driving him around

@Dizzy1234 and @FeistySheep, thank you. I agree with all of this. Need to practice being assertive/ ‘stubborn’.

@Chicchicchicchiclana most of the abuse was from my mum, who I stopped all contact with 8 years ago now. Best thing I’ve ever done. My dad took her side and cut me off for 5 years. He made the first move to reconcile 3 years ago. He is mostly ok and we are fairly low contact which suits me. this is the first time he’s tried to control me in several years but determined not to let him.

Does Mary even want you to go round and visit her?

It's perfectly fine to say 'no thank you, I don't want to do that.' If they object then 'no thank you, I won't be doing that' again.

Be strong OP (going through the ASD assessment process here myself, I know how hard it can be to navigate stuff!).

@PuppyMonkey good point! I don’t think she has been asked! I would be furious if someone just invited a practical stranger to my house without me knowing. However, she seemed quite extrovert and I think the whole house has an open door policy so quite possible that it would be fine.

@redheadonascooter thank you and good look with your assessment. I found the day itself quite draining but it really helped me understand myself better/ helped my confidence

Personally, I'd start going low contact with your dad because he us abusive and never bother seeing Mary. Just say no sorry, make up whatever excuse you want to, but you aren't beholden to her or your dad. Your life, your choices.

I've just seen your last point - even lower contact, in that case!

Just bloody tell Him for gods sake

"Dad, I don't like Mary so I won't be going to her house"

What on earth is difficult about that???

Your 43 and a grown up woman just tell him